Mamma Mia – It’s Back!
1st September 2017
#ABloggingGooodTime Week 61
7th September 2017
Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestyoutubetumblrinstagram
Some may think this is an attention seeking post. Some may think I am writing to gain sympathy. Some people might think I’m pathetic and some people just won’t care. Well guess what?! Neither do I. I’m an emotional person. I used to think it was my downfall and that it made me a weak person. Being sensitive or “over sensitive” as some people like to call it, I have discovered, doesn’t make me a bad person. It means I care. It means I actually give a crap about things and people. Yes, I might show or feel it more than others, but that’s my choice. Reading back these first few sentences, this starts out as quite a powerful blog post, which surprises me because right now I don’t feel powerful. Right now, I feel a bit lost. If blogging has taught me anything over the past nearly two years is that it does me good to let things out. When I keep things bottled up I feel like I am going to explode – and trust me, no one wants to see that. So this is me. Here right now. Feeling lost. Feeling broken by my own hand. Feeling horrid about myself. Sat here wondering, when? When will I be enough to make someone want to stay?girl woman crying at a window with rain on it and hand on window

Do you want to know how long this post has sat in my drafts folder? Weeks, actually bordering on two months. I didn’t know if I’d be able to write anymore than the introduction. If I’d need to. Whether this was just one of those random rantings that was truly just for me and no one else. Then I thought about something a wise blogger told me a brunette woman in a jacket with long hair in front of a graffitied wall that is covered in locks. she is touching onerecently. Aby, from You Baby Me Mummy, told a group of us who were partaking in one of her Facebook Live sessions for a course, “I always think you are actually writing for you. But the you from a few years ago!” I think it’s actually one of the most profound and useful things that has ever been said to me. It was kind of like a ping of realisation happened when I heard those words and for that I cannot thank her enough.woman sat typing on a laptp

For that reason, I am here. I am back. Finishing a post I wasn’t sure I even could and the reason is because the me from a few years ago and anyone else out there who feels like me deserves to know that they aren’t alone and yes at times things suck but they will eventually get better.a woman holding her head blurred

I wrote the intro when I was swirling in what I thought was a never-ending whirl heartbreak and tears. It’s a bit ridiculous for someone who keeps their heart so well guarded a lot of the time should find it so easily broken but it’s true and unfortunately it does keep happening. The past three years I think it’s actually happened 3 maybe 4 times and by the same two people. Not all their fault I will freely admit as I do tend to throw myself in whole-heartedly without really looking for a landing place first but that doesn’t make it any easier to bare does it?!woman looking out at the sea. facing away from the camera

After years and years and years of dreaming about love and marriage and family and my own home and a family life I’m now sadly coming to the realisation that actually I may be someone it doesn’t happen for. I blame Disney for totally ruining my ideas of men and relationships and giving me false hopes. As I grew up I obviously gained much more realistic expectations but these don’t seem to have been met either and so it gets to the point where you do begin to ask, “What’s wrong with me?!” Friends and family will profusely deny there being anything wrong with you, tell you how lovely you are and that clearly no one special enough has come along yet that is lucky enough to have you. Whilst this is lovely of them, it doesn’t really help when they then all disappear back to cuddle on the sofa with their other half and you’re sat up in bed wearing your granny nightie, a tub of Ben and Jerrys in one hand and the remote in the other going through hours of cooking programs because you can no longer bare to watch Rom Coms.alyssa lying down on stones looking at the camera

The truth is, there isn’t actually anything wrong with me. There could be a number of reasons as to why I have not met someone yet and of course I am also not the only one either. Something I am slowly coming to realise a few weeks down the line from my latest heartbreak is that unless I am happy with myself then I am never going to make anyone else happy. Truth be told… I am not happy with myself. I have become lazy and complacent and I need to do something about it now before I waste the best years of my life and Alyssa’s. I am going away this coming weekend on holiday and will be enjoying myself with my little girl and my family and nothing thinking about anything else. However, when I return it is time for my game face. It is time to do something about it. It is time to get happy with myself so that I can then put myself out there and find someone who makes me happy too.

So to me from a few years ago or anyone other person out there who sits there night after night alone (with little ones sleeping in the other room or not) don’t make this your focus in life. Let it happen. If it is meant to happen it will happen and if it doesn’t then perhaps fate has other plans for you. You just don’t know. Remember you aren’t alone there are still people in the world who love you, care about you and will give you a hug whether you ask or not. In my case I have wonderful friends who notice when I go quiet, send me sweeties to make me smile or positivity cards through the post that now live in my phone case so I see them every day. These words may not help and you may be sat there wishing I would just bog off, but I promise at some point in the future, they’ll sink in and you’ll think yeah okay, I get it now. Until then, if you feel alone, unloved, sad, anything then please feel free to message me any time. I have a virtual hug with your name on it!

21 Comments

  1. You’re totally right – being happy with yourself is the most important thing. You’re so focused on your daughter that I’m sure it’s easy to neglect yourself. Take some time to love yourself so you’re ready to love someone else too. #ablogginggoodtime

  2. Nicola says:

    I would love to say something profound that might help, I would love to tell you that love is just around the corner or that the right person will eventually come along. I can’t tell you those things because I don’t know…however I do know that we make our own future and if you really want love and you want to share your life with someone special then you will. It will happen when you are truly ready for it but if you want it enough then you will make it happen xxx

  3. Jaki says:

    It’s so nice to see that you are feeling more positive. Well done. I’m sure fate has something wonderful planned for you whether it be with someone or not. And hats off to sharing it and helping others too. #ablogginggoodtime

  4. Yep – being- in the main – happy in your own skin is so important! Have a really enjoyable weekend away and then make looking after YOU aswell as Aylssa you’re no. 1 priority. It’s so good you’ve given yourself a talking to about this as it’s all too easy to slip into night after night in with ice cream, telly and granny pjs (whether one has a partner or not!). I think I need to raise my game too! Xx #ablogginggoodtime

  5. I agree – being- in the main – happy in your own skin is so important! Have a really enjoyable weekend away and then make looking after YOU aswell as Aylssa you’re no. 1 priority. It’s so good you’ve given yourself a talking to about this as it’s all too easy to slip into night after night in with ice cream, telly and granny pjs (whether one has a partner or not!). I think I need to raise my game too! Xx #ablogginggoodtime

  6. I feel like this sometimes too, but I try to remind myself that I am very lucky in a lot of ways, and being part of a couple is no guarantee of eternal happiness. Look after yourself and remember you are not alone. Hope you’re feeling better soon. Xx

  7. Hats off to you for sharing such a raw and heartfelt post. I hope you soon find whatever it is you’re looking for. Lots of love x
    #ablogginggoodtime

  8. Lucy At Home says:

    The honesty and raw-ness in this post is so lovely. I am sorry that you have had your heart broken so many times. This makes me really sad. I am also an “over sensitive” person and it really does mean that we feel everything so much more deeply than other people. It also means that we can experience happiness way more than other people too. You are enough for your little girl – she loves you unconditionally and will always be by your side. x #ablogginggoodtime

  9. Kate says:

    I really loved this post. I love your honesty. These are wise words well said xx

  10. Laura: Adventures with J says:

    Of course you are enough lovely! It is hard though in moments of self doubt or hurt to remember that these people are not right for you and it is no reflection on you or your wonderful qualities but just that they are not the right one for you. Having limited free time just means that you have limited opportunities to meet the right person; it doesn’t mean they aren’t out there waiting for you though 😊 Most importantly look after yourself and start to love yourself.

  11. Kayleigh says:

    So honest and raw! I really thing that taking time for myself and raising my happiness and self-confidence lead me to feeling so much better about my life. Life is a tough journey with so many lessons to learn but I really do think focusing on self-happiness is the most important and fulfilling lesson you will ever learn for yourself.

  12. Such a beautifully written and thought provoking posy. Sending you love X #ablogginggoodtime

  13. Clare says:

    Wow, you are such a brave, strong and honest woman! Keep going! I love what you are saying…. though it’s not fun being on your own, you won’t force it into happening or rush into something for the sake of it. Knowing who you are and being comfortable in the skin you are in, aware of your strengths and weaknesses is so important …. and I think even in turn can become appealing to potential partners. I take my hat off to you and all other single mums out there. It’s a tough gig. God Bless ox

  14. Mama Grace says:

    loneliness is so sad. I hope you find someone worthy and fill your life and theirs. #ablogginggoodtime

  15. I hope that you grow and become the strongest you that you can be through this experience.

    #ablogginggoodtime

  16. Learning to love yourself can be hard, I’ve been there and am still a work in progress. But when you do, it has an amazing affect on not only your own life, but on those around you too. That kind of positive energy is contagious. Once you realise and fully believe that you are enough everything else will fall into place x
    #Ablogginggoodtime

  17. You have to know how wonderful you are and believe it – even if you have to fake it till you make it. And you will. And until then, you have a (hug) from me, right back at ya! Hang in. #ablogginggoodtime xoxox

  18. Aleena says:

    It’s a mazing that you chose to publish this – your blog is yours to write what you want, and the chances are that someone who needs to will read tis and it will help them. If it wasn’t here, it couldn’t do that. #ablogginggoodtime

  19. I used to be the same as you, blaming Disney for my high expectations of a fairytale relationship, scared I was being left on the shelf. Fate had a plan in store for me and a chance few nights out with my usual circle of friends saw me and another getting closer to someone who ended up being my Husband years on we’re married and he was someone I used to vent to about other relationships! Stay positive lovely, you’re Mr Right is out there! #ablogginggoodtime

  20. You are such a brave lady for writing this post and I hope it helped to get it all down in words, as I’m sure it’ll help many reading it who feel exactly the same way and thought they were alone. We’ve all felt like this, and it’s a lonely world out there but it’s a brave person who recognises that if you’re not happy with yourself then you nobody else will make you happy either. I hope you have a lovely holiday with your family and totally focus on you. #ablogginggoodtime

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *