No one can answer this question but me. I completely get that so don’t panic that you’re going to have to answer some massive quiz at the end of this post about that will help me solve every problem within my life. So forgive me if this is yet again another word vomit where I’m trying to sort things out in my head. As you’ll know, if you follow my blog, I wrote a post about the possibility of Casual Dating recently and though I am not against the idea I am still in fact debating whether or not I should/could/want to date again at all. I’d say it’s complicated but actually it isn’t really, I just know that I have to be ready and only I can decide when that is. Trouble is I am having trouble working out whether or not I am ready and just going through all the things that float to the surface of my mind and bob about when I think about it…
Technically speaking there is nothing really to think about is there – I either want to date or I don’t but actually as it’s me and I always overthink things, it’s not as straight forward as that.
Firstly, if I did decide that yes I am ready, how am I going to meet someone?! I could of course do what I have done in the past and join the best dating sites and try my hand at online dating again but I am not sure my heart is in that or if I even have the courage to do it again. I did that about 8 months after having Alyssa and went on one coffee date and kind of gave up as it just felt like a meat market with blokes who’s only goal was to send me their latest “manhood shot” – I even wrote a post about it! (You can read that here.)
I have never tried the specific local dating sites such as Peterborough Dating, Norfolk Dating, Wiltshire Singles, Shropshire Dating or wherever you happen to live – I didn’t even know they had specific areas so that could be something to try as I am not in a position really to be able to travel far even if I do decide to date.
So what is holding me back? I am single and have been for over 3 years, I am fully able to date so there is nothing holding me back. Plus and I hate to admit it but I am lonely. I am lonely for that person who will sit at the end of the sofa and watch stupid TV with me or who when I need it, even without being asked, will just wrap me in a hug. I am lonely for someone for me. I know I have Alyssa and of course my family and friends but it isn’t the same.
So as I said, what is holding me back? Well honestly, it’s me. I know you shouldn’t change yourself for anyone other than yourself but I honestly feel that I am currently at my worst and need to do something about that and feel better about myself. I should like myself a lot more before I even contemplate whether or not someone else could possibly like me.
In a way, Alyssa is holding me back too though not in a bad way at all. I worry that if something does go well and I end up dating, how that will effect our relationship. I’d also feel incredibly guilty “wasting time” on meaningless dates when that time could be spent with her. There is of course that other question of do I even have time to date?
My ideal situation would be for something to develop between a friend and I that just naturally progresses into more. That way there would be no pressure, no need for the horrendous first date nerves, just all round warm fuzziness but that of course could be me slipping back into my happily ever after fantasies again.
Whatever happens, my head and heart are both now asking me to get back out there and find someone. Someone for me. There is just that small little niggle up in that head that’s holding me back. I may never be completely ready, so perhaps it’s time I just got up on that horse and see what happens… what do you think?!
*This is a collaborative post.