I don’t think I have always been this way, though I can remember as far back as Year 7, worrying that I wasn’t cool enough or didn’t fit in. I faced some absolutely horrendous bullies in my time at school, the worst of which were the ones at other times I called my friends. I’d obviously try and big myself up at times to compensate or I’d try and be helpful or invaluable to them but it was never enough. There are 
honestly only 2 people I still speak to from school and only 3 from University and this has turned me into a worrier.
I worry that I try and push too hard with friends which in turn drives them away. I worry that actually I don’t have a very likable personality and people just put up with me for whatever reason that they do. I worry that by simply sending a message to a friend, I might be irritating them because perhaps I’m messaging them too much or relying on them too much. If I really and truly can’t tell if I have done something wrong, as I will sit there wracking my brain, picking on every little possible thing that could be the problem, I will finally give in and ask if everything is okay.
99% of the time, they will have been busy, forgotten, be tired or be absolutely fine and tell me I am worrying for nothing which of course instantly makes me feel better but does not stop me repeating the same behaviour again in the future. I don’t know when I became such a worrier and so anxious. Finding reams and reams of messages bad mouthing me on my former best friends phone probably didn’t help – I mean surely if you can trust anyone to be okay, it would be your BFF right?
I can remember losing close friends all the way back to year 5 when my closest friend decided she’d rather hang out with the new girl than me and I was once again left on my own. Maybe it is my own fault – maybe there is something wrong with me or I try to hard. Or perhaps I just make bad decisions when it comes to friends.
I don’t know if I will ever stop worrying or asking my nearest and dearest if they are okay with me? However, in the meantime, I’ll just be thankful that they humor me and my quirks.
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13 Comments
I feel you in at least some of the ways. If I message someone I know, I feel like I am being a pest or if I have messaged them a week before I think I shouldn’t message them again as they won’t want to hear from me again so soon. I also stop replying to people or say I have to go now, not because I want to just because I think they must have had enough of my chatting by now and don’t want them to be wishing me to go away.
I often wonder if people are actually ok with me also.
I don’t think you are alone in your quirks at all!
I always end a text with a x or sometimes xx, I recently sent a text to my physical therapist with a x wondering what he made mof that!#blogginggoodtime@_karendennis
Take comfort in your core group of friends. I lost contact with all mine from school and uni and find it very isolated these days. #ablogginggoodtime
always here if you want to talk xx
Wise words and sometimes just checking in on someone can make all the difference X #ablogginggoodtime
I thought I was the only person that feels this way! Mine comes because of abandonment issues created when my father left when I was 5. He would show up on occasion and promise to stay and would soon leave again.
I am 46 years old and still remember the day in 6th grade when my group of “friends” decided that I wasn’t cool enough to be in their group! These types of things run deep!
Through my adult life I had 1 friend I could really count on an unfortunately she died last November of Breast Cancer. I have been pretty lost since then.
Thank you so mych for sharing this post and for being vulnerable.
#ablogginggoodtime
Oh my lovely I am so sorry. If you ever want to talk just pop me a message any time xx
I am totally with you on this. I immediately get paranoid when I see those blue ticks. I have developed so many friendships over time and some have stayed for years, others have withered away. I do wonder whether I push them too hard too and out everything into that friendship. It’s a funny thing x #ABloggingGoodTime
I used to be like this and also don’t speak to anyone from my school days for very similar reasons. As I’ve got older I care less though, possibly because I have less time to care! #ablogginggoodtime
I used to be that way but as I got older, I realized I get busy too and don’t really care much now because I have other better things to worry about now. It gets better. 🙂 #ablogginggoodtime
I used to be like this too. I’m not sure when I ‘grew’ out of it. Maybe life just became too hectic to care anymore. But I remember the ‘fear’. I remember it being exhausting.
#ablogginggoodtime
I think our best friends are the ones that get or quirks, the ones we can be completely real with, the ones that get our humour, but also understand when we struggle.
Oh Katie I relate to this sooooo hard . Am currently all a dither as a particularly handsome boy hasn’t text me back….yet I know he’s seen mine . I know I’m being daft but immediately am panicking what I’ve said or done to be annoying!! It’s such hard work for us isn’t it . Like you thankfully my inner circle humour me #ablogginggoodtime