I think I’m quite unfortunate in the fact that I have an addictive personality. I’m not bigging myself up here – I don’t mean that people get addicted to my personality because it is so amazeballs (though, y’know, if the shoe fits…) I mean that my personality finds it quite easy to get addicted to things. Once again, I think my waistline is testament for this as I’d say I was a food addict. I use food for any given situation – celebrating? Cook a nice meals, order a takeaway, go out to eat. Sad? Stuff your face with junk food to make you feel better. Socialising? Let’s go for ice cream. The list goes on and it is a pretty unhealthy way to live and one that I am desperately trying to do something about. One thing that has definitely fueled by food addiction is the fact that I gave up another addiction. I used to smoke. I used to smoke ALOT. It didn’t help that my housemate and I both did it and socialised a lot, so there was always cause to smoke. However, I did it. I stopped. I’m not here to preach but as it’s “Stoptober” I did not think I could let the month pass without saying something at least…
As I said, I am not here to preach – if you want to smoke or are not in the right head space to listen the click away. Believe me I know how you feel. I smoke at University then quit really easily. Then took it up again when I was studying for my teaching qualification then quit again. Started again when I lived in Italy, quit when I came home. Then moved in with my housemate and began again. Stoptober came and went a few times and I didn’t stop at all. I just carried on and for a number of years, hid it very well from my family. There were years in between stopping and starting, but it wasn’t until the final time I began again when I realised I truly was addicted.
I tried to stop a couple of times the last time and I just couldn’t do it. Why? The truth is I didn’t really want to. I was doing it because I felt I had to. I was also going cold turkey which I’m not sure every truly works and I also hated that I was replacing smoking with food and I DID NOT want to put on weight again. Then I got pregnant and it all changed.
Smoking no longer affected just me. It affected the life that was growing inside of me and for every drag on a cigarette, that was a breath my little bean was not getting. That it needed to get to survive. I am NOT going to lie, it was hard at first because I was going cold turkey and had I not been pregnant I probably would have used a e-cigarette this time to gradually wean myself off of cigarettes. Fortunately, I got to about 12 weeks pregnant and suddenly found the smell of the smoke made me want to vomit – I am not suggesting pregnancy as a form of addiction treatment just FYI.
Weirdly, three months after giving birth, I suddenly wanted a cigarette again. I didn’t have one and just to let you know I still haven’t. It doesn’t matter that I am no longer pregnant – that little group of cells is now a fully grown and learning toddler who sees and takes everything in. I do not want her to see me smoke and think that it is okay. Her father smokes, though never in front of her or when visiting her or taking her out which I’m thankful for, because like me we don’t want to do anything to encourage our little one to smoke. Why would we? Yes there are people that go their whole lives smoking twenty a day and die at the ripe old age of 99, happy in their bed. However, what if Alyssa smoked and happened to be one of those people that died young. Much younger than she should. All because her parents let her think that smoking was okay. She’s still growing. I’m still growing her and therefore I will protect her.
I won’t ever have another cigarette again. I know if I do it won’t just be the one. Sat here writing this post and talking about cigarettes, three years on from my last one, I can still feel the desire to sit down and have just one. I know why – it’s because I am tired, stressed, worn down and also trying not to eat. My body feels like it needs a crux. Something to support it. Well sorry body, but you’re going to have to stand on your own two feet!
If you want to talk to someone about quitting smoking, there are so many people who can help. I’LL HELP! Pop me a message and I’ll happily be your rant buddy/crux. Or there are so many different things that can help – patches, medicine, counselling the list is endless – There is even an App and Professionals you can speak to via Facebook Messenger.
If your head is in the right place right now then do it. Please
*This is a collaborative post – all opinions and experiences are my own.