I feel like I am working through a lot of things at the moment. Changes are coming and I can feel it in the air, they are coming and I don’t think most of them are going to be at all welcome. Unfortunately, despite the fact I share everything pretty much on here, my main worry is not something I can share as past experience has taught me. However, something else has recently attacked my tear ducts and quite honestly it could just be me being slightly self indulgent or important, over sensitive or too emotional but I can’t help it. It’s the way I am. It is the way I have always been. Stupidly, I have always worn my heart on my sleeve which has left it in plain view for anyone wishing to take a pop at it. Seeing as this is MY blog though, I suppose I am allowed to be as self-indulgent as I like. Misery loves company, so join me won’t you….
I almost feel a bit silly writing this – the more I think about it the more I believe people will just think I am being stupid. However, there is no turning back now, unless of course I hit unpublish and the few people that do end up reading this will soon forget I am sure.
About a year ago now, I told someone how I felt about them. I’m sure if you have been around Mummy in a Tutu a long time you will have read my posts about love and relationships. However, this time I didn’t write about it. I told someone that I loved them and this was after weeks of messages, hints and comments made (I have also known this person years) and inevitably they turned me down.
They were very nice about it – used that time old classic of “It’s not you, it’s me” and added in the fact that actually they had realised they didn’t want to be with anyone. It was too much hassle. They were happier to live out the rest of their days with the comfort of their children and the friends and family they already had.
I’m not going to lie, I was heartbroken. A mess. I usually am when it comes to affairs of the heart, again it’s just the way I am. Took me a week to stop crying and for the first time ever, I didn’t want to write it down and get it out. It was too much and too raw and actually I don’t want to go into it anymore now. I’m over it. Feelings extinguished. Life has moved on.
The reason I am bringing it up is because I accepted that persons “It’s not me, It’s you” and all the other fluff that came with it. Maybe because it made me feel better (not by a lot) at the time. Who knows because only a stupid person would believe that line and now I do, I do feel really stupid.
Are you ready for the self-indulgent bit because it’s about to arrive in buckets. This last week, I have found out that the person I attempted to open my heart to is seeing someone. Not just seeing someone but is in a relationship with them and has been for quite a while. To give you some perspective, they’re at the booking expensive, romantic holidays together stage so it’s not a new thing.
I feel sad. It’s such a simple, three word sentence but the poor thing holds so much weight. I feel sad because that means that all those months ago… it was actually me. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to date or be in a relationship with no one, it was that they didn’t want to be in one for me and for someone as self-deprecating as me, well you can imagine the thoughts running through my head on a loop now I am sure.
You’re a failure. You’re unattractive. You’re fat. You’re useless. You’re a single mum. You’re too sensitive. You’re too emotional. You’re a horrible person… and it goes on and on and on because let’s face it, society has taught us that a lot of these things are excuses people use not to be with someone. So I do. I feel sad. I feel like the real answer back then should have been “No thanks, anyone but you.” As I said, self-indulgent.
When in a sensible frame of mind I am sure this person has simply just changed their mind and that actually not as much thought or weight was given to refusing me as I give credit for. I suppose in their mind it wasn’t me, it was them. All about them. However, that doesn’t make me feel any better now. They haven’t done anything wrong (apart from continuing to breathe) this is me. My issue. In hindsight it’s unrealistic to believe someone will remain single forever but it was a comforting thought for a while.
Rant over. Word vomit ending. As I pre-warned it was excessively over indulgent and I would say that I am sorry but I am not. This is how I feel and no one should have to apologise for the way they feel, whatever some people say, even this person here. Hopefully this sadness won’t last for long and I’ll be able to turn it into something positive. But for now if you need me, I’ll be the one in the corner, wallowing in self-pity.