I had an interesting conversation the other day with someone close and we somehow ended up on the topic of ourselves… putting ourselves out there. I made a rather bold statement and quickly retreated losing confidence in my words and ability to carry out said statement. However, it was my words that shocked them the most “And now, I shall beat a hasty retreat for fear of rejection.” They were quick to inform me that I worry too much about too much which I know to be true and is a rather annoying character flaw. They were quite shocked because, as others before them have thought, I come across as quite a happy, outgoing and confident person… however inside I am a panicked mess worrying about every little detail down to how my hair looks, am I saying the right thing and will I once again face rejection from whomever this person standing in front of me is?
It’s amazing how much a smile can hide isn’t it? People would never guess – especially as I have been performing since a young age and once to over 2000 people at one time – but it’s different. That isn’t me on display but everyday life… holy moly?! I informed my shocked friend that if I worry about stuff and prepare for hurt and rejection then it will never hurt quite as much as being unprepared for disappointment… I was told I should have a more positive outlook on life and not worry so much about what other people think. But, how do you DO that?!
I have always worried about what people think and I believe it stems back to my school days. I was bullied several times for being a geek, a goody too shoes, fat… you name it apparently I did whatever it was that meant you got bullied for it. Basically, I was a sitting duck and an easy target. Now, whilst we are not at school anymore (thank God!!) the experiences that happened there are what have shaped us and have made us who we are today! So how do you undo 16 years of “social education” a further 10 years on? Is it even possible?!
I know what some of you might be sat there thinking – well if you’re unhappy with yourself then change! Okay, you have no idea how many diets I have been on and yes they do work – currently they won’t! I have recently been diagnosed with a post-natal thyroid problem which is not only affecting my weight but also my sleep and mood and until my medication has been worked out nothing on this front will change… and yes it is life long. So, I guess that means I need to change my mind set…. but how?
I mean to say, I can’t be the only one can I? I cannot be the only one who fears making a move in either their personal or professional life in case of rejection? I think these past few months, professionally I have been rather brave. I packed in my steady paying job and dived in head first and went freelance in order to be able to be a WAHM – this still scares me now but it is exhilarating and the blogging and writing community have been so gracious in welcoming me with open arms.
Personal… Okay, here is where I may have hit a bit of a stumbling block. I have quite possibly turned into a bit of an Ostrich the past few months and had my head buried in the sand. Let me tell you… I installed a dating app on my phone. Exciting right?! WRONG! I had it on for 24 hours before deleting it and retreating back to my sand pit… it was like a meat market! I might as well have posted a picture of myself naked wriggling from a hook (sorry for the mental image) and said “WOMAN, 30S, A BIT FLABBY ROUND THE EDGES, PLENTY OF MEAT TO GRAB ON TO, DOESNT TAKE A LOT OF TLC, WHO WANTS HER FOR A FIVER?” Okay, I may be exaggerating slightly… but they were definitely only after one thing… and it wasn’t my winning personality.
However, I then stop and question… do I need someone else to love me in order to love myself? Rather sadly, as a matter of fact, I think I do. How awful to admit – don’t get me wrong I am not unhappy and when it comes to my daughter I have nothing but reams and reams of positivity and I can see it shining out of her whenever I take a peek. However, for me, I seem to have hit an all time low on the old confidence scale when it comes to myself and almost feel as if I need affirmation from friends, family, potential partners (the list is endless for this…honest) that I am in fact not that geeky girl from school with too few friends and an incredible knack for being bullied and that I am in fact a worthwhile grown up and someone people enjoy being around – is that awfully sad? Potentially yes, but this is something I am finally admitting which perhaps is the first step to changing – maybe?
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61 Comments
I think it’s rather challenging to love yourself. I know I find difficulty with it myself, so can’t really advise. I can understand deleting the dating apps and running for the hills. They really do seem like a meat market. I was on one or two briefly when single. I even got abuse from some of the men I rejected. #TribalLove
Oh bless you. Yes i think best kept away from lol x
Oh Katie, it is difficult. I think almost everyone lacks confidence in one way or another. I certainly don’t have any answers for you, other than to try and be happy and go for what you want in life, which you are doing. #tribe
Thanks lovely. I think that is wonderful advice xx
Ah chick I wrote the opposite of this post the other day. Learning to love yourself is so hard. As women we spend so much time trying to be something we aren’t’. Wearing the right shoes, the right clothes, right makeup. Being seen with the right people. Striving to be ‘cool’ Well I have given it all up! I am embracing the uncool and learning to love me. It’s hard. Like you I can tie myself in knots and have an outlook on life similar to eeyore! Wish me luck in my new uncool journey and I hope you find what gives you confidence (for me it’s Bananarama) #triballove
Haha an awesome comment if somewhat random in places… at least i know the source of your powers now! Ill find mu right shoes soon xx
Oh my love. This is such an honest post and so endearing. You are amazing and I think you need to take a look at all the things you do and achieve and give yourself a huge round of applause! As you say, you have been so confident and bold professionally and it is paying off. The meat market – LOL!!
It’s interesting what you say about needing other people’s approval to love yourself – I think there’s something in that but not in the way you mean. I think I have been fairly confident for a while and I believe that comes from my family – having such a close, big family who support you through anything but will also tell you when you’re a twat is amazing. I think that’s why I am quite accepting of the person I am as they help me focus on and love the best parts of myself and to move past the crap bits! I do think it’s something you can learn in time and I know my mother and lots of older women say they get more and more confident the older they get. Try and remember that you are fabulous darling, and ‘faking it until you make it’ is a failsafe strategy! SORRY for the waffley comment! #BloggerClubUK
Awww thanks lovely. Not waffley at all loo. Very sweet x
Oh no Katie, this made me want to give you a big hug. You don’t need anyone or their approval. I think you should take this time to focus on yourself and to realise what you have achieved! So much! All through your own hard work. I think you need to be kinder to yourself. I agree about dating apps though. They are scary! I have had friends that are on them and the things they told me. I really think that as soon as you stop looking, then that is when you find it. In the meantime be kinder to yourself 🙂 xxx ps sorry for the waffle mcwaffle ps this new site is super fab!
Haha awww thanks sweet thats lovely. Not waffley at all. Yes for sure focusing on myself and bubba x
You should love yourself because you are amazing and you do not need other people’s permission or approval for that. You say you prepare yourself for the worse and to be hurt and that way it won’t hurt as much when things go wrong but i think you should really try to be more optimistic because if you always prepare for the worse you never fully enjoy all the amazing things that are going on in your life. X #triballove
Thanks my lovely. I am working on changing my mindset xx
This is a brilliant post. And no! You do not need love from another person to make yourself whole. Actually I believe loving yourself is the most important thing. Only when I started ignoring others, bad people and focusing on being me, did I fall in love. I think when we love outselves we give off positive energy #bloggersclubuk
P.S I’ve got an ‘8 ways to love yourself’ post you might like xxx
Thanks so much for your comment and for tweeting me the link to your post. I will def head over and have a read. Good advice lovely xx
Oh lovely – I’m so sorry you feel like this – you are right, when we met I would have had no idea you would worry. But so much of this I relate to, I too worry what people think of me and whether they like me or not. I even often worry when I post on my blog in case someone disagrees with me, crazy. My other half always tells me not to give a damn what anyone thinks and how liberating it will be! I find it hard too, but one of the things that helps me is to remember all the things I have achieved, and think positive thoughts. You are amazing and should be so proud of everything you have achieved in the last 6 months – it’s incredible and you are such an inspiration! You are also a very kind and generous person and have always been so supportive of me. Lots of love xxx
Just popping back from #ablogginggoodtime Thanks for hosting lovely lady, you’re amazing! Xxx
Oh Katie!!!! You are a smart, independent, beautiful, funny lady who is fabulous at being socialable. It is heartbreaking to hear about the negative impact immature behaviour from cowards can have such a lifelong affect as you were and are much better than they ever were. You have been so brave – having a baby as a single mum, continuing with minimal support despite being ill and having sleep that I couldn’t survive on and on top of all that you have started a successful new business and a tribe. You are incredible! You just don’t see what others see; you see what you think that those awful bullies saw all thise years ago when they were wrong anyway. You need to stop internalising your fears and start to accept the wonderfulness that we all see and know you to be! If you were someone else what would you think about that person? Respect, admiration, awe. I appreciate this isn’t going to be easy but you can do it and we are here to support you. If not for you then do it for A. Sometimes that can make it easier xxxxxx
Thank you lovely friend you have made me quite emotional with your comment. I don’t know what else is to say other than thank you xx
Katie My lovely friend. who knows where confidence comes from whether it be nature, nurture or pure bloody mindedness. Sometimes life kicks us in the arse and it’s hard to pick Ourselves back up again. But I do believe that positivity can help lift mood. Try mindfulness. But most of all just be kind to yourself! Big love ❤️
Its people and friends like you that make mindfulness possible xx
Katie, I love how you are always so honest in your posts and tell it like it is. I have no advice to give with regards to learning to love yourself – for me it came with time and gradually becoming happy with the person I am. Blogging has also helped me become much more confident. I was also bullied at school and then later by my ex-fiancé and it took a lot of time (and counselling) for me to process my demons. Thankfully most of them are laid to rest now though. Wishing you all the best of luck with learning to love yourself – you always come across as such a lovely warm person and you deserve to be happy. #ablogginggoodtime
Oh honey that is such a lovely thing to say. Having met you at BML you seem so wonderfully confident and comfortable in your own skin. Def something to aim for xx
So difficult to love yourself sometimes, but I reckon it gets better with age. I am way better on my skin than my teenage self…
May I say? Don’t be scared to love yourself chérie?! I don’t know you personally but you seem to be AWESOME!!!!
#ablogginggoodtime
Merci frenchie. You are also awesome. Thank you x
Back for #ablogginggoodtime – promise not to be so random this time ? Think I had a sleep deprived word splurge last time ? X
Ha ha ha thanks… but we all love a good word splurge which FYI sounds much better than my word vom! x
Lovely honest post. I would say that yes I do love myself but it has been a journey! Something I knew I needed to work on and took a few years to achieve.
I think its great that you got there. well done x
I don’t tend to struggle too much with this though I think we all have our moments! I’m sure ‘blogging therapy’ helps and getting how you feel down on paper rather than bottling it up must help? At the end of the day ‘love is blind’ so try not to focus on your size (other than for health reasons) and remind yourself of at least one of your amazing attributes or past achievements everyday. Remember, you are fan-bloody-tactic!! xx #ablogginggoodtime
Thank you very much… what a lovely comment x
I think everyone reading this will relate to you in some way. Growing up, I was abused by family so when it came to school, I never let anyone bully me. Outwardly, I embraced the fact that I was different from my peers. I was brought up on the mentality, “Never let them see you sweat, or cry” so I made sure people saw my tough exterior. Inside was a different story. While I didn’t care what other kids thought, I cared very much what the adults in my life thought. They didn’t think very highly of me and that made a huge impact on my self-esteem.
I hated myself. For a LONG TIME! It wasn’t until about 4 years ago that I finally started loving myself and the only way I did that was by accepting myself first. I had to accept that my childhood was shitty but that didn’t make me a bad person. I had to keep reminding myself of that. It took a lot of deep soul-searching and looking at my own kids. I let my kids be who they were born to be. I love and accept them the way they are. So why couldn’t I accept myself? That’s the question I asked myself a lot.
I also tried to look at myself through my children’s eyes and to them, I am the greatest mother on the planet. Don’t they all think that? LOL! They do and for very good reason – because to them, you are perfect! They love you unconditionally and accept you just the way you are. I still have my moments of doubt and when that happens, I’m pretty hard on myself but then I remember how far I’ve come since childhood and all the battles I had to fight to get where I am today and to be the person I am today. That’s no easy thing to do. Being in my late 30’s now, I have a new perspective on life.
Embrace who you are and remember all the battles you’ve had to fight and are still fighting with your health. You are a warrior in your own right and that’s always awesome!
P.S: I’m a vampire nerd, sci-fi nerd, gaming nerd, music nerd, LOL! We are all nerds in our own way! Embrace your inner nerd and she will set you free:)
P.S.S: I hate dating! They do all seem to only want one thing and I am way past that stage in my life. I want quality baby! Don’t settle for less than you deserve. Those dating sites and apps suck!
I hope this helps you:)
Thank you so much for sharing part of yourself with me. You are a very strong and brave soul and I completely appreciate your words. Thank you xx
It is so hard Katie! I have struggled with this my whole life. I’m pretty sure my husband thinks I’m crazy but I’ve always been really self-conscious. Especially when I was younger because I also got bullied. And now sometimes I still feel like aim in high school while at work. I’m the youngest there and seem to get picked on a lot. So I understand how you feel and hope it gets better for all of us. Maybe we will become wiser as we get older. #TribalLove
Oh bless you sweetheart. I ended up leaving my last job because of that and I am so much happier professionally because of it! I am always here if you need to talk xx
#triballove
I think it’s extremely hard to learn to love yourself. I’m one of those kind of people that doesn’t even ask questions if I don’t think I will like the answer haha! I tend to only put myself out there once I’ve convinced myself that I don’t mind the rejection!
Lucy xx #triballove
Rest assured that you are definitely NOT the only one who feels this way sometimes! I often feel like I suffer from a lack of confidence, particularly when it comes to my professional life/writing. I’m hugely shy about it and have never submitted to the Huff Post or other big sites out of fear of rejection. I know I need to get over my insecurities – and so do you! Because you’re awesome.
It’s great that you’re so aware of how you’re feeling and feel comfortable sharing it with the world – it shows that you’re ready and willing to start loving yourself a bit more. Big hugs! #ablogginggoodtime
What a lovely message thank you sweet. You’re awesome as is your writing and you need to get it out there… hit that submit button xx
It is absolutely in no way sad to seek affirmation from people. This is a human need that everyone has, whether you are confident or shy and regardless of how high your self esteem is. I really do believe that self esteem is built in childhood and if it isn’t built up when you are young, for whatever reason (and reasons can be many and complex) then as an adult a person will struggle. My partner was bullied at school and his self esteem has suffered and he will, I suspect, always suffer from low self esteem. The key is surrounding yourself with people who build it up, who make you feel good and ditch people who don’t. Literally – I mean it. In terms of a partner – people with low self esteem are sometimes drawn to people who actually undermine them. Don’t settle for anyone who makes you feel crap about yourself. Remember that you are worth it (however corny that sounds – you are!) Alison x #ablogginggoodtime
Thank you sweet. Thats why I took myself off of that site.. I know I am not a piece of meat hanging in a factory and that I am worth so much more xx
The best bit of advice anyone ever gave me was be kind to yourself. Kind with your thoughts. Made a big difference to me. #ablogginggooodtime
That’s a good bit of advice. Ty xx
For a number of us confidence is something we need to constantly work on and top up. Surround yourself with things you love doing and you’ll find like minded people – perhaps even a potential partner. Dating apps work for some, but not all of us – the saying ‘nothing ventured nothing gained’ springs to mind. I gained a husband and two children. Have fun and enjoy the journey do what’s right for you. #bloggerclubuk
Thanks sweet and for reading x
Difficult one. I know I’m a positive person but I do too have moments like this. All I can suggest is that you keep looking after yourself a de eating and sleeping well. Give yourself a break and a treat once in a while. You are a lovely person X #blogginggoodtime
Thank you sweet xx
This post is absolutely spot on, I love how you write. I found myself nodding away to evey word, I only wish I had the answers!
#ablogginggoodtime
Aww thank you for the compliment!! Wish we all had the answers x
I struggle to “love myself” in the way that you mentioned as well – but I know it is very important! It’s something that I am constantly working on so if you do have any tips, let me know! #BloggingGoodTime
Ha ha ha ill be sure too!x
I guess for me, my faith comes in to play here. I feel loved so I can love myself. I feel forgiven for the mess ups I have made and make, so I can forgive myself. I know I’m not even close to perfect (whatever that is?) so I don’t beat myself up when I realise yet again that I’m not. I’m in my 40s andI’m not sure I would have felt exactly like this when I was in my 20s…I think I was harder on myself then. I hope you find a place where you love being you – best wishes. #ablogginggoodtime
Thank you very much for your wise words and encouragement x
This moved me more than I can say. It’s so hard to articulate this stuff sometimes but you’ve done an amazing job of it here. Thanks for writing this. I know that for so many of us confidence is something that affects us more than we’re prepared to admit, even to ourselves. Thanks for hosting #ablogginggoodtime lovely, it’s fab to be here! Xxx
awww thank you for such a lovely comment. Happy to have you sweet xx
It is so difficult to love ourselves at times, because regardless of knowing deep down that we are enough, we like all or part of ourselves, and love ourselves – as soon as someone displays any confidence, they are shot down by others in scathing/bitchy comments such as “she loves herself” We cannot win!
The tough bit is shrugging off the need for approval from others and being happy with who we are. Sometimes its easier said than done, and something I am working on myself. I am enough, I love myself and who I am (if not all of me and all of the time..this is truly a work in progress). You are enough and I hope you can love yourself too.
Thanks for sharing such an honest post xx
Thank you for such a heartfelt and beautiful comment xx
Loving yourself can be harder than loving anyone else. Just remember, people aren’t always what they seem from the outside. We’re all hiding inner demons and harbouring feelings within; it’s part of being a sentient human being. You say that other people think of you as ‘a happy, outgoing and confident person’, Then that must be what you are, to them even if not to yourself. It’s only you that’s panicking and worrying about how you’re coming across. Maybe start trying to trust other people’s opinions a bit more 🙂 you’re beautiful in your picture. We all see ourselves differently because we are looking outwards and only ever see reflections of ourselves.
Ha ha I think you may have hit the nail bang on the head there… trust xx
Well done for writing this. Similar to your last comment, faith is a biggy for me. My identity is in Jesus, now this does not mean that I have it all sussed, absolutely I muck up often and I do have similar worries. However I know that Jesus died for me and therefore I am forgiven. He has forgiven me for what I have done, what I am doing and what I’m yet to do, which is hard to get my head around sometimes. Don’t be so hard on yourself. xxx #ablogginggoodtime
Bless you… thank you for your comment xx
Katie, thanks for your honesty. I know you didn’t write this so we’d all say ‘but you are lovely.’ But ‘YOU ARE LOVELY.’ You put me at ease at BMLs with your warm, friendly nature and you made me feel so welcome. You just made me feel so valued and important.
Unfortunately, if you’ve been bullied as Pretty Woman (that great sage) once said ‘The bad stuff is easier to believe.’ If only you could spend a few moments inside the heads of the friends and family who love you and appreciate you that would help to counteract some of those messages.
Just as its up to you to learn to be easier on yourself and love yourself, there’s a challenge for friends and family to be more open about how much you are loved and appreciated. One things for sure, your lovely little girl will be a living example of how loved and appreciated you are.
I’m being WafflemcWaffleface. There’s so much more I could say. I have my own way of reminding myself I am loved (Psalm 139)but we each find our own way.
Thank you sweet. It was so wonderful to meet you at bml and I cant tell you how glad it made me. Looking forward to hopefully seeing you again soon and thanks for your lovely comment x