*Ad – Gifted. All opinions are my own.
This post, I suppose is meant for one person in particular. I won’t name them. They will know who they are. This is the first personal post I have written for quite a while. I have had a bit of a block. I have sat and watched the cursor blinking and taunting me. Daring me to start tapping away at the keys like it knows I can but I simply, for one of the very few times in my life, haven’t had the words. Not only have I not written a personal post for a while but I have also, I don’t know if you have noticed, but been a little quiet in general. The blog. Social media. In all honesty, I couldn’t quite face it and some days I didn’t even remember it existed. This is all sounding a little cryptic but I will explain. My life has been changing. Dramatically. This post is my way of saying thank you. To every one but one person in particular, for pulling me out of the darkness.
Back in November last year, I wrote “On the Receiving End” all about what it’s like to be on the receiving end of abuse from within your family and those suffering from mental health issues. I wrote, “The tears grow bigger and the hole in your heart grows too. In fact it gets to the point where you simply want to say enough is enough, I’m done and walk away. But how can you?” Well, that is what I did. In July, I walked away and it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Ever.
Why did I finally walk away? Because I suddenly realised how badly it effect Alyssa. For some reason it was okay to me to keep on taking the abuse, walking on egg shells but when she showed fear and disruption, it was finally enough for it to not be okay. I took Alyssa to the park one morning when there was upset and then decided that we needed a break. We went back, packed a bag and got picked up and walked away.
It was only going to be for 2 weeks to begin with, the days started rolling passed, things weren’t being fixed and in the end we all decided it would be better to give notice and move forwards. I didn’t realise how much Alyssa had been effected until we left. Now, nearly 2 months on, she still asks me several times a week if she will need to see the person who so upset us again and she still has the odd nightmare but they are less frequent. Her anger has gone. I had never realised how angry she was and how much her behaviour was effected until she started to come out of it.
The guilt is real. I should have said enough was enough sooner but I didn’t. Something that really and truly shocked me was how broken I was. I hadn’t realised how much I no longer wanted to exist and that the only real reason I was hanging on was Alyssa and that the rest of it I was just going through the motions. Cooking, cleaning, working, kind of sleeping, kind of parenting, rinse and repeating. The feeling of being totally and completely worthless and not good enough was all consuming and the anxiety was like a tsunami raging through my body.
Several people, family and friends, cared and offered words and advice and tissues and it’s not until you’re in crisis that you realise just how many people you have that love and care for you and it was and still is incredibly heart-warming. I have so much love and thanks for all these people and they know who they are. Two or three have been there every moment. Virtually and physically wrapped me in hugs and been there at any moment I have messaged with words of advice, tissues and of course gin.
I have to say thank you though to one in particular though. Who’s held my hand every step of the way and as I said, pulled me back away from the darkness, every time I ventured near. They have sat and let the tears flow, wrapped me in hugs that really did feel like they could fix everything. Been there every moment of the day be it in person or on the phone for every high moment and the many many low moments. I have repeatedly said thank you, thank you and thank you again and they’ve brushed it aside and told me “…holding your hand. Always and every step of the way.” And they still are and I know always will be.
Thank you just doesn’t seem enough. I feel like I need to do something like organise a day out or a spa day or scour the internet for just that perfect gift that says everything I cannot. Then I suddenly realised what I needed to do. I needed to sit down, look at the cursor and not let it defeat me and write this post. Thank you isn’t enough. It will never be enough. But maybe all these words of mine together will show how much I mean it.
Thank you for caring. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving my daughter. Thank you for the hugs. Thank you for listening. Thank you for the words. Thank you for pulling me from the darkness. Thank you for holding my hand. And most of all, thank you for still holding onto my hand and not letting go.