I don’t think I have always been this way, though I can remember as far back as Year 7, worrying that I wasn’t cool enough or didn’t fit in. I faced some absolutely horrendous bullies in my time at school, the worst of which were the ones at other times I called my friends. I’d obviously try and big myself up at times to compensate or I’d try and be helpful or invaluable to them but it was never enough. There are honestly only 2 people I still speak to from school and only 3 from University and this has turned me into a worrier.
I worry that I try and push too hard with friends which in turn drives them away. I worry that actually I don’t have a very likable personality and people just put up with me for whatever reason that they do. I worry that by simply sending a message to a friend, I might be irritating them because perhaps I’m messaging them too much or relying on them too much. If I really and truly can’t tell if I have done something wrong, as I will sit there wracking my brain, picking on every little possible thing that could be the problem, I will finally give in and ask if everything is okay.
99% of the time, they will have been busy, forgotten, be tired or be absolutely fine and tell me I am worrying for nothing which of course instantly makes me feel better but does not stop me repeating the same behaviour again in the future. I don’t know when I became such a worrier and so anxious. Finding reams and reams of messages bad mouthing me on my former best friends phone probably didn’t help – I mean surely if you can trust anyone to be okay, it would be your BFF right?
I can remember losing close friends all the way back to year 5 when my closest friend decided she’d rather hang out with the new girl than me and I was once again left on my own. Maybe it is my own fault – maybe there is something wrong with me or I try to hard. Or perhaps I just make bad decisions when it comes to friends.
I don’t know if I will ever stop worrying or asking my nearest and dearest if they are okay with me? However, in the meantime, I’ll just be thankful that they humor me and my quirks.
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