HA HA HA HA anyone else laughing as much as me?!?! Don’t get me wrong there are certain parts of motherhood that definitely do have a metaphorical golden glow around them but I do think that we have the odd “warped” idea about what will happen when we become parents. It’s not that we are stupid; whether we are new parents or old hands at parenting we all have some idea of what to expect…. A baby will arrive, it will completely change our lives, we’ll get a little bit tired but we’ll cope and in a few weeks will have things under control and come out the other side.
However, I actually think that no matter how prepared you think you are you can never truly know what to expect. I mean, I knew I would be tired… but this tired was beyond comprehension. Some things were easier than others to master – learning how to do things one handed or prioritising about what needs to be done. Clean baby clothes – priority…. Bath for mummy – maybe next week!
My entry into motherhood was far from the idea I had had planned in my head. I thought I would be married and in love and sharing the experience with my husband and embarking on a new life as a family. Instead, my lovely mother was my birth partner and whilst I did start my new family life, the family was a lot smaller than I had anticipated. I read a lot of books before Alyssa was born about what to expect and tips and tricks etc. However, what I forgot to factor in of course was the fact that my little firecracker of a daughter was not going to read the books and so would not know the rules of motherhood that I had been planning on playing by.
At the beginning of this post, I described motherhood as a battle but perhaps that is not really fair because that makes it sound bad which was not my intention. Motherhood is only a battle because I make it so… and how do I do this? By constantly striving for perfection. One major image I had in my head when discovering that I was going to have a baby was that I wanted to be my version of the perfect mum. I saw myself with a permanent smile plastered across my face with the occasional white smile ping for really happy moments. To always look well turned out and to lose my baby weight and more immediately and create the look of a mother that Alyssa could be proud of when older. To hand prepare all of Alyssa’s food, which of course would be organic, that she would enjoy and eat every mouthful of. To have mastered the art of getting my baby to sleep and have her in bed angelically sleeping at 7pm and not waking until 7am then next morning – I know I know whilst birds come in through the window singing about the day ahead!
This makes me sound really stupid, like I was setting myself up for failure. I honestly wasn’t at all, this was just the kind of mum I wanted to be… I wanted to get everything right… everything perfect. I am always striving for perfection in everything I do; the perfect mum, the perfect partner, the perfect friend, the perfect tribe leader, the perfect blogger, without consciously being aware of what I am doing. I appear to pile an awful lot of perfect pressure on top of my shoulders and when I don’t appear as perfect as I’d like… I crumble – perfectly!
I am under no illusion that I am the perfect mother… I am not sure of the last time I wore make-up, my daughter has eaten food lovingly prepared by Ella’s Kitchen not mine, she has slept through the night a total of 4 times in her whole year of life and whilst there have been a few teeth ping moments there have also been a few tears too. However, is there anything wrong with this? My daughter is healthy and clean and always looks well turned out… even when covered in mud from playing. She is one of the happiest babies I have ever seen and despite the odd grumpy tear we usually have smiles. She has a good appetite and eats a good array of food that is helping her grow big and strong. She is learning new things everyday including starting to chatter. So, let me ask you and myself… where exactly am I going wrong?!
The answer of course… is no where. I am not going wrong at all and if you think like me and are always striving for perfection and feel like you are falling short let me tell you that you are not going wrong either. It is only us, our own judgmental selves, that think we are on occasion doing a bad job. Nearly every single day, my mum turns around and tells me what an amazing job I am doing and what a lovely little girl I am rearing. Even the Ex-Dad paid me a huge compliment by saying that when it comes to Alyssa he never has to worry because with me he knows she is in the best possible hands.
Now, I am one of those ridiculously stupid people that despite hearing lots of wonderful things, still has a tendency to doubt or in some cases not listen at all. However, one thing I cannot ignore are the sparkly blue eyes and the cheeky smile that looks up at me every morning or the shout of “mum” and the arms reaching out for a cuddle… how could anyone ignore that?!
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86 Comments
Amazing post. I dreamt of being the perfect mother from day dot and I really am not but I think and hope my boy would say different. Sounds like you’re doing fab! #bestandworst xx
Thanks lovely. I expect he thinks youre pretty perfect xx
You might not be the perfect mummy, but you’re the perfect mummy for Alyssa and that’s all that matters.
I think the lower your expectations, the better you feel!
Oh bless you. Thanks sweet xx
Aww lovely post. You can see what a great mum you are from how happy Alyssa is!! I think as a mum, it is only natural that we are hard on ourselves. Second time round I learnt not to bother with the books and I think that I found it a lot easier as a result. That Gina Ford has a lot to answer for đŸ˜‰ #BloggerClubUk
Hahaha she does indeed. Thanks sweet xx
Aw, Katie, what a lovely, lovely post! those last lines about being more than enough and everything your daughter wants is so true but I’m also glad that YOU realise that and haven’t been conned by Mary Poppins perfection. Really, Really enjoyed this. That picture of the woman laying face down with a brolly blown inside out really made me snort!
Ha ha ha glad I could make you snort and thanks for reading lovely xx
Aww this is such a gorgeous post. You are a wonderful mummy, and friend too. I know exactly what you mean, we have these high expectations just as you say, not because we are stupid but because we care so deeply and want everything to be the best it possibly can. I think it’s wonderful that you recognise this, as a lot of people would keep striving to be faced with disappointment. You should be so proud of everything you have achieved, as it’s amazing xx #triballove #bloggerclubuk #bestandworst
Aww thank you sweet for such a lovely comment xx
Truly brilliant post one of best I’ve read all year love the photos as a mum or dad it’s never quite what we expected #bestandworst
Aww thanks very much. What a wonderful comment x
Aww Katie, such a beautiful post. I too strove for perfection. In fact when I started my blog I thought I’d be sharing weaning tips etc… the biggest tip I could give is to buy shares in Ella’s kitchen. Everything I tried to feed her was turned down! We can only do our best and be the best mums we can be for our little ones. I’m far from perfect, but I hope I’m a good enough mum for my daughter. x #triballove
Oh bless you sweet – you totally are!! xx
You are perfect to her! That is all that ever matters! (I tell myself this whilst Mini cries at me for not allowing her to climb all over my face!)
Lucy xx #triballove
ha ha ha yes I think we do need to remind ourselves sometimes! xx
I think most of us feel this way when we imagine what being a first time mom is like. And I agree it’s a battle but also so beautiful and fun at the same time. Alyssa is lucky to have you!#TribalLove
Aww what a lovely thing to say. Thank you so much xx
Thank you so much lovely xx
Love this. I think we all struggle to live up to the ideal that we all have in our own heads – I know I fall short of mine by a long way but it does make life a lot easier when we learn to let go of it and accept ourselves for the perfectly imperfect parents we are. You are the perfect mummy for Alyssa and those beautiful smiles and the love she has for you clearly show that. #ablogginggoodtime
Awww thank you sweet. Right back at you… I think you are an amazing mummy xx
I think most pregnant women with their first baby have this rose-tinted perception of perfect motherhood! Then the harsh reality of sleepless nights hits us and all bets are off! It probably is why postnatal depression is so common – society gives mothers unrealistic expectations. You sound like you have done an amazing job at being a great mummy to Alyssa and that photo you both shows pure love. Thanks for hosting #ablogginggoodtime – do not know where you get the time đŸ™‚
Awww thank you what a lovely comment… I am not sure about the time either! x
I was of course going to be the perfect mother, and in a sense I am as I am perfectly theirs. Am I what I thought I would be? NO! I wanted to never yell, oops! Inward to never feed anything not really healthy, oops! I didn’t realise how exhausted I would be, that sometimes my patience just wouldn’t be there when I wish so badly it would. I thought my daughter could come out of bed a thousand times and I would be fine with that, but I’m not, I am tired and I sometimes just want to veg out with a cuppa and a TV show.
But I am totally in love with my kids!!!! They are so loved, I have never smacked them (something I promised myself I would never do after being through violence myself). I am a great role model as I show them that I follow my passions, and I am there for them whenever they truly need me. So I am dong OK.
We do our best, we are loved and we love them. Alyssa is lucky to have you xoxo #ablogginggoodtime
What a wonderful comment and we are perfectly theres aren’t we?! xx
Lovely post, I am patient, my girls are happy and feel loved and I feel like I am doing a good job – most of the time. However I am not the perfect housewife my house is always messy, instead of cleaning we are just playing! What I am trying to say is that we cant do it all – we cant be perfect at everything and I am fine with that! #ablogginggoodtime
I was under the very misguided impression that life would continue on pretty much as normal after having a baby – I would do the same things that I did before, only with a baby tagging along.
Hahahahahaha
As you might expect, the Popple took that idea and squashed it pretty quickly. My child was the one screaming at baby groups, not sleeping or sitting still. It all got a lot easier once I adjusted my expectations. #ablogginggoodtime
I dream of being the perfect mummy. But like you are your baby girls mummy I’m my baby girls mummy. We do what we need for them in our own best way xx
#ablogginggoodtime
#triballove
I think the perfect mummy is in the eye of the child. My two know I’m not physically perfect – I wear crutches like bracelets and have a walk that makes the Hunchback of Notre Dame look like he’s working a catwalk at Milan Fashion Week. They know I get tired far too easily and that makes me grouchy. But beyond my limitations they also know that I will do anything to see them grin, to build their confidence and to spend all my time and energy making sure their childhoods are full of love and fun. Everyday is an adventure in our house and I know that while I’m not the mummy I dreamt I would be, the mummy I am is a lot more perfect for my two children. Thank you for addressing our Perfect Mummy worries. xx
#ablogginggoodtime
#triballove
I think that the portrayal and social discussion of parenting is really backwards compared to many things in our society. People always talk about the good and the easy and, what I am discovering is the normal, is portrayed as incompetent parenting. Even mums are guilty of this. The number of baby groups where I have been and the mummies are discussing how their newborns are sleeping through the night, or that their 6 month old eats everything they are given from a spoon making no mess, or their 7 month old is walking already. I am sure some babies are like this but far more are not and that is not talked about. Parenting comes with mistakes, especially when we are first time parents and that is okay and normal. #triballove
This is a fantastic and so relatable post!!! Always feel that what I’m doing isn’t good enough but like you say you just have to look at them and see how good a job we are doing!!! ??? big love for this post!! #ablogginggoodtime
Through this post you really do come across as a wonderful mum! Open, honest and totally in love with your daughter. Her face in that last photo says it all – gorgeous. Alison x #ablogginggoodtime
Awww thank you so much what a lovely comment xx
Such a lovely and truthful post, I think I had the image of a perfect mother in my head, and like you said you have your doubts about how you are going about things, but your perfect to your child and that’s what matters. Motherhood is so full of emotions, we just need to give ourselves a break, a pat on the back, and a little glass of wine or whatever your tipple is and realise we are all doing a fab job in our own wonderful way! #ablogginggoodread
So true… I think we often forget the pat on the back amidst the worry that we permanently have xx
This was so lovely to read. I like you also wanted to be the perfect mummy – I am so not but I have now taught myself that it’s okay not to be as long as I am doing the best for my kids and in their eyes I am ‘perfect’, that’s more than good enough for me. đŸ™‚ #ablogginggoodtime
That’s all we need isn’t it? Thanks lovely xx
I honestly didn’t think about it that much before hand and then yea I think I like every mum you want to do everything right. But being the ‘perfect mother’ as pictured in the mind and being just what your child needs ain’t necessarily the same. Which is just as well as I’m not that picture one at all! #ablogginggoodtime
ha ha ha nor am I and darn proud of it!! **mummy fist bump** xx
I agree – I did, and still do, have ideas about being a really calm mum who was always happy and had time to play. In reality, I am usually pretty frazzled and I’m guilty of sneaking off to follow my own agenda sometimes whilst the children play on their own or watch cbeebies. But I could be worse! And I bake, so that makes me awesome, right?!
x Alice
thanks for hosting #abloggingoodtime
Hang on if you bake that makes you totally awesome!!FIST BUMP!! xx
The idea of the perfect mother to Joe Bloggs on the street is vastly different to your child’s perception of it. From having seen you with Alyssa, she quite clearly hero worships you and looks at you with pure love so I reckon you’re doing a pretty good job sweetheart! xxx #ABloggingGoodTime
Awww thank you so much. That made me a bit teary. What a lovely comment xx
I think when you have such good control of your life when a baby comes along and the situation is so hard to control we don’t know what to do. This is what I found and still do so hard about being a mum. We spend our lives problem solving and sometimes in parenthood all the problems can not be solved. But we are all doing a great job, your little girl is happy and loved what more does she need! Good work mumma! #ablogginggoodtime
Awww thanks sweet – right back at you!! x
That’s just lovely. I know completely how you feel as I try and be perfect too! I had a wobble today when I decided I was crap because he never smiles anymore. It’s totally not true, he still smiles, he’s just cried a lot today! Rah! Y#bloggingoidtime
They have those days don’t they? and so do we. I think you are an awesome mummy xx
We really put pressure on ourselves, I don’t think we can ever fully know what to expect until we become parents. I have many daily issues and I often find that the days which go most wrong are when I’m trying to make everything perfect. Lovely post. #ablogginggoodtime
Thanks lovely. I am sure you do an amazing job xx
Really dislike the word perfect, it’s ok for a good fitted dress but not for defining something as important as a parent. May you enjoy every imperfect aspect of life and thrive my lovely đŸ™‚ #ablogginggoodtime
Awww thank you and I wish the same for you x
Wow – such a super post that has it all – I was laughing at the beginning, nodding along with all of the middle bit (in terms of sleep your little Alyssa sounds like my kids – what a pretty name btw) and then got a little teary at the end. We are all TOO hard on ourselves and must not hold ourselves up to this image of a perfect mother – but it is easier said than done! You’re right tho’ those eyes and smiles get us all through. So good to have come across this post on #ablogginggoodtime. Thanks for hosting. x
Oh thank you I am so glad you liked it xx
Great post, and so true. We are always our harshest critics but our children are our biggest cheerleaders, maybe we should listen to them more! #ablogginggoodtime
Ha ha ha maybe we should! xx
I didn’t expect to be the perfect Mother but then I didn’t expect to have a child. He was my surprise 40th birthday shock and we have winged it from there, luckily all turned out very well. I love the last paragraph of this post it’s the most important bit. x
#ablogginggoodtime
Oh bless you… my little treasure was a surprise too and the best gift ever xx
I think I just treated motherhood as a next step, and took it all in my stride. It helped that N was a laid back baby. #ablogginggoodtime
I know I had this idea in my head before having kids. It wasn’t like I thought it would be either. We can’t be perfect we just have to try our best. Thanks for sharing.
Lovely post. Such a lovely shot of your daughter looking up at you with pure love. #ablogginggoodtime
Cute post. I think the best thing we can be is self aware – nobody can do everything perfectly and we need to role model that to our children. #ablogginggooodtime
There is no way anyone can really know what joys and hardship being a mum really is until you become on. You are a great mother to Alyssa. You can see how happy, healthy and beautiful she is and that is all down to you. Perfection is a myth. We are all doing our best to raise kind, happy, intelligent children. x #ablogginggoodtime
Ah Katie, we can never truly know what being a mother will be like can we? Do you know what I think you are the perfect mother to Alyssa because in my mind being perfect isn’t the sleeping through the night, organic home cooked meal, never losing our patience idyll that we strive for and can never achieve – it’s putting your child first, enjoying them, appreciating them and having a healthy, happy baby who adores her mother and feels loved and secure. And Alyssa is definitely that! For once your ex is spot on ? You’re wonderful and Alyssa’s a testament to you. #ablogginggoodtime
Being a Mum is the hardest job I’ve ever had! ‘Perfect’ is defined for me by the way my daughter looks to me for comfort and support, and how I see her developing and learning every day. Keep up the good work Mummies! #ablogginggoodtime
Of course I dreamt of the perfect motherhood, that is a distant dream lol! Great post, I felt this way myself! Thanks for linking up to the #bestandworst would love to see you linking up again.
Oh this is the sweetest! I agree. I don’t want to be the best mom. I just want to be the best to my kids. SO if that means I only get to shower every 2nd day but they get clean clothes. Then so be it! Bring on the “all-natural” perfume!!. đŸ™‚ #ablogginggoodtime
You’re doing everything that you can, that’s a way of being perfect too! –Andreea #ablogginggoodtime
Aww I love the photo of Alyssa looking up at you..look how much she adores you!I think we all put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect when in reality it’s near enough impossible. I always thought I would be the picture perfect mum but quickly learnt motherhood is a lot harder than I thought xx #blogginggoodtime
Great that you are keeping it real and sharing what it’s like for you. I am sure a number of us mums can relate. #ablogginggoodtime
doubt- that is the word here for me. it is so easy to still feel doubt even when we feel we are doing our best. we put so much pressure on ourselves and each other. #ablogginggoodtime
I think it’s natural to pile pressure on ourselves, but this sets us up for a fall whenever something (even minor) goes wrong. It sounds like you’re doing a fab job with your daughter. Go easy on yourself. #BloggerClubUK X
Oh yes! I had such a perfect vision of what being a Mum would be like and the reality is so different.. Not a bad different, just different đŸ™‚ Great post! #MarvMondays
I loved your post. My eldest turned 18 this summer and it has made me reflect on how ‘perfect’ I have been as a mother. The answer is ‘not very’. It’s easy to see that you are doing a fantastic job and your little girl is very lucky (and lovely). xx #bigpinklink
What a gorgeous , honest and powerful post! Yes, what you have said is 100% true and I can tell you that even if you started with what you had in mind in the beginning, the picture can changed very fast. I am my own worst enemy as well but now that my kids are older, it is re-assuring for me to hear them say, “That’s okay, Mom.” Thanks for linking with #bigpinklink
What a lovely relatable real post. Lots us to try to be a wonder mum and get down in the dumps when you feel we aren’t doing it as easy as we expected. But we are MUM. And that is perfectly fine and exceptional in its own right. We live in a world where we are constantly made aware of the ‘right’ things to do and when we have to adjust to fit as bit one size fits all in motherhood, you do feel the pressure and beat our selves up. You are a wonderful woman, mother, human! #marvmondays
The pressure I put on myself when I had my Twins was immense. I felt that I had to have ultimate expectations because if I didn’t set my standards that high then no-one would. I got told time and time again that I was doing more than enough but I refused to accept that my best was good enough. This time round with Bubs (& just a singleton!) I feel the same desire to be exceptional but I’m OK when things maybe don’t go according to plan.
I have learnt that a Mum IS the perfect Mum in the eyes of her children. So long as they are loved, cared for, cuddled, warm, fed and played with then we are doing brilliantly. Housework can wait, it will still be there tomorrow and as for food preparation, thanks to Ella and her gleaming kitchen she gives me more time to be with my babies and not have to shut myself away in my kitchen!! Mummy in a Tutu.. Thanks for being a great Mum and fab blogger! #ablogginggoodtime
Oh I hear yeah, I constantly feel I am falling short and not being Mary Poppins enough. I know this is wrong of me ad I shouldn’t put too much pressure on myself but like you I can’t help it. I am not sure I will ever meet the standards I set myself. Sigh. #bigpinklink
I think you are an abso-bloody-amazing mummy and you should go easy on yourself. Kids are very lucky xx
Brilliant post! I would love to be the perfect but I don’t aswell! I hope my kids think I’ve done a good enough job for them .
#MarvMondays
Lovely post. I think most of us parents are pretty hard on ourselves, and I think we all have some kind of perfect picture in our minds of what life will be like when we become parents that doesnt quite turn out to be reality. I think its pretty normal and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job as a mummy and in all other facets of your life at the moment so give yourself a pat on the back đŸ™‚ Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Emily
Thank you sweet xx
[…] In a Tutu – The Battle of Motherhood -Practically Perfect in Every Way – I could  relate to this post by Katie as she writes about we judge ourselves harshly […]
Thanks sweet xx
The ‘P’ word is banned in our house. We reward effort and trying and enjoying. And as a has-been perfectionist, I wish for you that you can reach there too.
It’s much safer for us all! M’wah! #bigpinklink
I totally will x
I think we all have unrealistic ideas before our babes come along and then they blow those out of the water! Mich x