I was scrolling mindlessly through Facebook and came across a post from fellow blogger Ami (Through Ami’s Eyes check her out.) I find myself reading a lot of her posts because she is really relateable but this latest one struck a real chord. She was posting about the fact she was nervous because she was off to do filming with someone “really huge” and she was having a brief moment of anxiety and doubt that she wasn’t good enough or big enough and was a total impostor. I left an encouraging comment and carried on scrolling but I kept thinking back to her post, hence hopping onto my own blog to word vomit as I do, as it feels like something I need to get out. Ami said there was a little voice inside her head that was telling her that she wasn’t good enough or worthy. She claimed it was just a moment and that she had stuffed her bra full of healing crystals, had positive affirmations round her wrists and was off to face the “parenting giant.” It really surprised me as Ami comes off as hugely confident so it was a little comforting to see someone so confident struggle and feel the way I do about pretty much everything. I feel like the biggest impostor of all.
I can actually feel the lump in my throat and my eyes filling as I write this which is silly really but also probably a little bit cathartic because it’s not good to keep everything in but I am rubbish at letting it all out. Let me start by saying that I don’t feel like an impostor all of the time but I do feel like one a lot and in most aspects of my life.
When it comes to work, a fellow blogging friend described me as an “Uber Blogger.” She sees me as a real success which is lovely but I cannot see it myself and worry that one day people will see the truth; that I am just totally blagging and fluffing my way through. I am a success in the sense that I have been a self-employed blogger for over 4 years and am able to support myself on what I earn, but I don’t have the biggest audience or the most views or work with the biggest brands and get the biggest payments because, I think, I’m not really that good. I just use my brain I guess to make it work enough to support myself.
I keep thinking that one day soon, my luck will run out and I’ll have to “get a real job” (I realise that whatever some people and the government think, that what I do now is a real job) and go back to a status of employed. But it is not simply in my work that I feel like this.
I think my overall impostor syndrome stems from an overall feeling of not being good enough. I genuinely try to be the best parent and mother I can be but I do stop and wonder, like a lot of parents I am sure, if there is something more I could be doing. I know the fact that I worry if I am a good enough mother means I am already better than I think I am but I sit and look at my little girl sometimes and wish I could do more.
I glance at Mr Tutu sometimes or zone out whilst sitting with close friends and wonder why am I here? Why do they want me around? A long run of bad luck in both relationships and friendships has taken it’s toll meaning, and I know this is true, that I often try an over compensate meaning I end up being over the top or too much or what has been described as overly kind and generous as if I am buying someone’s time and love because I alone am not enough to secure it.
So how do we, I, we rid ourselves of these feelings? These feelings of inadequacy, that we are simply faking it until someone discovers the truth. I have no one currently in my life who says things to make me feel bad or make me feel these things about myself, so are they stemming from my own self-doubt or am I projecting from past experiences.
How do I fix this? Do I stuff my bra with crystals like Ami? Do I get a positive affirmation tattooed on my forehead? Who knows. I did not write this post for answers or for sympathy. It was for my own cathartic reasons; letting it all out in the hopes that the build up will trickle away leaving me feeling a little lighter if nothing else. I’m also hoping I am not alone.