I almost feel a bit silly writing this – the more I think about it the more I believe people will just think I am being stupid. However, there is no turning back now, unless of course I hit unpublish and the few people that do end up reading this will soon forget I am sure.
About a year ago now, I told someone how I felt about them. I’m sure if you have been around Mummy in a Tutu a long time you will have read my posts about love and relationships. However, this time I didn’t write about it. I told someone that I loved them and this was after weeks of messages, hints and comments made (I have also known this person years) and inevitably they turned me down.
They were very nice about it – used that time old classic of “It’s not you, it’s me” and added in the fact that actually they had realised they didn’t want to be with anyone. It was too much hassle. They were happier to live out the rest of their days with the comfort of their children and the friends and family they already had.
I’m not going to lie, I was heartbroken. A mess. I usually am when it comes to affairs of the heart, again it’s just the way I am. Took me a week to stop crying and for the first time ever, I didn’t want to write it down and get it out. It was too much and too raw and actually I don’t want to go into it anymore now. I’m over it. Feelings extinguished. Life has moved on.
The reason I am bringing it up is because I accepted that persons “It’s not me, It’s you” and all the other fluff that came with it. Maybe because it made me feel better (not by a lot) at the time. Who knows because only a stupid person would believe that line and now I do, I do feel really stupid.
Are you ready for the self-indulgent bit because it’s about to arrive in buckets. This last week, I have found out that the person I attempted to open my heart to is seeing someone. Not just seeing someone but is in a relationship with them and has been for quite a while. To give you some perspective, they’re at the booking expensive, romantic holidays together stage so it’s not a new thing.
I feel sad. It’s such a simple, three word sentence but the poor thing holds so much weight. I feel sad because that means that all those months ago… it was actually me. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to date or be in a relationship with no one, it was that they didn’t want to be in one for me and for someone as self-deprecating as me, well you can imagine the thoughts running through my head on a loop now I am sure.
You’re a failure. You’re unattractive. You’re fat. You’re useless. You’re a single mum. You’re too sensitive. You’re too emotional. You’re a horrible person… and it goes on and on and on because let’s face it, society has taught us that a lot of these things are excuses people use not to be with someone. So I do. I feel sad. I feel like the real answer back then should have been “No thanks, anyone but you.” As I said, self-indulgent.
When in a sensible frame of mind I am sure this person has simply just changed their mind and that actually not as much thought or weight was given to refusing me as I give credit for. I suppose in their mind it wasn’t me, it was them. All about them. However, that doesn’t make me feel any better now. They haven’t done anything wrong (apart from continuing to breathe) this is me. My issue. In hindsight it’s unrealistic to believe someone will remain single forever but it was a comforting thought for a while.
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13 Comments
Urgh….this is horrible !!! (Although never apologise for writing whatever you like , your little bit of the internet,your rules!) I absolutely relate to this and have been to eager to accept the trite “it’s not you….” lines .Think maybe it’s a self preservation thing!!
Ah you have every right to feel self indulgent but you are not allowed to spent anymore time feeling sorry for yourself. Being a single mum does not mean you will not find love (it does make it harder I will concede but mainly because you can’t get out so easily) and neither do any of the other reasons you listed. Of course in a normal situation you wouldn’t even know about said relationship or be in any contact with that person so that would make it easier. However, you are so much happier and better where you are now in life than where you were 4 odd years ago. Don’t forget that! You chose not to be there for good reason. I understand why you feel the way you do though and you have not been free to properly explore those reasons here. However, you must keep Karen’s opinion at front of mind because she is right. #ablogginggoodtime
thank you my lovely friend xx
Just remember your a brilliant mum and your mr right will come in to your life, probably when you least expect it #ablogginggoodtime
It’s really sad when that happens and even though what they said was probably true at the time, it’s still hard when someone who gives you that speel then does the exact opposite later. Sending lots of hugs.
I’m so sad and sorry. Please don’t let this tarnish your thinking about how wonderful you are!
I think you were incredibly brave for telling the person how you felt – that takes real guts. I heard someone say recently that rejection is less painful than regret and not knowing. That helped me and I have lived with regret for 30 years for not telling the love of my life how I felt. I look forward to reading a post in the future where you have found someone special if that is what you want – so many bloggers have done this over the years having written posts not too unlike yours As my late and very wise dad used to say “Life changes” and I hope your good heart is rewarded very soon #abloggingoodtime
thank you so much. This is so lovely xxx
Your feelings are real and not over indulgent at all. I hope some day, very soon, you will see that it is his loss. You are the bomb! <3 Feel your pain, then let it go in a Buddhist way… no sense carrying it around. Much love! #ablogginggoodtime xoxo
You’re allowed to be self indulgent noe and then. Your feelings are valid and you should be able to express them, as thats a good starting point for getting over it and moving forward. Maybe he really believed he didn’t want to be in relationship at the time he turned you down. The important thing to remember is that whatever his reason was, it really is about him. Just because you wasnt right for him doesn’t mean you’re not right and not worthy.
#ablogginggoodtime
You are allowed to be self-indulgent but I also don’t really see this as being self-indulgent. You are feeling a certain way because someone hurt you. Whether they intended to or not isn’t the point. You are sad and you have a right to feel this way. We are human beings with complex emotions so feel free to let it out, especially in your own blog. As to the whole “It’s not You” thing, I have said that. I am at a point in my life where I really don’t want to be with anyone. The last relationship I had (last year) caused me to do a lot of soul searching and I’ve come to realize that I really am happier by myself. I tend to sacrifice too much of myself for the benefit of the other person and this is something I DO NOT want to do. However, that doesn’t mean that if I meet someone who ticks all the boxes that I won’t change my mind later on. This is possible that its what he did but I can also see how maybe he just wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with you but didn’t want to tell you that for fear that he would hurt you. You got hurt regardless though so his intentions, whatever they were, were mute. I’m sorry you went through this but I do hope you find what you’re looking for. You have a bright future ahead of you and you’re a great mom! #ABloggingGoodTime
thank you so much. your words mean so much xx
[…] time ago I read a post by a fellow single mum blogger, about the fact that when someone utters the dreaded line “It’s not you, it’s […]