I need to apologise or at least feel like I need to apologise. This is the first personal for me post I have written in a really, really long time. Some of you may possibly have noticed, most of you probably haven’t. Some may have wondered where I am and others may have thought I was giving up or was simply up at my allotment. Some, if not all of that is in some way true. However, to be honest I have been struggling. If you look at my social media, you probably wouldn’t have guessed because I have been extremely guilty of posting things that make it seem like for the most part, things are just peachy and tickety boo. But they haven’t been. I mean, it is nothing catastrophic at all. But, I have been struggling.
I sat down today and had a conversation with a friend and realised how mentally stuck I have been in what to say and what to write. I got very caught up in letting people think I was okay and trying to help with suggestions for others when not really looking at what I could do for myself. I haven’t written a single “me” post since lockdown began. Why? Where am I?
For 13 weeks now I have attempted to be, full time self-employed worker, school teacher, mum, cook, cleaner, gardener and a whole heap of other things. I know I am not alone and that the majority of people have been in the exact same boat. I love every single one of the roles that I play (maybe not so much the cleaner but I get joy out of things being clean!) and would never want to give any of them up. However, somethings, namely Alyssa, have had to take priority, in which case other things, like my blog have suffered the consequences.
I woke up this morning, once again feeling like an impostor in regards to my blog. It is nothing special. why would people want to read it. Do people even read it? Do people even bother coming here anymore? Why did they even bother in the first place?
It feels like I have been sat in front of a blank screen for 3/4 months with the cursor simply blinking and taunting me. Trying to coax me into writing something, but I haven’t felt like I could write about anything. My lovely friend pointed out that instead of writing about things I feel I cannot write about, focus on the things you can.
This post was not one of those things, but when doing some admin work, these thoughts were all swirling around and so I opened a blank post document and then this all came spewing out.
There is no point to this post other than to just get it all out. Explain a bit about what has been going on. I am okay but not okay if you see what I mean. I feel a lot of pressure at the moment. I have chosen to keep Alyssa home (but that is a post for another day,) I miss my family and want to be able to go and see them, but am equally grateful for the lovely people that I am quarantined with who make things better.
It feels really cathartic to have gotten this out and hopefully it has unblocked and unclogged my ability to be able to speak as I always have done. So, how are you doing?