Well do you?! If so, I am sorry if I have lulled you here under false pretenses…I do not have a c*ck shot to give you and nor do I have any naked pictures of myself for you to see either… I mean why would you want that anyway?! I promise you this is not turning into an X-rated blog by any means. However, in the past two weeks, would you believe I have been asked the title question over 10 times??! This is not an everyday occurrence for me and I can assure you that I have not had people coming up to me on the street and offering me shots of their bits and bobs – oh no!! No, I have merely stepped into the world of Internet Dating once again…
I suddenly realised a few weeks ago that in a matter of weeks it was going to be two years that I had been single and over two years since I had had a date. Don’t get me wrong I think the my time has been well spent focusing on myself and my daughter but it kind of just hit me like WOW! I think I was also healing and not really ready to get back out there either… plus the old ugly face of mum guilt kept rearing it’s ugly head “If you go on a date that is time that your daughter is losing out on!” I would think stupidly because obviously I could go on a date when she was asleep but then it’s “But what if she needs you and you aren’t there because you are out on a date with someone who doesn’t even matter?!” So to be honest apart from the odd moment of “Oh woe is me, I shall be alone forever!” that my absolute darling friends talked me through (as well as lovely hugs from my mum) I have actually be fine being single (except of course the brief moment when I had my heart played with “We Can’t Go Back But I’ll Go On!”)
However, I don’t know what happened but suddenly something clicked and I thought, you know what? It is not selfish to want to go out and maybe try and date again. It was like a light switch going on and suddenly I was ready. I have to say I do miss the good old days when you could go to a bar or a pub with a friend and if a guy liked you he came over to say hi and offered to buy you a drink. I have no desire to go clubbing again but a look across a crowded room would be quite nice. However, being realistic, I knew that I would have to turn to the internet in order to have any hope in finding a date.
I had met Alyssa’s dad on Plenty of Fish but knew I didn’t want to go back on there because despite it being free, from what I could remember it was a bit like a meat market. My mum pointed out to me that I should go on a paid for site because people might be a bit more serious there because they have had to pay for the pleasure of being there so decided on Match.com. Now, let me start by saying that I was not going into this with my eyes closed… I was not expecting to log on, find my Prince Charming and within a week ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. I began internet dating because I wanted to meet someone… I wanted to meet a guy who was nice, kind, makes me laugh, wants the same things as me and maybe someone who I could make a future with where we can create our own version of happily ever after. Oh how bloody naive was I??! I seriously thought that I would go on, chat to a few people, go on a couple of dates, maybe a few more and meet someone I clicked with…. oh no!
First of all, I began talking to about 6 people the first day which quickly went down to one person and after two days we swapped numbers to text… within 12 hours came this message “So… I’m alone, you’re alone… go any pics to show me babe?!” Yeah, he was after naked pics of me… this resulted in a swift bye bye and a blocking of the number. A week later I returned to Match and began talking to another 3 people… 2 of these quickly disappeared when in their opening messages they told me that they were lonely and looking for fun – “Sorry, you’ll have to stay lonely!” The third one I actually really liked and we began to text each other and arranged to meet then suddenly after a week… he disappeared! I have no idea what happened, he just stopped responding!!
I took a break at this point because work got busy and to be honest I didn’t really understand and was a bit annoyed. However, I went back on two weeks ago and OH MY GOD!! It has been one sexual deviant after another after another. One took to sending me streams and streams of an erotic novel which I couldn’t take seriously because there were too many spelling mistakes and then asked me for a tit shot. I responded that he was the same as every other guy out there and I was blocking him. Before I had managed to block him he got one final message through telling me “You frigid bitch!” This was followed after by another guy telling me he had just gotten out of the shower, was naked and would I like a c*ck shot?! No, I bloody well don’t… this was the 10th that had been offered to me in two weeks… I should have started trying to sell the images or something!! I blocked them on Match and because I was annoyed reported them, but because this had taken place off the site there was nothing they could do and I was advised to go to the police if it was serious which is fair enough.
Can someone please tell me what the hell happened to romance? Am I the only one out there who still just wants to meet someone, date them, fall in love, get married and have some form of a happy ending??! At times I think I must be… I mean, no offence guys, you may be pretty dang proud of your ding-a-ling but a bit like our hoo-haas they are not pretty, they are not something we like to sit staring at in our free time and honestly the only people with penis envy are yourselves. I know some women out there are just as bad (swapped dating stories with my ex but that’s a post for another time!!!) but seriously people… is romance actually dead?!? At this rate, I won’t be dating for a few decades and will find myself in the Mature Dating market!
For some reason, that night with the double whammy and being called a “frigid bitch” I was still on match just mindlessly scrolling through and 2 unsuspecting victims messaged me both with a similar message of “Hi, How are you? You’re profile is really nice and wondered if you would like to chat?!” Well, I know they personally had done nothing wrong but by this point I had honestly had enough so I decided to send them both a disclaimer that went as follows…
“Hello and thanks for messaging me and looking at my profile. Apologies for being direct and blunt, but if you are looking for a girl to sext with or to send you naked pictures or to send pictures of your genitalia too then I am not your girl so feel free not to message me back and just keep moving. If this is not your plan and you are in fact looking for something other than this and have not been frightened off by my directness then please do message me back…”
One didn’t message me back. The other did. Now, 5 days later, I’m off on a date… wish me luck!