close up of a pink rose
A Rosy Glow…
4th October 2016
camera on wooden table
#ABloggingGooodTime Week 19
5th October 2016

My Tears are Real…She Doesn’t Want Me!

woman crying
I count myself fortunate that I have such a wonderful relationship with my daughter.Right from the start, from her very first breath, she has been my oxygen and has sometimes been the only thing that has managed to put a smile on my face. She has always been such a lovely happy little girl with a cheeky glint in her eye. However, recently my little angel has begun to change and has started pushing at the boundaries that previously she was okay with but now sees as her mortal enemy. I find myself saying “no,” “don’t” and “stop” more times a day than I care to mention and quite often hear the same back to me in return followed by that cheeky grin. However, when when it is a serious “no” because she needs to listen, such as not touching the hot oven or not crawling away from me whilst covered in poop, she cries out and gets upset. It only lasts mere seconds, but my tears carry on inside and today they spilled out onto my cheeks…

Alyssa in a pink tutu

 

No mother wants to make her child cry – it is so difficult. She is testing her boundaries and wanting to explore the world around her and yet for her own safety or my own sanity, she is not able to do everything she would like to and that is where “no” comes in. I am perfectly sure she understands what it means and when I go to stop her I quite often get it said back ta closed eye with tears on a cheeko me or some unrecognisable noise “ugghhh!!” I know that what I am doing is hard but necessary so I persevere, don’t give in, stay calm and comfort her when she has gotten over the worst of her frustration to show her that I am not mad, whilst feeling horrendously guilty and shedding a tear on the inside.

However, today  the knife truly went in and twisted deep within  my heart… allow me to explain. Today was my brother’s birthday and the entire family (8 adults, 1 child, 2 babies) were all coming under one roof (mine) for a big family dinner to celebrate.Alyssa loves having her aunties, uncles and cousins around as she has lots more people to play with. Now, it got to 4pm and the lasagna were ready to be cooked, the garlic bread was on the tray and the sticky toffee sponge was sitting on the side. Alyssa had woken from her nap and we were playing in the lounge, my mum had gone out to collect my brother, sistbabyer-in-law and niece, so it was just the two of us when I suddenly realised I had made a huge error and had not doubled the pudding recipe meaning that there wouldn’t be enough. It was a pretty easy recipe, everything in the blender, whizz it up and pop it in the oven, so with Alyssa banging some pots and pans with her wooden spoon I started adding the ingredients to the whirring mixer. I happened to glance over at Alyssa and saw the slowly spreading brown stain creeping down her leg… oh no you guessed it POONAMI!!

I stopped the mixer and took her out into the other room, laid her on a mat and began to clean her up whilst she struggled and wriggled. She broke free with poop still all over her bum and legs and began to crawl away and in my frustration I shouted no, picked her up and pua woman holding her head blurredt her back on the mat. That was all it took, her bottom lip dropped, her eyes filled with tears and she began to cry. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she then released the knife and as she cried said “Da-Da!” I froze, mid wipe and looked down at my crying baby girl and wondered if I had said no that badly? A million thoughts ran through my head as I tried to keep my cool, made soothing noises, got her cleaned and dressed and gave her a cuddle to comfort her. She was fine and went and got her Musical Mia to give me a kiss and carried on as normal… but I couldn’t.

Throughout the meal, the fun and laughter, the praise for food, the cuddles with niece and nephew, the goodbyes and the bedtime as we snuggled together, all I could think about was the fact that she had asked for Dada. I had upset her so badly she had done something she had never done before and asked for her daddy. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with her wanting her daddy, but wanting him because she didn’t want me, hurt me more than I ever could have imagined. I know she is at that stage of testing boundaries and finding out what she can and can’t do, but the second I put her down, covered her with her blanket like I have done every night since she was born, kissed her head and left the room, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling…

alyssa and me looking at the camera on black background

I know that this won’t be the first test and there will be many more to come, a lifetime of tests between us as mother and daughter. I also know that I am doing the right thing – stay calm and stay firm, it is a necessity in order for her to learn what she can and can’t do and what is right and what is wrong. At the moment I think she is handling it better than I am… I will dry my cheeks, get some sleep and begin another day tomorrow. Her tears are often fake and a cheeky way of getting the good attention when mummy says no, but my tears are real…
3 Little Buttons
Tammymum
Best of Worst

39 Comments

  1. Aww, that’s a tough one to take. T regularly calls for Daddy if she’s in trouble with me, or vice versa. Try not to take it to heart! You’re doing great. X

  2. Oh mate, we’ve all been there. I wrote a post called Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! As its all my little one seems to say. I stared to feel sensitive about it, but it’s just what they do. As soon as I go out she apparently asks for Mummy! It’s hard though, especially when you are number 1 and seem to do the majority for them! I’m sure she is just testing boundaries as she gets older. Miss Belle’s favourite word is also No. just stand firm – united, we’ve got this!! Xx

  3. My 3 yo daughter and I are bumping heads endlessly at the moment. My tears are of frustration with her behaviour. I am sure our little girls will test us for many more years to come. #bestandworst

  4. Keep strong. We have to remember that we are their mothers and not their friends. Doesn’t mean we can’t have a good relationship but they will hate us more when they are growing up. Thinking we are unfair, that we’re old and uncool. I’m not looking forward to those days. But when that happens we just have to remind ourselves that we are developing people and hard love helps to grow sincere wonderful people and not the jerks of the world. Also, Don’t worry about her calling dada- Georgia pulls this trick when she’s with me then flips to wanting me whenever dadas around. Sneaky, they often want it all. Xx

  5. Oh I did feel for you when reading this post, but do take some comfort and solace that we’ve all been there. And it is tough but then you have to remember all of the good and positive times, the cuddles and the fact that your daughter absolutely adores you.
    My daughter always calls for Daddy when she’s in trouble, and knows she’s in trouble – and she’s now 8years old! It’s part and parcel of being a parent, I think.
    #BestandWorst
    xx

  6. Tammymum says:

    Oh lovey it’s a tough one isn’t it. Zara does the same though whoever tells her off she cries for the other parent, I think it’s only natural but it’s not a reflection on your relationship with her. You’re right it probably won’t be the last time you find you’re mummy tears getting the better of you, goodness knows I’ve shed plenty. Keep going lovey chin up you’re doing amazing xxx

  7. upasna says:

    Awww, I too feel this pain when he does not want me. But I am happy that its transitory and he calls out “Mummy” even if he is crying to show his resentment towards me. I melts. #FamilyFun
    I am happy to find your Blog Katie, its beautiful.

  8. Suchitra says:

    Hugs. Hugs. Even more hugs. Whether you think you need them or not, hugs. I have been where you have and it is NEVER easy. I was tearing up just reading and visualizing all that happened in your home that day. They are such boundary pushers, our loving little devils and then in the end, they just go about their day as if nothing happened at all while we are left holding on to the pieces of our hearts that we just ripped out.
    Please know, that even in the worst of situations, you are doing the best you can. I try to keep telling this to myself in trying to forgive my yelling and (sometimes) spanking. I feel so, so guilty after the fact but in the moment, if even one more person says, to take it easy and take a deep breath, I may lose it! Do what you can but know that you are really doing your best, you’re coming from a place of love, and that if things were different, your child would see a completely different you. Also, please know that your child may have meant nothing by saying dada. It was just something to say.
    One parenting/mothering bad moment does NOT define your relationship with your daughter. #familyfun

  9. Jaki says:

    Wow, it just goes to show how much the Mummy’s boy and Daddy’s girl thing can be real. My little man is totally the other way around & when his Dad tells him off he comes running for me. If I tell him off he insists on telling me he’s sorry & I’m his best friend. He can’t bear to think I’m mad with him for a second. These kids really pull on our heart strings don’t they. Keep smiling. It happens to us all at some point or another.

  10. So so so much love for the pair of you. I love that first photo of Alyssa with the scowling eyes, a mere second capture probably then hopefully all smiles. She will always want you over Daddy, you are her world. Robert says dada ALL the time and its not cos he wants him at all. Keep the smiles going loads of love and Thanks for linking up to #familyfun

  11. These early moments build up to help us prepare to cope with teenagers!

  12. Twin Pickle says:

    Aww… I shouted really loudly at one of my boys the other day, in frustration from him flipping over when I change his nappy (so annoying!!!). He just laughed at me… which just made me more mad, grr. But I have made my older daughter cry many times and it hurts every time. Tough mum moments for sure #TribalLove

  13. Aww it’s hard when they do that. I feel for you. My girl learned to say dada first and said it for ages before she said mum!

  14. They quickly learn how to push our buttons don’t they I’ll never for get telling my eldest daughter off when she was about 3 and her telling me that I wasn’t her friend anymore – I was heartbroken, now she’s a teenager and I’m embarrassing and she has been known to say I hate you when particularly hormonal to which I always say – I love you too it’s guaranteed to get me a hug and apology!

  15. helen gandy says:

    Ohhh honey they certainly know how to test us don’t they. Thanks for linking up lovely #bestandworst

  16. Jenny says:

    Oh no! Don’t feel bad! Greg does this, even if I say the word no in a semi playful way he still cries. He was pouring his drink on the TV and I said no and he asked for his dad too. It was heartbreaking! Once when he was tiny I’d had to tell off his sister and afterwards he wouldn’t come to me for ages! It was awful. Don’t beat yourself up, you’re doing your best.

    #FamilyFun

  17. Stephanie says:

    I’m a bit worried about that when my baby gets a bit older because his daddy is such a pushover. I think I’m going to end up laying down the law, and I’m going to end up being the bad guy. It’s tough, but I hear if they like you all the time, you’re probably doing something wrong (especially in their teenage years). #ablogginggoodtime

  18. Claire says:

    Parenting is so hard isn’t it?! I think I’ll have to prepare myself for a lot of this as I’m the ‘strict’ one. You’re doing great and as you say children just like to test boundaries. #ablogginggoodtime

  19. Rach says:

    That’s tough. It hurts me sometimes and I have a really thick skin. Sometimes my little boy will say things and it stings a bit but I know he’s testing boundaries and learning so I try not to take it to heart. It is so tough though. #ablogginggoodtime

  20. Oh it so hard when our kiddies do that. It always breaks my heart and, even thought I know that they do it to their Daddy as well, I don’t ever want to have them feel that way. But I know that it is up to us to put in the boundaries and up to us to be the bad guy occasionally so we can keep them safe. You are doing such an incredible job with your gorgeous girl! #ablogginggoodtime

  21. Aleena Brown says:

    I remember getting really upset the first time my daughter did that. Problem was, she was older and much better at articulating how she felt so what I heard was “I want Daddy. I don’t like you anymore”. That broke my heart. But a year on she has learned not to say things like that, mostly because I refuse to react to it. Whenever she says it, I simply tell her that she can see Daddy just as soon as he gets home from work, and if she doesn’t like me then she doesn’t have to play with me! We’re soon best friends again! x #ABloggingGoodTime

  22. Lucy At Home says:

    Oh you poor thing! I can totally understand why you would find this so heartbreaking. Try not to take it personally. it’s not anything against you, it’s a backlash against being disciplined. Keep going. She will love you for it in the end #ABloggingGoodTime

  23. I think it’s perfectly normal for a child to call for the other parent when the one in front of them isn’t letting them have what they want. That’s just showing how clever she is. And I’m convinced that little people tears and big people tears are not the same. It’s just how they communicate. Until they can develop language well enough to share their feelings with words, crying is all they’ve got. #ablogginggoodtime

  24. Awe…they know how to push our buttons for sure. No matter if it is me or my husband…all the kids call for the other one when one of us is not giving them their way.
    #ablogginggoodtime

  25. From Day Dot says:

    Oh bless you I can only imagine how this hurt. She will always want you, she’ll just learn to know that she could play you off each other to get her own way so you’re doing the right thing of staying firm and doing what you know is right. Chin up, you’ll always be her Mummy! #ablogginggoodtime

  26. Becky says:

    This is a really tough one. I guess it’s something every parent has to deal with in one way or another. I’m expecting after I return to work my LO will only want his Nannie!
    Keep going, your doing an amazing job!
    #ablogginggoodtime

  27. Oh sweetie, as hard as it is you are definitely doing the right thing. All kids love to push the boundaries, it’s how they learn. My son regularly tells me he hates me and wishes he’d never been born when I’ve had to enforce the rules, that’s a definite knife twister. 20 minutes later though he will come and give me a cuddle and say sorry, sometimes even write me a poem telling me he loves me. Parenting is definitely a rollercoaster, but so worth it.
    #Ablogginggoodtime

  28. Debbie says:

    Hi Katie, they are little buggers and testing us all the time, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I swear they know exactly what they are doing, but know that really they don’t. Not when they are that young. Brace yourself, parenting is one hell of a roller coaster!

    #ablogginggoodtime

    xx

  29. Ah – parenting is definitely not for the faint hearted – it’s a hard job – no two ways about. If you need a good cry make sure you allow yourself to have one xx kids need to test their parents… it’s a sign that things are going as they should.. feels horrid at the time though! #ablogginggoodtime

  30. Oh honey this is so tough when this happens – and it’s so so hard not to take it personally when you spend so much time together and have so much love. But, seriously, lovely, you both have the most gorgeous and adorable closeness – anyone can see that – remember tomorrow is a new day and that was just one moment. Alyssa adores you!! #ablogginggoodtime

  31. Oh no, hugs. My daughter now knows if I say no, go ask daddy. Thankfully he’s finally learned to check with me. I know it’s not the same, but they learn to call/go ask for the other parent when they don’t get their way with one! #ablogginggoodtime

  32. Aww… you poor thing. Baby’s too young for me to have any experience of this but I imagine I would feel exactly the same. My own mum (who had dementia and bipolar so can’t help herself) still brings up an incident from when I was four and asked for my dad while I was in hospital instead of her… Even after all this time it’s still something that claws at her. I on the other hand have a vague memory of my dad sneaking crisps and chocolate into hospital so I imagine that’s why I was asking for him lol #ablogginggoodtime

  33. I feel ya hear. My Big always picks the Mrs. over me. For years a 2, 3, 4, or 5 year old could regularly break my heart and start the flow of my tears. My little, she chooses me more often. I jump at it when I get it. They all have such astrong hold on our hearts. #Ablogginggoodtime xo

  34. Jaki says:

    I’ve commented on this post before but last night things took a turn and it’s worthy of leaving another. Little Man was up in the middle of the night and insisted on sleeping in our bed but with just his Dad. I was bundled off to his bed – at least I got an extra few hours uninterrupted sleep! They go full circle so it seems! #ablogginggoodtime

  35. Kat says:

    It’s so hard isn’t it 🙁 It does hurt. I’ve had this myself recently too 🙁 #ablogginggoodtime

  36. some days are hard, no doubt about that. Its important not to take these things personally. All kids do this from time to time #blogginggoodtime

  37. It can be heartbreaking when you know that you’ve made your child cry. We just have to remember though that it is our job to parent them as well as to love them and sometimes that means being firm. I remember crying as a child when I was told off, but I still love my mum unconditionally and i’m glad she corrected me when she needed to. You’re doing great! #ablogginggoodtime

  38. oh no the dreaded poonami! Ben has also just learnt to say Dada and now thats all he says which considering I’m back at work and spending less time with him hurts – but i try my best to assure myself its just his first word and that like with his clapping – it will be all he says until the next skill is discovered!
    I know this is an old post but with little lady being ill lately, if you need to chat/vent/bitch at, then i’m here. perks of being a parent is that i can have my phone at my desk and “im talking to XX about an issue with Ben” hahahaaha #ablogginggoodtime

  39. Crummy Mummy says:

    They learn to play one parent off against the other from such an early age! I wouldn’t take it personally x #ablogginggoodtime

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