Is it my fault?

I don’t know if it’s because she was taken away at birth, if I am a soft touch,  if I have committed some heinous parenting faux pas or if my little darling isn’t just a bit of a diva but apart from a few weeks  (where she horribly lulled me into a false sense of smugness ) my little girl has never been good at sleeping… anywhere but on or with me!

It started during our two week stay in hospital- she completely played me. The tiniest squeak and she was out of the crib for cuddles – big mistake and one I am sure every new mummy or daddy makes.

I soon learnt not to jump at every squeal and have since learnt to distinguish  between her different cries. She has several for me to choose from :
1. The “I am not awake yet but am going to wail slightly to let you know that I soon will be” cry
2. The “I am not asleep yet but am going to wail slightly to let you know that I soon will be “cry
3. The angry shouting “Why aren’t you here rocking/feeding/comforting /fussing/letting me sleep on you mother” cry.
And…
4. The “my world has come to an end” genuine upset cry.

But even having learnt the cries and when I should and shouldn’t respond, it doesn’t change the simple fact that my bubba sucks at sleeping anywhere but on me… AT NIGHT!

Let me explain…. I have a completely different baby from 5 am -7pm. She will go to sleep in her cocoon mattress and even occasionally in her cot, no fuss from me just her white noise and dummy and she’s off into the land of nod… in fact she point blank refuses to go to sleep if i am in the room! I know what you are thinking… I am giving her too many naps/or not enough during the day, but no she sleeps 2-4 hours in slots throughout the day which is the recommended amount for her age. However, from 7pm til 5am  my little mini clinger demon emerges and screams the place down and point blank refuses to sleep anywhere but on me until I decide it’s time for “us” to go to bed. It will then take me on average a good 45 minutes to an hour to get her off to sleep. Then 9 times out of ten she re-wakes half an hour later and needs resettling which luckily doesn’t take long. My own bed time has become earlier and earlier so that she can get some sleep. However, this is taking it’s toll on me because I literally have no time just to myself. Don’t get me wrong I love being with her, but at the same time it would be nice to even just have an hour in the evening to read a book – I haven’t read anything since pregnancy other than blog posts I catch in naps!

It has to be said that I have indulged her and have not fought for her to sleep in a bed because I couldn’t bare the crying and thought if she wants to be with me that badly how can I refuse? So I have let her sleep on me whilst I watch TV or tap away on my tablet or get a sore neck and shoulder. Therefore, you could say it is entirely my own fault and I wouldn’t disagree. But she’s been like this since 3 weeks old when she came home,  got her first virus and just wanted to be on mummy the whole time.

As I said though, it is now starting to take its toll. I need a babysitter to take a bath, cannot remember the last time I sat at a table to eat dinner rather than balancing it next to me and eating one handed while she sleeps and as for time to see friends or even sit down with a glass of wine and watch some trashy TV you have to be kidding. I know and understand that you give up a lot when having and choosing to have a baby but I haven’t put her down or had an evening to be me for nearly 7 months…. things have to change for both our sakes!!

I was tempted to hire a sleep specialist – I mean why can my baby sleep and self soothe in the day but not at night?  And why is she waking after half an hour to be resettled?!? So many questions, but a sleep specialist would cost money that I can’t really afford and what if they came up with a plan I simply couldn’t follow! Well it was pretty obvious what I had to do…. Oh DR GOOGGGGLLLEEE !

My mum and I hit site after site, net mums chat room after twitter hash tag looking for tips tricks and advice on how to get your baby to be a good sleeper. I mean obviously at some point I’d love her to sleep through too (waking anywhere from 0-4 times a night ) but to start with I’d settle for her going to be at a time that she should without me having to go too! So what advice have I found… Basically, I have one of two choices. Leave her to cry, occasionally checking on her until she learns it’s bedtime. Or sit with her until she goes to sleep and gradually extract myself from the room. One major piece of advice is that you stick to the same routine everynight – songs, books, bath, smells everything! So that they start to learn the signals. This is going to be a big step for us both because not only am I going to attempt to teach my child to sleep in the evenings (even harder after 6 months because it is like they have learnt the rules and now you’re changing them) but I am going to teach her to sleep in her COT! A place she has only slept a maximum of 45minutes – an hour her entire life. What have I let myself in for?

As I stand on the precipice of this new “teaching” I am about to go through with my daughter, I wonder if I am also the one being taught a lesson. Was it my fault she will not sleep? Did I do something wrong by indulging my daughter in the cuddles she cried and craved for? Should I have had this whole mummy job sussed in two weeks like “The Two Week Perfect Mum” I have read about ranting all over the internet accusing parents of being lazy? I guess we learn by our mistakes and we learn in practice. I just hope I can now teach my daughter a new way of doing things, that will not be too painful or traumatic for her. However, I am sure there will be tears from us both.

Any advice? Anyone experience the same thing? Did I do the wrong thing? Or was I right if somewhat indulgent to follow my instincts.