For those of you that read my blog avidly (I know that’s all of you of course) you will know that we have been waiting for a new addition to join our family and after months and months of waiting she is finally here. My beautiful little niece arrived in the early hours of Monday morning weighing 6lbs 2oz and already making her mummy and daddy tired. I gave a big whoop and cheer, especially when I heard she’d been delivered pain medication free (my sister in law is a bit hardcore!!) and then disappeared off by myself and a tear slid down my cheek…
I am heartily ashamed and incredibly annoyed at myself for feeling any sadness at such a joyous occasion but… I did. Don’t get me wrong, no one would have known because when with my family my face displayed all the happiness I was also feeling at the arrival of my beautiful little niece. It seems forever ago that I became an Aunty (my nephew is now 10!!) and it was nice to get all those warm fuzzies back. However, cuddling Lily and looking at her photos seemed to overwhelm me and made me realise how big my own baby girl had gotten. I was sad about the fact that my little baby was no longer a little baby but had branched into full on toddlerdom. To some people that may seem silly because at 1 years old she is hardly an older child but there is nothing like a little newborn is there and it took me right back. I missed sharing the first few days of life with my daughter because she was in SCBU and in an incubator so it is almost with a green eye that I look upon my brother and sister-in-law basking in the glow of their little one.
My sadness didn’t just come from the realisation that my little one wasn’t so little anymore but it also highlighted for me how much I want to have another baby. Alyssa has been such a wonderful and amazing gift (if somewhat a surprise) and I am truly grateful to have her. However, I feel in my heart that I am not done, that I am meant to have more children and this is somewhat of a burden upon me because I am in no position to be having anymore. I am not in a relationship, let alone a loving one and although I could do it by myself like the wonderfully amazing Single Mum Speaks, financially I am not in a position to do this either… or at least not right now.
So, I had all of these feelings swimming around in my head and had a little cry and then suddenly the tears stopped and I felt incredibly ashamed of myself. The new arrival of a baby in the family is a time to celebrate not a time for self pity and thank goodness no one had seen my crying green-eyed monster rear it’s ugly head!! I have so much to be thankful for in what I have already received and I needed to remind myself of that.7
No, Alyssa is not a tiny baby anymore but she is still my little girl who has her whole life in front of her. Each day she does something new… a new word, a new trick, a new smile she is constantly surprising me and watching her trying and reaching all these milestones is amazing and something which gives me such a huge amount of pleasure… any of you that follow me on Instagram will be well aware of all the fun we have on a daily basis!
As for another baby? Who knows what will happen in the future. I am only 31 and when I finally begin to put myself out there again who knows what the rest of my life will entail – if it involves more children then that would be amazing and if it doesn’t, I will forever remind myself how lucky I already am to have my wonderful daughter… my little mini me I wasn’t sure I’d ever have!
It’s silly because we always want more don’t we? Where as actually if we look at what we have, we already have more than we had once dared hope for, don’t we?