A few weeks ago now I made my return to blogging and I did it with my poem “Can We Go Back?“. I was overwhelmed with the wonderful heartfelt comments that so many of you made – offering your support guidance and well wishes. The other thing you all offered was curiosity and confusion with a bit of speculation thrown in for good measure. What did it all mean? What had been happening? Well, you all know me well enough by now to know that at some point I would be sharing with you and that point is now….
Before I bring you into the present I need to take you back… October 2014 and I am sharing a house with my now ex-best mate (you can read all about that in Betrayal & Bullying: What the Hell Happened to Friendship??!”) and her two little girls and both being single we were both signed up to dating websites including Plenty of Fish. A ding on my phone let me know I had a new message and before you know it we were chatting away and eventually moved over to Whats App. Just over a week of texting and flirty conversation later, I found myself spritzing on perfume, stepping into heels and heading out the door on yet another hopeful first date. He greeted me by the fountain and kissed me on the lips in an effort to calm my nerves and we went on to have one of the most hilarious first dates I have ever had, including accidentally ending up in a random quiz night in the bar/restaurant we had chosen to meet in. A passionate kiss at the car and I went home smiling to tell my house mate all about it. Three days later we were on our second date and a few days after that the next and before I knew it I was head over heels and totally swept away in a dizzying and passionate relationship – something I had never had before.
You might think it sounds perfect and I can honestly say it was… a true honeymoon period. We both wanted the same thing and it looked like we found it. Then, it all came crashing down. I worked 3 jobs to make ends meet – 1 I did for free in order to pay rent for where I was living, the other was my main job which was seasonal as Head of International Studies for a College and then I took on a couple of shifts a week working at a bar. I was going to his 3 nights a week which meant a total of 150 miles a week and was doing all I could to be with him. But it wasn’t enough and he told me so… he didn’t think he was a priority and thought my best friend and her children were more important to me. I wasn’t about to drop my best friend and the children that were like my own but I tried to tell him how much effort I was making to ensure he was a priority. When I wasn’t with him in the evenings I was working… but the damage was done. His words had knocked the relationship, in my eyes, from it’s pedestal and there was no turning back.
Over the next week or two the relationship got worse and worse and more and more tense. I went from dreaming of weddings to just wanting to get away – it had totally changed. Then in one evening, when I couldn’t carry on any longer it ended. Not in a nice way. We both said things, things said in the heat of the moment and then that’s it in what seemed like hours but was in fact minutes it was over. Two weeks before Christmas. The next day I found out I was pregnant. The following that I was being made redundant from my main job. Two weeks into the New Year I also lost my best friend and found myself pregnant and what felt very alone back at my mum’s house; the only place I knew I could find the comfort that I needed.
He did come back… just before I was 20 weeks pregnant and we did try again. But days after the birth of our daughter it wasn’t to be and we split again. We didn’t see each other for weeks after that… he came to my home and enjoyed our daughter when he wanted but I stayed out of the way and claimed the space I so desperately needed in order to go forward like we needed to do. It took time and a few more cross words but we got there. We got there and were able to communicate and share our daughters infectious personality and enjoy the milestones she hits on a weekly basis.
Then it began to happen… like it did that very first time. We started to banter back and forth, spending more time together than was needed, going out together as a family and flirting almost shamelessly at times. It came to a head one Sunday evening not long ago and during that blogging break… our daughter had gone to sleep and you had stayed for dinner. Suddenly his hand was behind my neck pulling me in and my lips were on his and all the pent up passion that had been held in since our first meeting all that time ago went into those minutes of kissing… then he ran away. He wanted to be single and alone and he didn’t want anything more from me… then a week later, on our own again with our daughter between us, our lips met again and again he ran and the tears began to flow.
I had let my heart get caught up in it’s desperate desire for a happy ever after, but it’s not meant to be. We have so much passion between us but that can be both good and bad and he is focusing on him and it is time that I focused on me and my beautiful daughter. Don’t panic, we are fine, I am fine. We have not argued and I have not even taken time away, I have just distanced myself and let him spend his time with our daughter rather than with me too. I am still here but I have taken time for me…
This is by no means a bad or even sad story… it is just one of those things. Do I wish we could go back? Yes, sometimes I do because I think passion between two people exists for a reason but we were the wrong place and the wrong time… except we weren’t were we? If I hadn’t met him I wouldn’t be here, wittering on to all of you because I would never have had my gorgeous baby girl. So for that, to Alyssa’s daddy, I say thank you for the greatest gift I will ever receive. As for me, at the moment my heart is with my little girl, but at some point perhaps in the not so distant future, I will put myself out there once again and go looking for that happily ever after that I know is waiting somewhere for me….