To Date or Not to Date… That is the Question?!?

It starts days before and gradually gets worse and worse. Knots in my stomach, sweaty palms, a sick feeling in the back of my throat, butterflies, the desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol (which is both not a good idea and impossible when driving) and in previous years a desire to chain smoke right up to the actual moment (a habit pregnancy helped me finally kick once and for all!) Needless to say, I never enjoyed dating much. It was fine once you got past the initial first few where you are still trying to find your comfortable place with said new person but before that…. horrendous!!

I have tried it all; blind dates, nights out and of course the dreaded internet dating (where I in fact met the Ex-Dad) and I am not sure any of them really worked (well obviously not as I am still single!!) but I don’t think any of them had what I actually needed or wanted – love, marriage (babies used to be on that list but I do in fact have my gorgeous little bubba now however unplanned she was!!) Dating used to be so much easier; you went out with friends, you met someone you liked and you started talking and then a date followed. Nowadays (god that makes me sound old!!!) you’re more likely to get a tongue down your throat, a hand attempting to make its way up your skirt and asked “Why won’t you come back to mine? I’ll show you the time of your life?! You frigid or something?!” Telephone numbers are rarely exchanged anymore… everyone is just out for what they can get or that’s how it seems.

 So why, oh why, would I want to put myself back out there?! And if I do, what route should I take? From what I remember with Internet dating, unless you put a semi-naked picture of yourself as your profile picture, you barely got any response anyway and then when you did, most guys went racing through conversation to get to the point where they thought it was “okay” to send you their best cock-shot!! I mean come on, they aren’t pretty, they look weird and whether it’s a decent size or not I am not really interested in seeing it thank you very much!! (Not that women’s bits are any prettier I might add!) I really do not fancy hitting the club/pub scene again and think it is so much harder to meet someone that way now anyway!!

Something I have never tried before is speed dating?! But how much can you learn about someone in 3 minutes?!?! I suppose enough to learn if you want to know more, but I just think that if I left the evening with no one interested in me I would just feel crushed. Has anyone seen that television show First Dates?! I was even briefly tempted to apply for that and then thought… hmm I get nervous enough without humiliating myself for the entire world to see so maybe not but it is that kind of idea for dating that appeals to me!

Of course, there is the other issue I face if I do start to date again… mummy guilt! I know that I need my own space and time occassionally but how, oh how do I get past feelings such as “But if I am out with them, I am not with her… and I should be with her!” Or, if a date goes badly, things such as “I have just wasted 2 hours when I could have been with my daughter!” However, what if it goes well, then you get things like “But is he good enough for her?!” Obviously, it would take a long time before I would even consider introducing someone to my daughter, but first of all I need to get over the guilt I feel about the time it will take to actually meet someone! It makes me wonder if guys, like the Ex-Dad, feel the same way. I know that he started dating someone new within a month of us seperating and whilst he has not asked to introduce her to our daughter, which I appreciate, I wonder if he experiences any of the same guilt?!

So what do I do? Do i bite the bullet and dip my toe into the dating pool again?! If I do, am I prepared to face the hurt that could come with it?! Is my want, desire and need for love, support, friendship and laughter bigger than my worry, conern and guilt over what could happen?! I don’t know. Maybe it will be different this time… I think my priorities and what I am looking for have changed and maybe, just maybe that will change the outcome to a much brighter one. I have wanted to get married for as long as I can remember and years ago thought I had found “the one” but I think, as I said, my priorities have changed. A friend, a supporter, a comedian, a lover would be more welcome now than any false proposal that will merely end in divorce in a few years. Yes, marriage eventually would be amazing but I don’t think it’s as high up on my list as it once was.

 So what do I do? Do I take a big breath, close my eyes and leap? Do I slowly inch my toes out from the sand and into the breaking waves? Or do I pull that duvet cover back over my head for a little while longer?