Some may think this is an attention seeking post. Some may think I am writing to gain sympathy. Some people might think I’m pathetic and some people just won’t care. Well guess what?! Neither do I. I’m an emotional person. I used to think it was my downfall and that it made me a weak person. Being sensitive or “over sensitive” as some people like to call it, I have discovered, doesn’t make me a bad person. It means I care. It means I actually give a crap about things and people. Yes, I might show or feel it more than others, but that’s my choice. Reading back these first few sentences, this starts out as quite a powerful blog post, which surprises me because right now I don’t feel powerful. Right now, I feel a bit lost. If blogging has taught me anything over the past nearly two years is that it does me good to let things out. When I keep things bottled up I feel like I am going to explode – and trust me, no one wants to see that. So this is me. Here right now. Feeling lost. Feeling broken by my own hand. Feeling horrid about myself. Sat here wondering, when? When will I be enough to make someone want to stay?
Do you want to know how long this post has sat in my drafts folder? Weeks, actually bordering on two months. I didn’t know if I’d be able to write anymore than the introduction. If I’d need to. Whether this was just one of those random rantings that was truly just for me and no one else. Then I thought about something a wise blogger told me recently. Aby, from You Baby Me Mummy, told a group of us who were partaking in one of her Facebook Live sessions for a course, “I always think you are actually writing for you. But the you from a few years ago!” I think it’s actually one of the most profound and useful things that has ever been said to me. It was kind of like a ping of realisation happened when I heard those words and for that I cannot thank her enough.
For that reason, I am here. I am back. Finishing a post I wasn’t sure I even could and the reason is because the me from a few years ago and anyone else out there who feels like me deserves to know that they aren’t alone and yes at times things suck but they will eventually get better.
I wrote the intro when I was swirling in what I thought was a never-ending whirl heartbreak and tears. It’s a bit ridiculous for someone who keeps their heart so well guarded a lot of the time should find it so easily broken but it’s true and unfortunately it does keep happening. The past three years I think it’s actually happened 3 maybe 4 times and by the same two people. Not all their fault I will freely admit as I do tend to throw myself in whole-heartedly without really looking for a landing place first but that doesn’t make it any easier to bare does it?!
After years and years and years of dreaming about love and marriage and family and my own home and a family life I’m now sadly coming to the realisation that actually I may be someone it doesn’t happen for. I blame Disney for totally ruining my ideas of men and relationships and giving me false hopes. As I grew up I obviously gained much more realistic expectations but these don’t seem to have been met either and so it gets to the point where you do begin to ask, “What’s wrong with me?!” Friends and family will profusely deny there being anything wrong with you, tell you how lovely you are and that clearly no one special enough has come along yet that is lucky enough to have you. Whilst this is lovely of them, it doesn’t really help when they then all disappear back to cuddle on the sofa with their other half and you’re sat up in bed wearing your granny nightie, a tub of Ben and Jerrys in one hand and the remote in the other going through hours of cooking programs because you can no longer bare to watch Rom Coms.
The truth is, there isn’t actually anything wrong with me. There could be a number of reasons as to why I have not met someone yet and of course I am also not the only one either. Something I am slowly coming to realise a few weeks down the line from my latest heartbreak is that unless I am happy with myself then I am never going to make anyone else happy. Truth be told… I am not happy with myself. I have become lazy and complacent and I need to do something about it now before I waste the best years of my life and Alyssa’s. I am going away this coming weekend on holiday and will be enjoying myself with my little girl and my family and nothing thinking about anything else. However, when I return it is time for my game face. It is time to do something about it. It is time to get happy with myself so that I can then put myself out there and find someone who makes me happy too.
So to me from a few years ago or anyone other person out there who sits there night after night alone (with little ones sleeping in the other room or not) don’t make this your focus in life. Let it happen. If it is meant to happen it will happen and if it doesn’t then perhaps fate has other plans for you. You just don’t know. Remember you aren’t alone there are still people in the world who love you, care about you and will give you a hug whether you ask or not. In my case I have wonderful friends who notice when I go quiet, send me sweeties to make me smile or positivity cards through the post that now live in my phone case so I see them every day. These words may not help and you may be sat there wishing I would just bog off, but I promise at some point in the future, they’ll sink in and you’ll think yeah okay, I get it now. Until then, if you feel alone, unloved, sad, anything then please feel free to message me any time. I have a virtual hug with your name on it!