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15th August 2016
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#ABloggingGooodTime Week 12
17th August 2016

We Can’t Go Back… But I’ll Go On!

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A few weeks ago now I made my return to blogging and I did it with my poem “Can We Go Back?“. I was overwhelmed with the wonderful heartfelt comments that so many of you made – offering your support guidance and well wishes. The other thing you all offered was curiosity and confusion with a bit of speculation thrown in for good measure. What did it all mean? What had been happening? Well, you all know me well enough by now to know that at some point I would be sharing with you and that point is now….

 

man and woman kissing in black and white

Before I bring you into the present I need to take you back… October 2014 and I am sharing a house with my now ex-best mate (you can read all about that in Betrayal & Bullying: What the Hell Happened to Friendship??!”) and her two little girls and both being single we were both signed up to dating websites including Plenty of Fish. A ding on my phone let me know I had a new message and before you know it we were chMan and woman in black and white kissing on a bridgeatting away and eventually moved over to Whats App. Just over a week of texting and flirty conversation later, I found myself spritzing on perfume, stepping into heels and heading out the door on yet another hopeful first date. He greeted me by the fountain and kissed me on the lips in an effort to calm my nerves and we went on to have one of the most hilarious first dates I have ever had, including accidentally ending up in a random quiz night in the bar/restaurant we had chosen to meet in. A  passionate kiss at the car and I went home smiling to tell my house mate all about it. Three days later we were on our second date and a few days after that the next and before I knew it I was head over heels and totally swept away in a dizzying and passionate relationship – something I had never had before.

You might think it sounds perfect and I can honestly say it was… a true honeymoon period. We both wanted the same thing and it looked like we found it. Then, it all came crashing down. I worked couple kissing in sunlight3 jobs to make ends meet – 1 I did for free in order to pay rent for where I was living, the other was my main job which was seasonal as Head of International Studies for a College and then I took on a couple of shifts a week working at a bar. I was going to his 3 nights a week which meant a total of 150 miles a week and was doing all I could to be with him. But it wasn’t enough and he told me so… he didn’t think he was a priority and thought my best friend and her children were more important to me. I wasn’t about to drop my best friend and the children that were like my own but I tried to tell him how much effort I was making to ensure he was a priority. When I wasn’t with him in the evenings I was working… but the damage was done. His words had knocked the relationship, in my eyes, from it’s pedestal and there was no turning back.

Over the next week or two the relationship got worse and worse and more and more tense. I went from dreaming of weddings to just wanting to get away – it had ta closed eye with tears on a cheekotally changed. Then in one evening, when I couldn’t carry on any longer it ended. Not in a nice way. We both said things, things said in the heat of the moment and then that’s it in what seemed like hours but was in fact minutes it was over. Two weeks before Christmas. The next  day I found out I was pregnant. The following that I was being made redundant from my main job. Two weeks into the New Year I also lost my best friend and found myself pregnant and what felt very alone back at my mum’s  house; the only place I knew I could find the comfort that I needed.

pregnant woman sat on the floor

He did come back… just before I was 20 weeks pregnant and we did try again. But days after the birth of our daughter it wasn’t to be and we split again. We didn’t see each other for weeks after that… he came to my home and enjoyed our daughter when he wanted but I stayed out of the way and claimed the space I so desperately needed in order to go forward like we needed to do. It took time and a few more cross words but we got there. We got there and were able to communicate and share our daughters infectious personality and enjoy the milestones she hits on a weekly basis.

Then it began to happen… like it did that very first time. We started to banter back and forth, spending more time together than was needed, going out together as a family and flirting almost shamelessly at  times. It came to a head one Sunday evening not long ago and during that blogging break… our daughter had gone to sleep and you had stayed for dinner. Suddenly his hand was behind my neck pulling me in and my lips were on his and all the pent up passion that had been held in since our first meeting all that time ago went into those minutes of kissing… then he ran away. He wanted to be single and alone and he didn’t want anything more from me… then a week later, on our own again with oan open eye with a tear in itur daughter between us, our lips met again and again he ran and the tears began to flow.

I had let my heart get caught up in it’s desperate desire for a happy ever after, but it’s not meant to be. We have so much passion between us but that can be both good and bad and he is focusing on him and it is time that I focused on me and my beautiful daughter. Don’t panic, we are fine, I am fine. We have not argued and I have not even taken time away, I have just distanced myself and let him spend his time with our daughter rather than with me too. I am still here but I have taken time for me…

 

shadows of a mother throwing her child in the air on the beach at sunset

 

This is by no means a bad or even sad story… it is just one of those things. Do I wish we could go back? Yes, sometimes I do because I think passion between two people exists for a reason but we were the wrong place and the wrong time… except we weren’t were we? If I hadn’t met him I wouldn’t be here, wittering on to all of you because I would never have had my gorgeous baby girl. So for that, to Alyssa’s daddy, I say thank you for the greatest gift I will ever receive. As for me, at the moment my heart is with my little girl, but at some point perhaps in the not so distant future, I will put myself out there once again and go looking for that happily ever after that I know is waiting somewhere for me….

 

61 Comments

  1. Oh Katie, what a beautiful, honest post- even if I am ready to grab the tissues! I’m sorry that it didn’t work out between you both but it’s lovely to hear that you can make a relationship work for your daughter. And as you say, without this experience you wouldn’t have your gorgeous Alyssa. I truly hope you find your happily ever after soon xx #BloggerClubUK

  2. Ahh this is so beautiful, and I really felt every word. My first marriage ended and it absolutely broke my heart. I thought that we would be together forever and I did truly love him but his actions were unforgiveable at the end of our marriage. We had two precious children together and I would have given anything to go back, although I knew it wasn’t possible. Two years later I went on a date with a friend from school, three months later he moved in, three months after we were engaged, and a year later married with a daughter. We had two more children in two consecutive years and now here we are, a family of six, the love of my life, our happy ever after. My ex husband and I are in a good place, he has remarried and has a son, and our son has the best of both worlds. Now I look back and I am so grateful that life worked out as it did, one day you will too. #bestandworst

  3. Oh relationships can be so very hard and I can’t help but feel that this boy is not the right one for you … the right one wouldn’t behave in this way and one day my lovely you will see that too but at the moment it’s too hard for you to get any distance mentally and physically because of your daughter but I know that in time you’ll be able to look back and know this is right. I always think imagine what you would tell your daughter if she was going through this … what would you want for her and what advice would you give her? The answer will then be what you should tell yourself lovely. Oh sorry for long chatty advice but I hate to think of you being repeatedly hurt xx #triballove

  4. What a lovely honest post.its funny the things we do to try and have a normal family. I spent 3 years trying to keep my family together and then realised we were better off without him! Thanks for sharing #bloggerclubuk

  5. Well, I’m stood here having a little cry because something about being in the wrong place and the wrong time has struck a chord. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful and honest post and I really truly hope that you will find the RIGHT time and space for you in order for love to come back again. In the meantime, what a beautiful and precious gift you have in Alyssa, who is a credit to you. Much love tribe mama xx

  6. Such an honest and open account of your relationship with Alyssa’s daddy. It is hard when you have that passion with someone but realise that it just won’t work. So glad you are able to focus on the beautiful result of that relationship and move forward from it. Making time for yourself and taking that space to move toward is so important. I do love your honesty that comes through with everything you write and the way it is so clearly straight from your heart. Your gorgeous girl is a wonderful gift and one day I am sure you will find the happy ending with someone special too xx #triballove

  7. When you are ready, get your glad rags on, get out there and find a man who really deserves you and who loves you unconditionally… You are amazing and he’s a fool for not realising that, one day he will regret it! Love you ❤️

  8. You always get me with the way you write so beautifully. You will definitely get your happy ever after because I know of no one that deserves it more and you are right. He did give you beautiful Alyssa. Now concentrate on yourself and when you are ready go chase that happy ending that you so deserve. Xxx #triballove

  9. wendy says:

    Katie, your writing is just amazing. I’m sorry things didn’t work out but it sounds like it was the right decision for you all. I hope you get your happy ending one day soon 🙂 xx #bestandworst

  10. Jane Taylor says:

    What a beautifully honest post. So touching, so heartfelt and yet at the same time so philosophical too. You have a beautiful little girl because of that relationship and even though it just doesn’t seem meant to be, I do hope that when the time is right you find someone special.

    Thank you for being prepared to share. You write so beautifully and I always look for your posts now. #BloggerclubUK

  11. That is a story and a half….such an emotional rollercoaster. I’m gutted for you. It’s so painful to feel those highs and lows. Be strong. #bloggerclubuk

  12. What an emotional roller coaster you’ve been on! I’m a strong believer that things happen for a reason and there are little lessons in everything that we may not see until further down the line and we connect the dots back. The biggest blessing of all was your gorgeous little girl, everything else will fall into place as and when the time is right xx
    #bestandworst

  13. Kate Dyson says:

    I really loved this – you write so beautifully, and with such pathos. Your strength just bursts out of your words, but my god, you have been through the mill and so many ups and downs. The shining light of course, is your darling girl. Hang on in there X

  14. You made a tough decision for the sake your daughter and for that you have my respect. So many people remain in relationships “for the sake of the kids”, or because it’s all they’ve ever known. I’m happy you’re putting Alyssa first, even though it’s been one heck of an emotional ride for you. Wishing you all the best, Katie. #ablogginggoodtime

  15. Fridgesays says:

    #ablogginggoodtime and an enjoyable read. Perhaps your souls were together in a previous life, I do agree you have the best gift in your little miss and I hope in time you will connect with another soul who is your knight for this life time. 🙂 fab read

  16. Emma says:

    Oh Katie. It is a poignant read. It is hard to move on when you can’t get distance too. I think timing has a massive part to play. I think, from the way he has treated you, that he isn’t ready for a relationship at the moment. Sometimes we have to let go, even though we don’t want to, so they can realise what they had #ablogginggoodtime

  17. I just couldn’t stop reading this one. It sounds as if you both gravitate towards each other with such passion, but a destructive passion. I always think it’s the way that we deal with the issues that we face that make us the person we are – and the way you’ve recognised that you don’t want to repeat the same destructive pattern and act on it shows just how strong a person you are. Loved the post and you xx #ablogginggoodtime

  18. Rhian Harris says:

    That must have been really tough – hopefully it is all for the best now though #ablogginggoodtime x

  19. Kate Orson says:

    Such a beautiful post. I’m so sorry things didn’t work out, but that you have a lovely daughter, because of this story. #ablogginggoodtime

  20. teacuptoria says:

    Aw I’m so sorry you didn’t get your happy ever after huni. I know how that feels! My first marriage ended and I’ve just called time on my second. Sadly, chemistry doesn’t guarantee anything at all. I’m now doing the same as you; no more chasing ‘the perfect 2.4 family life’ I’m focusing on me and my boy and making up ridiculously happy doing all the things we want to do. I’m focusing on what I have got, not what I haven’t. This is a lovely brave post and I hope you continue to get stronger and enjoy your amazing time with your daughter. I love being a single mum as the bond with your child is so strong. Lots of love and luck Tor xx #BloggerClubUK

  21. Becky says:

    I am glad you are able to come to terms with it all. I can see wanting the happily ever after. You have such a beautiful daughter from it all and making the best out of if all for her. Such a great mommy you are!

  22. The post that I linked up this week is about my husband having a new relationship. This story resonated with me in so many ways. I dont know what to say as I dont know what to tell myself… but you are amazing and stronger than me. Thanks for sharing. #ablogginggoodtime

  23. Ellen says:

    Thank you for sharing another gorgeous, heartfelt post. Everything seems complicated with Alyssa’s dad and I am a firm believer that when it’s right there is nothing complicated about it – you both know what you want and there are no games. I absolutely know your happy ever after is out there darling! #ablogginggoodtime

  24. Ahh lovely, beautifully shared – hope you’re ok. Sounds like things are settled and your final words are just plain gorgeous. I felt really emotional reading the ups and downs particularly in light of the timescale…breaking up just before pregnancy, back together at twenty weeks, not to be just days after birth…like there’s not enough for you to be coping with at that time! You may not always think it about yourself but you are a very strong, resilient, loving person xxxx #ablogginggoodtime

  25. Oh my goodness. This is the first time I’ve read your blog and now I’m totally emotional. Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt part of your life. I always say ‘onwards and upwards’. Things tend to happen for a reason and you will find your happy ever after. x #ablogginggoodtime

  26. Sounds like it wasn’t meant to be but you are doing a fab job just you! #ablogginggoodtime

  27. So sorry for how it all worked out with your partner. Such a shame. It’s great that you can reflect and see the positive in that you have your beautiful daughter as a result. #ablogginggoodtime

  28. Samsam S. says:

    Your writing is so beautiful. Thanks for sharing it with us, I’m glad you have closure; sometimes accepting and moving on can be the hardest thing. You’re absolutely right your daughter is the greatest gift anyone can give you #ablogginggoodtime

  29. Lisa Savage says:

    He sounds like a class knobhead! Sorry if that sounds harsh but you and your daughter clearly deserve someone who wont, at your own admission, run away every time he’s got what he wants! But I think you know that. You wouldn’t have written this if you didn’t. You’ll find him when you’re ready my love. Probably when you’re in Tesco with no make up and greasy hair 🙂

  30. Oh Katie I’m so sorry you both could not make it work between you. This post is is the most beautiful piece I have read in a while. At least you got the most beautiful gift out of the relationship – stunning little Alyssa. xx

    #ablogginggoodtime

  31. A beautiful post.

    #ablogginggoodtime

  32. What a tough situation to be in, it’s so hard to ‘get over’ someone if you see them all the time. Especially when you share a beautiful daughter. I don’t have any advice I’m afraid but stay strong and focus on the little girl that came out of a tricky relationship! #ablogginggoodtime

  33. Wow sounds tough, going back and forth never seems to be the answer in relationships I’ve found, too much of an emotional rollercoaster! Seems that you have made a decision and stuck with it now, good for you #ablogginggoodtime

  34. aww this is a lovely post – so honest and from the heart. like you say wrong place wrong time but everything happens for a reason doesn’t it…what will be, will be and all. you have a beautiful daughter to show for it all #ablogginggoodtime

  35. Helena says:

    Sounds like this guy doesn’t deserve you and certainly isn’t the one for you. It seems like he hasn’t grown up yet. May you and your daughter have happiness always. #ablogginggoodtime

  36. Wow Katie this is such an open and raw post. I love the way you draw us all in on your journey with you. It must have been very hard him leaving so soon after the birth of Alyssa but I just know you will get that happy ever after. Xx

  37. Emma T says:

    It’s so hard when things could be so good but then can’t be. Sound like giving yourself space is the right thing. I’m sure you’ll find someone who works for you in future

  38. Such a lovely and heartfelt piece, so full of honesty. From everything that happened what a beautiful gift your daughter is. She is all the love you both had for each other in one perfect little person.

  39. As much as we want it to work sometimes it just isn’t supposed to. The back and forth isn’t fair to you or your daughter. I can only imagine the pain you feel, but I can sympathize. #ABloggingGoodTime

  40. Oh my word, what a post, I am blown away. I don’t think id be whom I am without all my experiences so wouldn’t change anything, even the rough things but that doesn’t mean they werent really hard to experience. Thank you for your bravery, love and so much more that shines through this piece. #ablogginggoodtime

  41. Jenny says:

    What a beautifully honest post. I think you definitely have the right attitude, you’re right, it’s about you and your daughter (and you separately, look after yourself). You’ll always have happiness in your future with your daughter 🙂

    #ABloggingGoodTime

  42. helen gandy says:

    Lovely to have you back, onwards and upwards lovely. Really lovely post, thanks for linking up, hope you’ll stop by again! #bestandworst

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