I had this vision in my head of being a mother. I wanted to be a mum from the age of 14 when my broodiness seemed to kick in and despite enjoying my studies and my work I always longed for a baby. At that young age I thought I’d be married by 23 and have two children before 30 and then that would be my life. Well, as the years passed my life plan silently moved further and further back until I came to accept the fact that it wasn’t going to happen that way at all. I even started to accept the fact I might not get to be a mother. Then I found out that I was expecting Alyssa and every dream was coming true. In my head I pictured a life like Lorelai and Rory in the Gilmore Girls where we’d be bffs forever and men could sod off. Of course what I hadn’t taken into account was that they never showed Rory’s baby and toddler years. In face she’s a middle-aged teenager at the beginning of the popular sitcom. Therefore, something I wasn’t expecting was to be an angry mum…
No, I am not naive enough to think that my life with my child was going to be perfect but I honestly thought that I would be a lot different as a mother. I sometimes find myself rather disappointed in myself as a mother which sounds harsh I suppose but then we are our own harshest critics aren’t we? Though sometimes I even wonder if the friends and family watching me are disappointed in my parenting too.
Needless to say my bubba has thrown me some curveballs I wasn’t expecting. I never expected to get a child who’s sleep was and still is questionable at the best of times. I’ve done sleep training and we’ve stuck to routines and schedules and we’ve also tried being relaxed but at the ripe old age of 2.5 years old my little one still gets up 2 or 3 times a night – sometimes less so if she sleeps in my bed which she’s done every night since the end of last November.
I can honestly say I’m bloody exhausted. I work in the evenings and any free moment I get and family help when they can but they’re not her parent, that’s me and I’m shattered. The bad news is, I’m not a very good tired person. I get cranky. A lot of the time I can push past grumpy and just be my normal self with smiles and happiness galore. However, there are some days when I just can’t and this could be because of a run of bad nights, one really bad one or added stress from work deadlines but on these particular days I don’t particularly like the mum I am. I have a much shorter temper and rather than saving it for something really bad ill snap at my little and of course she, being the feisty feminist that she is, will bite back and this can often lead to a timeout but isn’t it me that should be on that time out chair?
I’m not the only one that’s tired because of course she is too and 80% of parents out there (except the smug bastards who I swear must drug their children) but when you’re so tired that your eye twitch has become permanent then you don’t really think. However, give me 2 or 3 minutes just to think and I’m suddenly mortified that I raised my voice and snapped and usually end up pulling her into a cuddle and explaining why mummy was cross, what she should or shouldn’t do and that I’m sorry. I don’t actually care if this is bad parenting as it’s what I need to do to placate my guilt… Well that and a good cry at the end of the day.
I for one know I give myself a hard time as a mum. I don’t think I craft enough, cook good enough food, take her out enough and I sometimes turn into angry Mama. I genuinely had it in my head that I’d be the kind of mum that rivaled a Stepford Wife but the truth is that I’m as far from it as I could be and sometimes I don’t even manage to hold my shit together enough to not become angry Mama and that is a real disappointment.
Tell me I’m not the only one? Do you have an angry Mama or Dada that makes an appearance? If you manage to squash it then how?! I suppose I just worry that she deserves more.