I was sat writing social media posts as when it gets to the school holidays I like to try and get ahead because it is so hard to work with Alyssa home. I manage ALOT of platforms and it takes me a good few days to get up together. I stupidly always leave mine until last when my brain is tired and no longer wishes to function.
I began to write a post about not sleeping well and the reasons why and it ended up going on for so long, I thought it would be better off in a blog post – especially since I’ve had trouble writing personal posts for a while now.
As I said, I am having trouble sleeping. I don’t seem to be able to switch off. I listen to some hypnotherapy that works and I do switch off but occasionally, sleep just evades me or if I do drop off, I’ll wake in the night and my brain commences it’s run down of things it needs to go over.
Obviously there is the normal things – what do I need to buy in this week’s shopping? Does Alyssa have packed or cooked lunch tomorrow? Have I washed her uniform etc. Then the self doubt starts to creep in and the thoughts turn darker.
I spend my life on the internet, it is my job and it is one I love. Even 5 years on, I still feel like an imposter and one of these days someone is going to figure it out and this chapter of my life will be over. I look at what other people; parents, bloggers, vloggers, women are doing and I wonder if I could and should be doing more?
I lay there and plan a vlog in my head, which usually starts with me beginning as soon as I wake up and inevitably, the next morning after the little sleep I have had, all thoughts of the vlog go out of my head and I get on with my day until later on, usually around lunchtime I remember and sigh and think well, maybe tomorrow, adding to feelings of being a total failure.
I know I cannot do it all, that is impossible for anyone, but I want to do more. Achieve more. I want to not always feel one step behind in life. I am a people pleaser, which is a terrible thing to be really. Why? Because, no matter what I do, I feel a sense of disappointment surround me. Some of it, rarely comes from others, but mostly it is the disappointment that I feel in myself.
I get reassurances from various people that I am lucky to have in my life and despite trusting them completely, it is impossible to take these reassurances in and let them soothe my hoarse internal voice. I feel the constant need to be so much more and the constant sadness that I am not.
One day, I need to learn, that what I am and what I do is enough.
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