Please Don’t Take My Baby

I haven’t spoken a lot about how I ended up as a “Single” mummy, as it is not something to bore people with and I don’t want an excuse to rant on for ages when there is no need. However, I am a single mummy and how I came to be one was a tough road and one I have to admit I did not expect to travel. I (or I should say we) tried to make things work, but unfortunately it appears they were never going to. This does not however mean I would change anything as Alyssa has been the most precious gift I have ever received.

When we parted ways (which we did on a couple of occasions and then finally once Alyssa was born) things were said, like they are in the heat of moments, that we can’t take back; on both sides I might add, as I am by no means an angel. However, me being a worrier (and I think this may be a woman thing too) I remember. I’ve remembered every word that was said or typed meant or not. I am that kind of person. One parents evening when I was 12, a teacher told my mum I was “a little bossy” I took this really to heart and whilst I jokingly now admit to being a little that way, the thought of someone thinking that about me still eats away. So breaking apart (as I said several times) from the father on my child, left several words and phrases ingrained in the deepest depths of my brain, some of which I am sure will be there forever whether I believe them to be true or not.

When Alyssa was born and then promptly taken away from me (I spoke about this in “Alyssa’s Arrival SCBU and All) it placed a deep seed of anxiety within me, which recently reared it’s ugly head again and will I am sure always be a worry and that was that somehow I was going to lose my baby because someone would take her away. Completely irrational, and the logical teacher within me screams in my ear to stop being so silly, but the mummy on the other side just can’t believe she’s lucky enough to get to keep this perfect little baby.

The point to all this back story about Alyssa’s arrival, the ex-Dad and my feelings is because as I said, that nasty little anxiety tree in the pit of my stomach that I had stopped watering and was slowly dying, reared it’s ugly head when I received a message telling me that soon he would want to take her out for a few hours each week. Now, you are all probably staring at the screen and thinking “that’s all?!?” But after receiving this message, the rescue remedy came out and panic set in. If he takes her out…. What if she doesn’t come back? What if something happens to her and I am not there? What if she simply wants her mummy and I am not there?

 I completely get why he wants to take her out (he currently visits her at my house twice a week) as he obviously wants to spend more time with her and bond; totally understandable and the teacher/logical side sees that. The mummy side however, is asking all those questions I previously mentioned, a thousand more whilst ringing her hands, downing rescue remedy and getting ready to throw up! I have been assured that she will return (despite things said in the heat of the moment mid-argument pre-Alyssa) and that the best place for her to be is with her mummy but there is a tiny whisper trying to creep from my lips that just wants to say “Please don’t take my baby!” This goes back, some believe and I agree, to when she was taken at birth and I wasn’t allowed to see and then hold her; it has to be said that post-traumatic stress is a bit of a f**ker! It’s taken what once was a relatively level headed (complete ditz and slightly emotional at times) person and given her moments of occasional illogical madness.

 So how do I get past this? Do you know what, at the moment I am not sure. At times the ex-Dad and I are amicable and sometimes we are not (often depending on our moods but nice as pie when bubba is around) which probably contributes to my concerns and worries over the situation. To be honest, and this is not something I am proud to admit, but I almost feel like the child in the corner of the nursery with all the toys in the room in my arms telling all the other boys and girls “No, I don’t want to share!” That of course is not right, because the more she is shared the more she will be loved and the ex-Dad deserves to know how amazing our daughter is too.

At some point, in the not so distant future, I am going to have to pack Alyssa’s changing bag, put her coat on and hand her over so she can go out and spend, what I am sure will be a fun few hours with her daddy. I have no doubt that I will be sat at home worrying, or even shedding a tear the first or even the second time but eventually I will learn to trust and probably use the time for myself. Once again, I have perhaps been a little self-indulgent in writing this post, but am aware of so many single parents out there that I am sure quite often over-exaggerate worries and fears. Well, you aren’t alone, I feel them too and my biggest one of all is simply

“Please, don’t take my baby.”