I’m not going to lie to you, this is not going to be a happy-go-lucky, feel good post because honestly I have been struggling of late. No one would necessarily know or even realise, because I won’t have said anything and I’ll have kept pootling along. However, I am tired. Really really tired and it’s not just because my little one has issues sleeping. It’s because things have felt like they are snowballing and not in a good way. So much seems out of my control and add in that saying “…it doesn’t rain, it pours” and you’ve pretty much summed up how it feels at the moment…
I’d apologise for having a whinge but then it’s my blog and I guess that is what it’s for when I want it to be – I promise I won’t whinge too often. I just feel the need to get down all of my problems, do my usual word vomit and feel a little lighter for it.
A huge problem at the moment is Alyssa and her health. With the arrival of last winter and the colder weather, we discovered she had over-sized tonsils and adenoids which basically cause her a permanent infection and also effect her sleep, so much so it wakes her up anywhere from once to goodness knows how many times a night and obviously it is all on me to make sure she is okay and soother her back to sleep and I have to say I don’t think I’ve always done this in the most gracious of ways (read my post all about being Angry Mama.)
Well, it has taken until this week, six months down the line, for us to take the first step which was of course to visit the consultant. Now, I am not saying he was bad… infact the children’s centre and our nurse Bernie were incredible. However, I felt rushed. We were literally in there for a total of about 9 minutes and when I tried to speak, I was told it wasn’t something I needed to worry about. He was just reading her notes, he wasn’t listening to me. Her mother. The person who surely knows her and her medical history best. It made no difference – we are now on a moving path with this, but I fear we are on the wrong one and even if we are in fact on the right one, we have had several extra steps added. It is not fair on her really – this is no quality of life to be ill every other week and as I have said, from a completely selfish point of view, I’m tired.
This is just one in a long list of things. I worry about how it has gone so quiet for freelancers, bloggers like me, and it scares me that perhaps my time is up and I’m no longer wanted. Or perhaps I have done something wrong and people no longer wish to work with me. Or perhaps I was a fad that has passed and now no one wishes to read what I have to say anymore. Will I be able to continue blogging? I think I am currently sitting in a very saturated market which is a little unfair as a lot of those that are saturating it are in fact doing it on a whim and they’ll get bored and move on but won’t consider the consequences of what they have done. Worries of money will always make you tired.
Of course I am also mid-diet which also makes me cranky and I feel as if I will always be on a diet which is upsetting because I just simply want to be happy with the way I look as opposed to the current disgust and disappointment I feel when I look in the mirror each time. Part of the reason I am dieting as well is because I am lonely and really don’t believe any partner would want me looking like this as my general status of single throughout my life proves.
It didn’t help of course that the inevitable happened last week and I finally caught one of Alyssa’s bouts of illness which really knocked me for six but it is very different being ill when you’re a mum. You still have to do all your mum duties – no lying under a blanket with lots of treats (bloody diet!!!) and waiting to feel better.
Then finally to add insult to injury my site was hacked and is STILL being fixed because it would seem my hosts are actually beyond useless and more intent on getting more money out of me than fixing it.
Wow that really was a self-indulgent little whinge wasn’t it?! There is absolutely no point to this post really, other than to talk through what’s making me feel fed up and why do I botherish and wonder what I can do about it. I suppose talking about it is infact the most therapeutic step to begin with and find solutions or accepting circumstances for what they are. Apart from dieting or quitting blogging, none of the circumstances above are within my control, so I basically have to pull my big girl pants on (rather large in fact) and just get on with it. Normally I’d comfort myself with cheese or chocolate and in times past with continual puffs of a cigarette but I have none of those luxuries now. So I need to carry on, without a crux and just keeping trying to take a step forward each time.