There was me sitting there one evening feeling all warm and fuzzy about how well my post had done and thinking “Wouldn’t it be great if I could do that to find a husband?!” I do believe I even voiced this to my new found friends who immediately replied with “OMG!! You have to write that post!” I laughed and said “Maybe…” and left it at that. However, that little seed had been planted at the back of my brain and it has gradually formed into a big fat “Oh why the hell not?!” kind of phrase and so we find ourselves here, on a new post by me entitled “Personal Ad: Blogger Seeks Husband!” You know what?! I would like a husband; someone to share my happiness and life with. I have my gorgeous daughter, but still dream of getting married and extending my family one day so why not put it out there and advertise that fact. When thinking about how to write this post and what to write, my initial thoughts were “How can I make myself appealing?!” and “What would make someone like me and want to be with me?!” Then, I slapped myself round the face and was like “Hang on a god darn cotton pickin minute?!?! HE should be impressing YOU! What do YOU want from HIM?!” Oh this could be fun…
Job Description for Future Husband…
*I am only a shorty at 5’4″ so it’s not harder to be taller than me, but if it’s possible for you to be tall enough for me to wear heels but not so tall that when I wear flats I look like a smurf that would be great!
*I am a curvy girl and will never ever be a slim jim so one major requirement is that you like me as is – if I want to change I will and if I don’t I won’t. So you need to like me for me, just as I am.
* I am a bit like Olaf, in that I loovvveee warm hugs, so the future husband must be an expert hugger I am afraid. Experience preferable but not essential as training can be given. Ability to give all enveloping bear hugs is a huge bonus!
* There is nothing I love more than being able to dance with my partner. Nothing fancy or set routines but to have a willing partner would be the icing on the cake whether it be in a club/bar, at a dance class or at our wedding!
* After everything that has happened in the past, smiles are a must. A husband who can make me laugh with a good sense of humour is a definite requirement. Please note that permanent sarcasm does NOT count as good humour (a minor amount will be accepted!)
* Okay, we’re going for a biggie here. Honesty. You need to be honest with me. If I say “Does my bum look big in this?” You need to answer truthfully but in such a way that makes me feel utterly fabulous no matter what the answer.
* Once again speaking from experience, loyalty would be great. So basically a one woman kind of guy… not really looking for the whole “Open relationship” thing that some people are into… oh and bring a puppy and you get definite bonus points!
* Physical activity requirements – or should I say lack of. Please dear God do not think that I will be getting up at 6am to go for a run with you. If my daughter has slept in, I will be too. A gentle stroll through the park at a sensible hour of the day is fine but I am NOT your adventuring, rock-climbing kind of gal.
* Whilst the role of a husband is a fairly demanding job, you will be allowed time to persue another job/career of your choosing. However, there are some rules with regards to this: it is not all consuming, it does not involve you disappearing for weeks on end, you get some if not all weekends off, it makes you happy and you do infact actually have a job. It doesn’t matter what as long as you do!
* “What’s the matter?” “Nothing! It’s fine!” Gahhhhhhhhhhh! No, no no no. Communication skills are a major requirement. Long silences of no talking, harboring grudges, plotting revenge or general stewing in one’s rage, disappointment or any other negative emotion will result in negative points and could lead to possible dismissal. Proof of communication skills may be requested should applicants move on to the final stages of the hiring process!
* The final requirement is with regards to man-smell and cleanliness. Beard, stubble anything is fine… toe jam and yucky boy smell is not. Aftershave is yummy and sexy as is Lynx. So to recap: Man Smell BAD. Aftershave/Lynx GOOD! Want to win me over completely? Just rock up in a gorgeous mens suit because that gets me every time!
If you feel that you meet all or most of the requirements for the above position or have even managed to reach this far down this blog post, please apply in writing to Katie firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject of: Future Husband Applicant!
We look forward to hearing from you
In all seriousness, I would like someone to share my life with and hope that at some point in the future it does happen and if it doesn’t then it obviously wasn’t meant to be and I find myself so very very lucky to have had my little girl.
This is a collaborative post – all opinions are my own and application process is real.