I had an interesting conversation the other day with someone close and we somehow ended up on the topic of ourselves… putting ourselves out there. I made a rather bold statement and quickly retreated losing confidence in my words and ability to carry out said statement. However, it was my words that shocked them the most “And now, I shall beat a hasty retreat for fear of rejection.” They were quick to inform me that I worry too much about too much which I know to be true and is a rather annoying character flaw. They were quite shocked because, as others before them have thought, I come across as quite a happy, outgoing and confident person… however inside I am a panicked mess worrying about every little detail down to how my hair looks, am I saying the right thing and will I once again face rejection from whomever this person standing in front of me is?
It’s amazing how much a smile can hide isn’t it? People would never guess – especially as I have been performing since a young age and once to over 2000 people at one time – but it’s different. That isn’t me on display but everyday life… holy moly?! I informed my shocked friend that if I worry about stuff and prepare for hurt and rejection then it will never hurt quite as much as being unprepared for disappointment… I was told I should have a more positive outlook on life and not worry so much about what other people think. But, how do you DO that?!
I have always worried about what people think and I believe it stems back to my school days. I was bullied several times for being a geek, a goody too shoes, fat… you name it apparently I did whatever it was that meant you got bullied for it. Basically, I was a sitting duck and an easy target. Now, whilst we are not at school anymore (thank God!!) the experiences that happened there are what have shaped us and have made us who we are today! So how do you undo 16 years of “social education” a further 10 years on? Is it even possible?!
I know what some of you might be sat there thinking – well if you’re unhappy with yourself then change! Okay, you have no idea how many diets I have been on and yes they do work – currently they won’t! I have recently been diagnosed with a post-natal thyroid problem which is not only affecting my weight but also my sleep and mood and until my medication has been worked out nothing on this front will change… and yes it is life long. So, I guess that means I need to change my mind set…. but how?
I mean to say, I can’t be the only one can I? I cannot be the only one who fears making a move in either their personal or professional life in case of rejection? I think these past few months, professionally I have been rather brave. I packed in my steady paying job and dived in head first and went freelance in order to be able to be a WAHM – this still scares me now but it is exhilarating and the blogging and writing community have been so gracious in welcoming me with open arms.
Personal… Okay, here is where I may have hit a bit of a stumbling block. I have quite possibly turned into a bit of an Ostrich the past few months and had my head buried in the sand. Let me tell you… I installed a dating app on my phone. Exciting right?! WRONG! I had it on for 24 hours before deleting it and retreating back to my sand pit… it was like a meat market! I might as well have posted a picture of myself naked wriggling from a hook (sorry for the mental image) and said “WOMAN, 30S, A BIT FLABBY ROUND THE EDGES, PLENTY OF MEAT TO GRAB ON TO, DOESNT TAKE A LOT OF TLC, WHO WANTS HER FOR A FIVER?” Okay, I may be exaggerating slightly… but they were definitely only after one thing… and it wasn’t my winning personality.
However, I then stop and question… do I need someone else to love me in order to love myself? Rather sadly, as a matter of fact, I think I do. How awful to admit – don’t get me wrong I am not unhappy and when it comes to my daughter I have nothing but reams and reams of positivity and I can see it shining out of her whenever I take a peek. However, for me, I seem to have hit an all time low on the old confidence scale when it comes to myself and almost feel as if I need affirmation from friends, family, potential partners (the list is endless for this…honest) that I am in fact not that geeky girl from school with too few friends and an incredible knack for being bullied and that I am in fact a worthwhile grown up and someone people enjoy being around – is that awfully sad? Potentially yes, but this is something I am finally admitting which perhaps is the first step to changing – maybe?