No, I am not naive enough to think that my life with my child was going to be perfect but I honestly thought that I would be a lot different as a mother. I sometimes find myself rather disappointed in myself as a mother which sounds harsh I suppose but then we are our own harshest critics aren’t we? Though sometimes I even wonder if the friends and family watching me are disappointed in my parenting too.
Needless to say my bubba has thrown me some curveballs I wasn’t expecting. I never expected to get a child who’s sleep was and still is questionable at the best of times. I’ve done sleep training and we’ve stuck to routines and schedules and we’ve also tried being relaxed but at the ripe old age of 2.5 years old my little one still gets up 2 or 3 times a night – sometimes less so if she sleeps in my bed which she’s done every night since the end of last November.
I can honestly say I’m bloody exhausted. I work in the evenings and any free moment I get and family help when they can but they’re not her parent, that’s me and I’m shattered. The bad news is, I’m not a very good tired person. I get cranky. A lot of the time I can push past 
grumpy and just be my normal self with smiles and happiness galore. However, there are some days when I just can’t and this could be because of a run of bad nights, one really bad one or added stress from work deadlines but on these particular days I don’t particularly like the mum I am. I have a much shorter temper and rather than saving it for something really bad ill snap at my little and of course she, being the feisty feminist that she is, will bite back and this can often lead to a timeout but isn’t it me that should be on that time out chair?
I’m not the only one that’s tired because of course she is too and 80% of parents out there (except the smug bastards who I swear must drug their children) but when you’re so tired that your eye twitch has become permanent then you don’t really think. However, give me 2 or 3 minutes just to think and I’m suddenly mortified that I raised my voice and snapped and usually end up pulling her into a cuddle and explaining why mummy was cross, what she should or shouldn’t do and that I’m sorry. I don’t actually care if this is bad parenting as it’s what I need to do to placate my guilt… Well that and a good cry at the end of the day.
I for one know I give myself a hard time as a mum. I don’t think I craft enough, cook good enough food, take her out enough and I sometimes turn into angry Mama. I genuinely had it in my head that I’d be the kind of mum that rivaled a Stepford Wife but the truth is that I’m as far from it as I could be and sometimes I don’t even manage to hold my shit together enough to not become angry Mama and that is a real disappointment.
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29 Comments
I could have written this babe you aren’t alone! Xxx
I always knew I’d be a rubbish mum but I’m the best one they have so you know…
Sleep is such a big deal. I’m knackered all of the time and it doesn’t make me a nice person when I’ve been up 5 times in one night. I defy anyone to be Mary f*cking Poppins on 3 hours of broken sleep.
Blah blah blah you’re doing FINE X
You are definitely not alone on this one. I tend to be more grumpy and angry when I’m tired too and I often feel cross with myself for my lack of self-control when I get so angry with the girls, especially in the run-up to Jessica’s op when I felt like I should especially be cherishing the moments. It’s hard not to lose your cool sometimes and I think it takes a lot of courage to be so open about it. We’re often our own worst critics as mums and I don’t think any of us live up to our own expectations. Giving yourself a little time out when you’re angry isn’t such a bad idea. I’ve started doing that now and it does help me get my head together a little before I respond to something. Big hugs, you are doing a great job. I have no doubt that Alyssa knows she is loved and a big cuddle makes up for a lot xxx
You’re not the only one – nobody’s perfect! You can’t be all singing and dancing Mary poppins all the time. The fact we even question if we’re good enough means we care and that we’re doing a good job. It gets easier as they get older.
Oh honey you are not alone at all, sleep is a precious commodity that’s rare in parenting. When I went back to work in Oct 2016 after maternity leave the only sleep I could get was if she came in next to me. Currently that’s still the same with both of us working we need some sleep and she only settles to sleep if she’s touching my boob! I’m hoping having another baby up at night will want her to go and sleep in her own room for the peace! You are doing a marvellous job and Alyssa is a credit to you! xx
You are totally not the only one. Motherhood is exhausting and everything you’re saying here is totally normal. I get angry and then I instantly feel the guilt, or sometimes I’m working whilst my daughter is watching TV. I try not to let it bother me and I realise it’s all about balance. You’re doing great hun, it’s tough and it’s overwhelming and I think that tiredness has a lot to answer for. Chin up hun. Claire x
Oh hun we have all felt this way, you are so not alone on this one. I shout at my eldest way more than I want to, it so much worse when I’m tired. Kids are hard work and the my test and push us all the time, no parent can keep calm and have the patience of a saint 100% of the time. Try not to feel guilty because every parent gets cross at one point or another. Sending lots of good vibes It way xx
I have moments where I’m pretty irritable, but sometimes when things get tough I shut down more than I get angry. But it’s not like you have any say on whether you feel angry or not, it’s just there. But we all just try our best and keep going
You’re not alone. I could have written this myself. The Gilmore Girls have a lot to answer for. I feel cheated that motherhood isn’t how they portrayed it! #ablogginggoodtime
Don’t feel bad – we all feel this way sometimes. When we’re tired – and we’re always tired – our kids can drive us up a wall. I actually said to my daughter the other day, “You’re being ridiculous! Do you know what ridiculous means? It’s what you are.” #ablogginggoodtime
I too am TIRED and I too sometimes get angry. And I apologise and explain, just like you do, and I don’t think that’s bad parenting at all. Being respectful and honest to my child, admitting weakness and failure when it affects him, is the only way for me. I couldn’t pretend to be always right, just to keep up some parental authority. If that makes me a ‘bad’ parent in anyones eyes, that’s ok with me. To me, my child is more important than anyone else. x
#ablogginggoodtime
PS. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for improved sleeping patterns! x
Sleep deprivation is the worst isn’t it, effects everything and so difficult to stay positive when you’re surviving on such a tiny amount of sleep. #ablogginggoodtime
I’m dreadful when I’ve not had enough sleep, or if it’s been broken sleep. It really is difficult. But we keep trying because that’s all we can do. I think apologising to our kids when we’re in the wrong is important as it shows them that we respect them and that we know we’ve messed up. Keep going, Mama! #ablogginggoodtime
And there are angry dads galore too! I regularly lose my shit, especially with my young teenage daughter/ She is difficult and moody, yes, but I am not proud at how quick I can lose it with her. I take some consolation from what my 12-year-old boy said recently to my wife. They were in the car going to school, after another confrontation between me and our daughter, and he said: “Dad is a bit dramatic, but his heart is in the right place.” I’ll take that!
Very much in your position. Just when thought we were starting to get more of a routine (yep that lasted about three weeks) we have had months and months of sleepless nights and I’m wiped out. I couldn’t remember my address the other day and can go from 0 – snarky in the blink of an eye. You’re not alone. #ablogginggoodtime
No you are not alone. As one mama to another, I have started on a journey to change that critical voice that keeps putting me down to a more compassionate voice that acknowledges it is tough and I am doing my best.
I do hope you are able to change that voice too.
Hugs to you.
Ellen x
#ablogginggoodtime
No matter how calm and serene a person you are – it is difficult not to be “angry mum” sometimes. It comes down to exhaustion mainly. I am much calmer now mine are older – but at nearly 12 my eldest is unleashing a whole load of new angry…. sarah #ablogginggoodtime
i think i would say you are very normal.. I imagine its not just you and me with guilt that we could do more, be more, do better; its definitely not just us who for an easy life let our baby/toddler sleep with us ; and I’m pretty sure there isn’t a mum out there who never raised their voice through tiredness and frustration. Be kinder to yourself. You love your daughter and you are doing your best x
For me, tired always leads to grumpy/angry/not-fun Mum.
We need lots of grace to get through those early years of parenting!
“. However, give me 2 or 3 minutes just to think and I’m suddenly mortified that I raised my voice and snapped and usually end up pulling her into a cuddle and explaining why mummy was cross, what she should or shouldn’t do and that I’m sorry.”
That quote right there means you are a very good mum. Just human like the rest of us at the other times!!!
You are definitely not the only one who gets angry then feels horrible about it after. I think that’s what makes you a good parent. The fact that you recognize your own faults and work harder to make things better for you and your little one shows how much you care. It’s normal for all of us to get angry at our kids and to snap when we are tired. I used to beat myself up over this too. My anger bursts are much fewer now after years of working on myself but just the other day I snapped at my boys because they both left their clothes in the middle of the living room floor. I woke them up and made them put their stuff away and yelled at them for doing it in the first place. I felt horrible that I was so angry that I felt to the need to wake them up after they had just fallen asleep. My kids are older and know better but they are still kids and they are forgetful. I told myself that I should have waited until the morning to yell at them but I was too angry in the moment. This happens. I apologized to them for waking them up and I told myself that next time (because I know there is always a next time) I will wait until morning. You’re not alone in this:) #ablogginggoodtime
There is no such thing as the Pinterest Perfect mom. We all have that exhausted snappy attitude. You are never alone!
#ablogginggoodtime
You’re not alone! I imagined myself being the perfect mummy (don’t we all!) but I am definitely shouty mummy a lot of the time. However, my daughter’s quite a bit older than yours and we have a great relationship despite the shouting. She tells me I’m the best mum ever and that she loves me. So a bit of shouting doesn’t damage them, as long as you also let them know how much you love them đŸ™‚ #ablogginggoodtime
I am the epitome of the angry mum. I shout and scream and hate myself for it. I’m nothing like the mother I thought I would be but I’m doing the very best I can and my kids are clothed, fed and loved and that’s good! You will no doubt get angrier as Alyssa gets older because she will learn all the right buttons to push and your patience will wear thinner over the years but she wont resent you for it…when she’s got her own children she will love you all the more for it because she will understand! #ablogginggoodtime
Angry mama comes out at the end of a long week at work when I am tired and Cygnet will just not go to sleep. All I want is a glass of wine, to plonk myself in front of some crap tele and to veg and what I get is a grumpy toddler who just will not go to sleep and insists on playing up. I shout. He shouts. Then I feel guilty and cuddle him. Even during the cuddles I am still longing for my wine. Pen x #ablogginggoodtime
No you aren’t alone. We all feel anger sometimes like a kettle that’s past it’s boiling point. However, I think the way you deal with explaining things through with her is good even if she doesn’t entirely understand. I’m also hard on myself wondering if I give the children too much screen time. #ablogginggoodtime
Aaaww don’t be too hard on yourself. I think we all feel that way when we raise a voice or speak in a frustrated tone. We feel worse way longer than the little people do! Our dream mum visions always end up altered thanks to actual motherhood I think! #ablogginggoodtime
I agree with Marlin’s comment, I do the apologising too, I think it is better we admit to them sometimes we are wrong and that we can say sorry we when need to. You really are not a bad mum, you are human, I hate when I yell, I feel so guilty, but some days (most days) I am so f’n exhausted I can’t stand it. I was like you I wanted to be a mum all my life and I fought so hard to have them, so when reality hit home that is wasn’t all sweet and smelling of breast milk and baby powder I honestly was I shock! I think the young stage Alyssa is now is one of the hardest, those first years are bloody tough. Every age brings challenges, but those young years were a killer.
You’re not the only one – I properly lose my sh*t sometimes! I always apologise afterwards but even so…it’s the tiredness that does it & there’s a reason they use it as a form of torture… #ablogginggoodtime