#ABloggingGoodTime Week 104
4th October 2018
But What About Childcare?
5th October 2018
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It was all going so well. I suppose it didn’t really go wrong… it just kind of crash landed. It was only seven weeks long but it was the happiest I had been in 4 years. I was finally me again. Not just Mama or Mummy in a Tutu. I was Katie. A woman (I don’t think I can get away with saying girl anymore really) holding hands with a man. Getting to know him, getting to know myself again and getting to know us. It wasn’t perfect – nothing is, but I liked him. I really really liked him. Then life got in the way. I don’t think he understood or was expecting the amount of time that motherhood or my job for that matter takes up and unfortunately what I had left just wasn’t enough.

a black and white photo of a couple kissing

It wasn’t really anyone’s fault I suppose and it came out of nowhere. One minute we were hand in hand, falling in love and happy and the next we weren’t. In all honesty a small amount of relief flooded through me when one of the many sand bags that hangs around my next a woman in a dark jacket leaning against a wall surrounded by shadowsrepresenting the pressures I feel in life was snipped off and then sadness.

Sadness for everything we wouldn’t share and that it had ended without any real warning. As someone who has unfortunately had more than her fair share of heartbreak I recognised this sad feeling. It was all too familiar and not something I was happy to be feeling again. What I wasn’t prepared for, what I had forgotten after 4 years of being single, was how used to having someone to message I had gotten. We had slipped quite naturally into messaging each other good morning, messaging on lunch breaks, popping each other a message if something happened, talking on the phone and saying goodnight. Then silence.girl woman crying at a window with rain on it and hand on window

I sat staring at my phone. Then every minute or so I’d press the button to see if I had any notifications and nothing. Well, not nothing. There was my usual constant, demanding stream of work notifications and messages from lovely friends to check I was okay, commiserate and offer virtual hugs or reality gin. I did attempt a night of unloading at my lovely friends house but two gins and 1.5 hours in, I had to dash home as my little one was ill and there lay the reality.

This was why I was single, because no matter what I am doing be it alone or with someone else, if that phone were to ring and it was for Alyssa,  I would drop everything and go and that is how it should be. I am her mother, her primary care giver and her main source of comfort and she mine. My wonderful friend as a single mummy herself understood and I expect if we had been dating he would have too. He’d have been upset and frustrated but he would have understood.

woman looking out at the sea. facing away from the camera

I wish things could have been different. He was honestly a welcome breath of fresh air. It was as if someone had opened the windows and let in a breeze after 4 years of having them shut tight and the blinds pulled down. However, sometimes liking each other simply isn’t enough, you need to be able to give more and I just didn’t have anything more I could give. The worst part of it all is the deafening silence that still a fortnight on if I stop for a moment comes crashing down around me. It’s getting better, as am I but it will always feel a little bit sad.

10 Comments

  1. A tough one … you open your heart but you also open your heart to impossible disappointment. On balance — if there is such a thing — iI believe it is better to be open to such things, even if the risk is there. Good luck #ABloggingGoodTime

  2. Jo says:

    This is such a sad post. I’m sure he was a nice guy. But he has to accept every part of you (or at least try to accept) to deserve to stay in your life. And that does include being a mother. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out. #ablogginggoodtime

  3. Sorry that it ended, it must be so difficult parenting on your own. Hopefully you’ll find someone who will understand x #ablogginggoodtime

  4. I am sitting here trying to figure out what to say. I am having a hard time because I know that nothing said will really help, I have nothing to offer you except to say that I am sorry that you are hurting.

    I also want to congratulate you on being an amazing mother! There are women out there that would have chosen not to be alone over being a mom. You made the hard choice and you should be really proud of that.

    #ablogginggoodtime

  5. fridgesays says:

    #ablogginggoodtime you opened the door, thats the brave bit and sometimes all we need is a gush of fresh air. Try a different door when you least expect it – they often disguise themselves. If it doesn’t open – like the quote says, then its not your door. Sounds like this one would have become sticky very quickly.

  6. I hope you find your new normal! #blogcrush

  7. sorry to hear this Katie. I keep my personal life out of the blog for the most part, but I went through something similar at the beginning of this year. Thought things were going great, then poof, gone. I think that its just too much for some people to understand that they will always come second to our children but also think that there are people out there that will appreciate that. Its finding them thats the rub, though, isn’t it? #blogginggoodtime

  8. So sorry you are hurting. Things happen for a reason so try to stay focused and look to the future.

  9. Helena says:

    A friend of mine has a son and it’s not easy for him to get a girlfriend either. I think it’s hard for someone who hasn’t experienced having children to fit in with someone who does, There are some fantastic gems out there though. I hope there’s someone for him and someone for you too and/or that you are just happy. x #AbloggingGoodTime

  10. I am so sad to hear this for you hun, our babies do come first and unfortunately some won’t understand, I hope the next guy does!!!! Sending a big huge hug from Aus xx

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