My Heart is For Sale… I Don’t Want It Anymore!

It doesn’t matter whether something is healthy for us or not, we quite often dive in head first and think about the consequences later. This can be said for food, work and relationships. Something can seem so magical and appealing that all our common sense goes out of the

window and we become something that resembles our former more level-headed selves.

Since I was a little girl, I have loved Disney movies… or I should say any movies that involve a boy meeting a girl and eventually living happily ever after. Why? Because it is what I have always been searching for… my own happily ever after. I have dreamt of a man telling me he loves me so much that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and for a ring to suddenly appear on my finger. Although we will have tough times and disagreements I’m sure, it won’t matter because at the end of the day love will win.

It is only now, that I have come to realise this is complete and utter bullshit! I don’t know if it is just me or if I have a lot of Karma owed for something I have no recollection of but it is time I got my head out of the clouds and to do that I need to get rid of my heart because it just hurts too much.

I feel like such a fool and such an idiot. The man from my past, the man I consider the soulmate I lost and I have always stayed in touch more or less, but recently it began to become more frequent. I would happen to glance at my phone and see a message there waiting. Something simple like “Hey Princess, how are you?!” Or some stupid quote from ‘FRIENDS’ would appear on my Facebook that would instantly require retaliation. However, the conversations began to change and became much more private and

we began to talk about the past. Everything we had shared together and everything we had missed out on. Things we wish we had done together and things we wish we hadn’t. Stupidly, oh so stupidly, a part of my heart began to unfreeze and in it’s place a small light began to glow.

It all culminated in one five hour long conversation… I knew I still loved him. He is like my drug of choice and no matter how ridiculously stupid, I always go back for more. We spent a large portion of one day talking, reminiscing and then came things like “If we had 24 hours together what would we do?” All the

fantasies and “what ifs” came rolling out from both of us and I got completely swept away by them. Then I had to ask… “Why did you walk away? Why did you not come back?!” There was no real answer for this, we were both to blame in different ways and now we were stuck. I am in England with my beautiful baby girl surrounded by family I could not be without. He is in New Zealand with a baby, a house…. and a fiance!

Then came the words that not only fanned the light but set my whole heart aglow…. “I do love you. I always have. I’m stuck between truthful vs. faithful!” My heart raced and began to pound, what did this mean? What was he saying? And then nothing…. complete and utter silence.

 

Hours passed and I had no idea what was going on. I thought perhaps he was sleeping what with the time difference… but how could he have just disappeared with the comment he had just made?

Then came a message and it was instantly clear that the man who had only hours ago said he loved me had once again gone. In his place was a cold and distant shell. I watched as the words, which took ages to come, appeared on the screen… “I said I had loved you. Not like that anymore. I am happy where I am. It was a silly conversation.” I couldn’t read anymore as the tears filled my eyes and slowly trickled down my cheeks. I couldn’t breathe… Was this really happening again? Why? How could I have let this happen again? The sobs started racking through my chest and I turned to my mum who had appeared at my side and just sobbed in her arms. All the pain and hurt that had built up inside

me throughout the day just came pouring out of me and I couldn’t hold it back anymore. So, so much hurt…

I know what some of you will be thinking; she brought it on herself, it was never going to end any other way, he has a fiance! You’re right, totally and completely right. But haven’t you ever had someone who gave you butterflies in your stomach? Made your skin tingle at their touch? Said everything you had been waiting to hear from someone your entire life? That is who he is… that is how he makes me feel and once again I had let him in and once again I was left sobbing without him and because of him. I even went back and reread the conversation to check I had not been imagining the words I thought I had heard… I hadn’t. Silly silly girl.

Throughout this whole experience, I had shared updates of what had been happening with my beautiful and caring tribal friends, who throughout the day were messaging to check how I was.

The general opinion was that I was being played with and that the sensible thing to do would be to block and cut all contact with him… for good. Be done with it. But how? How can I do this when he makes me feel all those things and as I said is like a drug I just keep having to go back for again and again? I should because once again by loving him with every fiber of my being, I feel as though I have been left as an empty shell. I have cried everything out and now I am simply hollow. All I ever wanted, was what most little girls wanted, to find someone I loved and who loved me in return, and live our own version of happily ever after. I don’t think I want this anymore. I don’t want to feel this way again. I don’t want to feel as though my body is aching and empty and to feel sobs racking through it. I genuinely am

no longer sure it is worth the pain. Rest assured I will not be making the same mistake again – I can’t. No one should use such a pure and honest emotion such as love to bring someone so much sadness.

I will now spend a few days as a shell, not because I want to but because it is how my heart works. Then slowly, something will click into place and I will begin to smile at things again. To my friends and to my mum I thank you so much for the comfort, the hugs and the wiping away of so many tears.

To you, and you know who you are…. never again. I am done.