#ABloggingGoodTime Week 106
18th October 2018
Welcome to #InstaLinky Week 18
21st October 2018
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This is something I never thought I’d be writing or talking about or even acknowledging but I decided I would because somewhere between the thoughts and tears there was a message that perhaps others needed to hear, however hard that may be.
Alyssa is my daughter. That seems like an obvious statement but right here and now it’s an important one. She’s my daughter and sometimes feels like the oxygen that helps me to get through the day. In my stupid, Disney addled brain, we’re a sort of Gilmore Girls real life replica except I don’t have ridiculously wealthy parents and I can’t handle as much coffee as they drink! She has her daddy who she sees each week and they love each other a lot. There are grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and close friends. We all love her. We didn’t need anyone else. However, someone else was coming and I could deny it all I wanted but it wouldn’t go away. She wouldn’t go away. The other woman.


a black and white photo of a couple kissingI had had my suspicions for a while that her dad was seeing someone. We’re not on each others social media. It’s better that way. However, I knew the signs as I obviously know him quite well and after a few weeks just dropped it into conversation and had it confirmed. I suppose technically it’s none of my business, our personal lives are our own, but when it has the potential to be something that will effect our daughter then that’s when it becomes a shared business.

As with the other relationship he’d had since us, instantly my stomach started knotting. Not because of him but because of her. In all honesty the thought running through my head on repeat was please don’t let this be the one that works out. I know that’s selfish. You might be thinking it’s because I still have feelings for him. I didn’t. I don’t. It wasn’t about that. It was about her. It wouldn’t have mattered who alyssa wearing sunglasses and sitting in the chairshe was or what she did, I didn’t want this to be the one that worked out.

Within a few weeks though, I was pretty sure that my worst fears were coming true in front of me. They had booked a holiday together, he was basically living with her and by all accounts they were looking to the future. Why was any of this my business? Well, we had made an agreement right at the beginning of Alyssa’s life that he wouldn’t introduce a partner to her unless he’d been dating them at least 6 months and he was sure it was going to work out. It wouldn’t be fair to Alyssa, having people come and go and obviously seeing Alyssa was about her and him and no one else.

It was pretty evident that this woman was someone who was going to last and I was pretty sure the 6 month mark had already passed. I also thought he was probably worrying about asking or mentioning them meeting. With every ounce of courage I had, I messaged him and suggested that rather than Alyssa and I attending her cousin’s birthday party the following weekend, perhaps he’d like to use the opportunity to introduce Alyssa to his partner. He made sure that I was okay with it, that it was my decision and said thank you. At this point, the sob escaped my mouth and I sat there and cried.

a woman sat on the floor with a child looking at a mapI truly sobbed for a good ten minutes or so and then managed to pull myself together. Why was I crying? Because, I didn’t have my daughter, the thing I had craved most in life for years and years, for someone else to come along and get to play a sort of “mum” role. People said to me but you will always be her mum…yes but FYI, this doesn’t help me. She will still go out with them for days out and people will look and think she is Alyssa’s mother and that really really hurts. When I had met her dad 4 years ago, I never thought this is where we would end up.

Of course they met and everything went well. Very considerately he kept her away from the house and me but it became quite apparent that she would be around and an important part of Alyssa’s life for the foreseeable future, so I asked him to bring her to the house so I could say hello, which we did. I wanted to hate her. I wanted to find some reason to not like her, just for my own sanity. I couldn’t. Rather annoyingly from our brief interactions she seems quite nice.

What is both good and bad is that Alyssa adores her. She looks forward to seeing her and wants to do everything with her. That does mean that at home if I say no or not now then I get told she is off to see this other woman to do it with her. I know it shouldn’t and that I should take it with a pinch of salt but this cuts like a knife right to the heart. I should be pleased that she gets on so well with her and I do know I can never be replaced but that doesn’t stop the flash of pain that passes through me when her name is mentioned or excitement comes from a visit.

a woman holding a child's hand outside

Why am I writing this? Because I want any other parent feeling the absolute heartbreak of bringing another adult into a parenting role for their child to know they are not alone. It does hurt. In fact  it’s one of the worst hurts I know. It doesn’t go away. You just learn to live with it and have to remember that at some point you may be doing the same or you may even be the new person joining the clan. If you are that new person, know that any sadness, hostility or any other negative feelings directed toward you are borne from the love of our children and not because of who you are.
To the other woman in my daughter’s life, thank you for being nice. We won’t ever be friends but I am glad that you and my daughter are.

14 Comments

  1. What a very brave post. You sound like an incredible woman. Well done!

  2. Clare says:

    Wow this is one touching and very brave post to write. I have step children and in fact one lives with me, he moved in with us when he was 16. So I have it only from the other side. BUT as a mum myself I completely hear you. You are (and I know you don’t feel it now) incredibly lucky that she is nice and your little one enjoys spending time with her. I had a “wicked” step mum when I was younger and it was sooo hard. We did reconcile much later in life though. Keep strong and it will be amazing for your daughter to have 2 loving parents and that she enjoys spending time with him! Big hugs though 🙂

  3. this made my heart sink, oh hun I can only imagine what it would be like, you actually sound like you are handling way better than I would, very mature and you should be so proud of yourself. It is good that she is lovely, even though I get what you are saying about wanting to not like her, your love for Alyssa shines through because you are happy that she is nice and Alyssa likes her even if it hurts.

  4. Jo says:

    Such a brave thing to admit how you feel about this. I know that I would feel the same #ABloggingGoodTime .

  5. I think being so honest and open about it all, and what you are feeling, is going to be such a huge help in negotiating this. And it is so good that she sounds like a nice person. Even if your daughter does like this woman, don’t worry, she knows who her mum is. And as we are well aware, kids are certainly not above the old playing one against the other routine! Good it appears to be working out as well as it is, even if it is so painful for you. #ABlogggingGoodTime

  6. What a brave and heartfelt post Katie. I can tell from your words how much it hurts, but Alyssa could have another person looking out for her and that can’t be a bad thing. Me and my biological mother never got along, nothing like your relationship with Alyssa, but I was very lucky to have a loving stepmum who wasn’t afraid to discipline me when I was naughty but also gave me nothing but love. Having someone who is not related to you, looking out for you can sometimes be a wonderful thing. I have no doubt Alyssa will always come to you first with any problems she has in the future, and she may hurt you with the excitement of seeing the other woman right now, but that will fade. This other woman doesn’t have to discipline her at the moment, and that’s always going to be appealing in a child’s eyes. I used to love visiting my dad because he never told me off after my parents split. He was afraid of upsetting me.
    Nothing can take away the hurt you feel when she mentions the other woman, but maybe eventually you’ll be able to hear her name without wincing because together with you and your ex she helps make Alyssa happier. xxx
    Hugs.
    #ablogginggoodtime

  7. Anne says:

    what a brave post, such strong emotion. I hope that it brings comfort to other mum’s out there in this situation that they are not alone. You are a great mum for letting this go so smoothly and keeping your emotions in control in front of everyone. I hope it has helped you in someway to get this out, a release of sorts.
    My children were older when my husband left and they were in their early teens when they met the other woman. It still stung but not as much as it would have done if they were younger.
    Your little girl will always be ‘yours’ though and with a brave and strong Mamma like you she’ll be just fine, and I’m sure you will be too. x
    #ablogginggoodtime

  8. Laurie says:

    Your honest and insightful post has opened a lot of eyes, I am sure. You are setting a wonderful example by taking the high road for your little girl!

  9. Sassy says:

    This is a really brave post to write, and I commend you for doing so.
    As someone that has grown up with my father being in relationship after relationship I have grown to like, and even become close but no one can replace my mum, and I can promise you that the older Alyssa gets the more she’ll be proud to announce that you are her mummy if and when strangers assume something else. Big hugs lovely Xxx

  10. I went through this about 12 years ago and it is hard. To offer some encouragement to you, as time went on, it did get easier and we did develop somewhat of a friendship after a few years, It was a friendship based on the mutual love for the girls and it was a great thing for them!

    Believe me, I do know it is hard…gut wrenching actually…but you can do this! This is a cold, hard world and a child can’t have too many people to love them.

    The “new” will wear off for your daughter and she will no longer be her new “toy”. Do not let those statements of rejection go though. Explain to your daughter, in an age appropriate way, that those threats are not acceptable. But most of all, remember that this is new to your daughter as well and she is learning to have another person in her life too!

    You sound like a wonderful mom and she is blessed to have you!

  11. Fridgesays says:

    #ablogginggoodtime I was once the other woman, it’s exhausing… you have all the crap of parenting but can’t make any suggestions – it’s not your child, opinions sometimes wanted sometimes not… I wish her luck too. Step family’s are hard

  12. Karla P says:

    That would be difficult to deal with. I’m sure many people can relate.

  13. This is such an honest post. Really hit me , my youngest daddy and I haven’t been together in all her life BUT I would feel really insecure and unsettled if he had a significant relationship that my daughter then was part of. It seems like you’ve done everything the right way for your girl .
    Congratulations someone loved this post so much they added it to our #blogcrush linky

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