But You’re Not Supposed to Be Happy…

I have never made a secret of the fact that I am a single mother… in fact I wear the badge with pride. I have also never hidden the fact that The Ex-Dad and I had a rather rocky end to our relationship at one of the toughest moments it could have happened… mere days before finding out I was pregnant and then finally in the days following our daughters birth. Things were said and not meant, things were said and meant, but at the end of the day we are both parents to this wonderful little girl which will connect us for the rest of our lives whether we like it or not.

Now, in recent weeks I have to say we have actually been getting along – shocking I know! We are never going to be best friends, however we seem to have settled into a friendly banter with the odd dive into stupidity (from him not me I might add) and have been pootling along in our own parenting world. However, last weekend we had a conversation to which my reaction left me somewhat startled…

He had come to visit bubba and we were sat in the garden; him playing with her in the paddling pool and me writing from a table nearby. He looked up and said “Oh, by the way, I am going away for a few days in a fortnight don’t forget!” I hadn’t forgotten at all and nodded my head whilst adding “Yeah, well don’t send me any drunken messages like the last time you went away with the lads” in an attempt at our “jokey” banter (poor attempt I know!) At which point he responded with, “Oh, I’m not going with them. I’m going with Hannah.” BOOM… smack round the head.

I don’t think my facial expression inside changed but something weird happened inside me, something I hadn’t expected… my heart sank. He was going away. He was going away with his girlfriend. He was going away with the girlfriend he had been dating since a month after we had broken up. It must be getting serious. That night, he shared a picture of our daughter on his

 Facebook and Hannah commented with a little heart. My heart sank even further whilst in my head a voice began screaming “Back Off B***h! She’s MY daughter!” I felt like I was in complete meltdown mode.

After a while of allowing myself to calm down, I sat and questioned what on earth was making me feel like this? Did I want him back? Did I still love him? The very quick answer of No came to both these questions, but it still didn’t explain my feelings. Why was I so miserable that he was going away with her and why did I want to creep over with an axe in the middle of the night because of a heart emoticon on a picture?

Well, here’s the thing… he’s happy. He’s happy with someone else. He’s not supposed to be happy. Whilst I don’t want him, I do want to be happy and at the moment I’m just not. It is so very hard to see someone moving on without you. Normally, if you break up with someone you very rarely see them again but when children are involved you have no choice. Not only is he happy, but he is getting to go off on holiday and enjoy himself – my present idea of a holiday is a

 trip to the bathroom that doesn’t involve my child! I am happy with my life and the direction it is going in but single mumdom is very lonely sometimes with the other end of the sofa cold and empty in the evening…. Hmmm I may need to get a puppy!

The heart emoticon… well, I think that is a normal reaction. I remember being a little girl and a new step-mother appearing in my life. Whilst she was new and fresh and fun, nothing ever ever replaced the comforting and loving arms of my own mother and nothing ever would. This is something I must try to remember in my moments of irrational thought.

I must also remember that I have this beautiful little girl that I get to hold for the rest of my life and a group of friends that, when that sofa is feeling rather lonely, are right there at the end of a message or a call to cheer me up, make me laugh and will be there to share in my future happiness, whenever it chooses to arrive… I have placed an advert on my blog for a husband if anyone is interested. Until then, I’m going to decide which puppy I should get!