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20th August 2016
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The Comforts of a Single Mummy…
24th August 2016

New Arrival: My Selfish Thoughts…

baby feeton a white blanket
For those of you that read my blog avidly  (I know that’s all of you of course) you will know that we have been waiting for a new addition to join our family and after months and months of waiting she is finally here. My beautiful little niece arrived in the early hours of Monday morning weighing 6lbs 2oz and already making her mummy and daddy tired. I gave a big whoop and cheer, especially when I heard she’d been delivered pain medication free (my sister in law is a bit hardcore!!) and then disappeared off by myself and a tear slid down my cheek…

a closed eye with tears on a cheekMe holding a new born alyssa

I am heartily ashamed and incredibly annoyed at myself for feeling any sadness at such a joyous occasion but… I did. Don’t get me wrong, no one would have known because when with my family my face displayed all the happiness I was also feeling at the arrival of my beautiful little niece. It seems forever ago that I became an Aunty (my nephew is now 10!!) and it was nice to get all those warm fuzzies back. However, cuddling Lily and looking at her photos seemed to overwhelm me and made me realise how big my own baby girl had gotten. I was sad about the fact that my little baby was no longer a little baby but had branched into full on toddlerdom. To some people that may seem silly because at 1 years old she is hardly an older child but there is nothing like a little newborn is there and it took me right back. I missed sharing the first few days of life with my daughter because she was in SCBU and in an incubator so it is almost with a green eye that I look upon my brother and sister-in-law basking in the glow of their little one.

a green eye

My sadness didn’t just come from the realisation that my little one wasn’t so little anymore but it also highlighted for me how much I want to have another baby. Alyssa has been such a wonderful and amazing gift (if somewhat a surprise) and I am truly grateful to have her. However, I feel in my heart that I am not done, that I am meant to have more children and this is somewhat of a burden upon me because I am in no position to be having anymore. I am not in a relationship, let alone a loving one and although I could do it by myself like the wonderfully amazing Single Mum Speaks, financially I am not in a position to do this either… or at least not right now.

So, I had all of these feelings swimming around in my head and had a little cry and then suddenly the tears stopped and I felt incredibly ashamed of myself. The new arrival of a baby in the family is a time to celebrate not a time for self pity and thank goodness no one had seen my crying green-eyed monster rear it’s ugly head!! I have so much to be thankful for in what I have already received and I needed to remind myself of that.7

Alyssa in a crown covered in cake with a smashed cake in front of her and bunting behind her

No, Alyssa is not a tiny baby anymore but she is still my little girl who has her whole life in front of her. Each day she does something new… a new word, a new trick, a new smile she is constantly surprising me and watching her trying and reaching all these milestones is amazing and something which gives me such a huge amount of pleasure… any of you that follow me on Instagram will be well aware of all the fun we have on a daily basis!

As for another baby? Who knows what will happen in the future. I am only 31 and when I finally begin to put myself out there again who knows what the rest of my life will entail – if it involves more children then that would be amazing and if it doesn’t, I will forever remind myself how lucky I already am to have my wonderful daughter… my little mini me I wasn’t sure I’d ever have!

Alyssa and I smiling at the camera
It’s silly because we always want more don’t we? Where as actually if we look at what we have, we already have more than we had once dared hope for, don’t we?
Run Jump Scrap!

41 Comments

  1. It’s not selfish Hun. You are entitled to feel a loss, I think most mums feel the weight of time on their shoulders when faced with a newborn. Don’t be hard on yourself ❤️ #ablogginggoodtime

  2. Oh hun, this is not selfish at all – I think it’s wonderful how honest you are with yourself. I have similar thoughts sometimes as my oh is 13 years old and as we already have a 12 year old, he’s kind of done with kids now but I’m still unsure if I am. You’re right that we should cherish our beautiful girlies and I’m sure the rest will come together soon enough. As Catie says, don’t be too hard of yourself xxx

  3. Awwwwwww hun I remember full on crying when I was sorting some of my girls old baby clothes for my new niece (long before Mimi came along)because we wasn’t going to have anymore, I was heart broken giving those clothes up. But I have found being aunty is just as much fun if not more so than being mum – because you get to give them back when they get cranky !!!

    # tribalchat

  4. Katie, I know how you feel. I would love another one too, and have a post coming about it at some point. I know I should feel grateful for the one I have, and I do, but I always wanted three! Thanks for my shout out.

  5. From Day Dot says:

    I imagine this is a totally normal reaction that many people have, but don’t have the guts to write about it! It doesn’t detract from the happiness you have over your new niece, and you obviously adore your daughter, but there’s no harm in acknowledging how you really feel at times. You never know what’s just around the corner and when it’s meant to happen, it will! xx #ablogginggoodtime

  6. Oh Katie those emotions are to be expected … you aren’t selfish at all and who knows what the next five years hold for you … it’s exciting not knowing lovely … all a wonderful surprise yet to be experienced. Lovely post and gorgeous photos xx #ablogginggoodtime

  7. Rhian Harris says:

    I think it’s quite normal to reflect on yourself – even if you are over the moon for someone for their news. It’s called ‘being human’. #ablogginggoodtime

  8. Sarah says:

    I think that’s completely normal! I get hugely jealous of friends who have little girls, because I know it’s probably too late for me now to ever maybe experience that, much as I love the boy! Xxx

  9. You never know what the future brings. Don’t write anything off yet. For example I never, ever thought I’d end up with a family of my own. I thought I’d be alone. Anything’s possible, lovely. #ablogginggoodtime

  10. I totally see where you’re coming from – newborns have a tendency to make us broody! And you never know what could happen – be open to all the possibilities! #ablogginggoodtime

  11. Everytime I would see Moms give birth in FB theres a bit of pain in my heart as well. Envy and craving… I want another baby but impossible with the state of my marriage. But yes looking at it deeper .. I have my son… if I get another one thats nice but it not.. he is enough… more than enough =)

    #ablogginggoodtime

  12. I don’t think it’s selfish at all! Just because your little green monster reared it’s head doesn’t mean you weren’t still just as happy for your bother! We have 2 boys and I have no idea if we will have any more, although we have been talking about adoption, but if we don’t and my brother has a girl, I will be the happiest person on earth for him….but I also think I’ll mourn the fact that we don’t (not that I’d change my beautiful boys for anything) and my own little green monster might momentarily raise it’s ugly little head! It’s not selfish, it’s just human! #ablogginggoodtime

  13. Oh lovely Katie, you are not selfish at all – these kinds of feelings are very natural and I think many of us have had similar feelings at times like this. When my great-niece was born 10 days before Jessica, I remember having to have a good cry before I could congratulate – it was one of my few “why us?” moments and I was intensely jealous that my nephew’s wife was able to experience motherhood without the overwhelming fears and worries I had. My next feeling was guilt, almost as if I was wishing my own experience on her which of course I wasn’t. Sometimes you just have to work through your own feelings. It is sad when you look back and realise that those newborn days are well and truly over – especially when you’ve had complications to worry about too. Hopefully one day you will experience them again for yourself but in the meantime, you get to have newborn snuggles all over again with your gorgeous niece x #ablogginggoodtime

  14. Crummy Mummy says:

    Congratulations! What a lovely post! #ablogginggoodtime

  15. This is not selfish! I think it is a very natural feeling, and very honest to admit it. Don’t be too hard on yourself though, and enjoy the fact that you can enjoy the good bits of this teeny baby without the loss of sleep (there are many benefits to being an auntie). You never know what the future might hold… #ablogginggoodtime

  16. It is not selfish to think about yourself in these times of great emotion. Sometimes these are the moments that can bring us such clarity to our own hopes and desires. They make us face things that perhaps we had been avoiding. You are a fantastic mother with a beautiful little girl, enjoy her she is still so small. When the time is right I am sure you will have the chance to have another baby. In the meantime grab as many cuddles with the lovely Lily and rejoice in the new addition to your family #ablogginggoodtime

  17. ohmummymia says:

    It is not selfish is normal feeling! My baby is 4 month and I’m already sad that time is going so fast:( Enjoy every single minute with your girl

  18. ohmummymia says:

    I forgot about tag 😛 #ablogginggoodtime

  19. Cara says:

    Babies bring up such emotional stuff, its not selfish at all. I always thought I would have a third but since having a second with a severe disability I think that a third would actually break me and my family but that doesn’t stop me having a wee pang of baby envy when i see a newborn, that newbie smell gets me every time.

  20. I can totally relate to this. I have the same feelings whenever I see a newborn. We had a real struggle getting the two we have and have been advised not to have more, and I am truly grateful for my little miracles (not so little anymore at 7 and 2), but there will always be that feeling of envy and I can’t help it. You have nothing to feel guilty about, it’s completely natural. Who knows, Mr Right could be just around the corner. What’s meant to be will be.
    #ablogginggoodtime

  21. Karen says:

    Please don’t feel bad for thinking like this. New babies are such a big thing and can have such an emotional effect on us in all kinds of ways. I think what you felt would be natural if you’re keen to have another baby at some point. It didn’t mean you had any resentment towards your brother and sister-in-law.

    As you say, you’re only 31 so you still have plenty of time to have another baby. I’m sure things will work out for you! #ablogginggoodtime

  22. I think you hit the nail on the head by expressing what so many women feel. Don’t feel bad, #ablogginggoodtime

  23. Jenni says:

    Theres nothing wrong with feeling like that, it’s natural. My little man is 1 now and a proper little boy, my baby has gone but it’s so incredible watching him develop every day and I feel so lucky to have him in my life x #ablogginggoodtime

  24. wendy says:

    Such an honest post Katie and I don’t think you are selfish at all. We all get a bit jealous sometimes, it doesn’t make you any less happy for your brother and sister in law. Who knows what the future holds for you but, like you said, you are so lucky to have Alyssa. I think many women feel exactly the same as you when friends/family have a baby, they just aren’t brave enough to write a blog about it xx #ablogginggoodtime

  25. Helena says:

    Gosh I am so sorry that your little one spent time away from you in SCBU. Mine had to go there just for their antibiotics. It sounds like what you experienced was frustration and that is truly understandable. #ablogginggoodtime

  26. Amy and Tots says:

    I love the honesty of your post, but I completely agree with that very last line. If I could, I would have baby after baby but OH just says 3 is now enough and that there won’t be any more. It’s very disheartening to know that this is my last pregnancy but I am so very grateful to have been able to have 3 children! I think that feeling will forever stay. #ablogginggoodtime

  27. Catherine says:

    This is such a normal way to,feel and I know so many others who have felt the same. My little girl is almost 9 months now and I always feel strange when looking at photos when she was tiny, but like you be seeing how she has changed and I am so excited about seeing her grow up and all the adventures she will have! #ablogginggoodtime

  28. Jenny says:

    It’s not selfish, it’s hard when you want a baby but the time isn’t right. My sister gave birth this week and now I’m so desperate for another. I do have a partner but I’m in the middle of a degree and we’re far from financially stable enough for another baby just yet. Don’t beat yourself up.

    #ABloggingGoodTime

  29. I think that what you felt is perfectly normal and I often feel exactly the same way when with my own newborn nephews. I feel broody and eager to have another baby but obviously my situation is completely different from your. You need to give yourself a break. Your feelings are perfectly normal x #ablogginggoodtime

  30. Laura says:

    I understand feeling envious too but for slightly different reasons. Because I had PND I didn’t really enjoy the first six months of T’s life and when I see happy new mums it can still hurt a little. Plus, we decided to try for another baby this year (after a lot of soul searching as I didn’t want to become ill again), got pregnant in March and sadly miscarried in May. We are still trying now. Any time I see a pregnant woman or a new baby the green monster rears up and I have to manage those feelings, which is exhausting.

    Please try not to beat yourself up about it – it’s completely natural to feel the way you do. And it’s great that you are focusing on the positives – you are still young and have lots of time xxx #ablogginggoodtime

  31. It’s so hard when you feel you’re ‘not done’ particularly when Hubs is pretty convinced he is done!! It took us 10years after the Twins to have our gorgeous little Bubs. I now feel I have met our needs and that our family is now complete.Hubs was keen to have more after Twins but the thought that we could have twins again was the sticking point!!
    You have time, you are young, you never know what is around the corner! X
    #ablogginggoodtime ?

  32. Not selfish at all – it’s totally understandable. As others have said in these comments, there’s plenty of time – never say never! The longer you wait, the sweeter those newborn snuggles will be 🙂 #bestandworst

  33. helen gandy says:

    Aww it’s so normal!! I think it’s the female hormones 🙂 Lovely piccies, thanks for linking up #bestandworst

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