#LionessMama Week 11 Round-Up!
January 9, 2017
camera on wooden table
#ABloggingGooodTime Week 31
January 11, 2017

Painting on a Smile

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It happened again. Well, it’s inevitable at my age and having friends around me the ages that they are. An announcement can only mean 1 of two things. Firstly, it will be someone having another baby and secondly it will be that someone is getting married. I think the age of marriage and babies probably got into full swing for me about 6 or 7 years ago and since then the train has just kept on chugging. Two years ago when I was able to announce my own pregnancy I was over the moon, despite it not being the way I’d hoped for. However, despite having shared my own news something still happens inside me when others share theirs. Not so much with the babies anymore (I currently have 4 friends expecting!!!) but it’s the engagements that really have an affect. In all honesty, reading a text, seeing a photo, scrolling through Facebook and seeing those relationship status changes, each and every one makes me want to lie on my bed, do a Bridget Jones by whacking on”All by Myself” and burst into tears….

woman looking out of a window covered in rain with her hand against the window

I know it is incredibly selfish of me and don’t get me wrong, I am immensely happy for each and every one of my lovely friends because they all  deserve happiness, it just takes me back to that age old question of “But don’t I deserve happiness too?!” I would never ever tell or show them how sad their news has made me feel – I plaster on my smiley face or smiley emojis and congratulate them along woman holding out her hand to other hands showing an engagement ringwith the rest of the world on what I am sure must be one of the happiest days of their lives.

I had this plan you see… I was going to focus on my career and then by 25 I would be getting married and by 30 I would have had two children. When I got close to 25 this got pushed back to 27 and then 30 and now it’s moved to 35 though I am at the point where I wonder if I should just give up on the idea all together. If I mention this to anyone at anytime, the general response is that it WILL happen and that I just need to be patient and wait for the right person to come along. I’m sorry, a couple in shadow with the sunset behind them about to kissbut that doesn’t help me and you have no idea if that is true or not. Maybe I am just one of those people who it won’t happen for. Maybe I won’t find love again. Perhaps I won’t find someone who loves me enough that they will want to spend the rest of their life with me. Maybe I need to find a new happy ever after and do you know what? That really really sucks.

I was quite down and upset at New Years as I sat there at  home realising that in my entire life, I had only ever been in a relationship twice over New Years Eve – due to break ups and get back togethers and I thought how sad that was. I am so incredibly lucky to have Alyssa in my life as she means more to me than anything in the entire world but I am like that little girl in the candy shop… I want more. I want more for me – not me the mummy but me the woman. I want to have someone to wipe away the tear that is slowly creeping down my cheek as I write this post. I want someone to woman looking out at the sea. facing away from the camerahug me and to tell me they love me. Hell, I’d even settle with someone to fight with as long as we make up after. However, I think that truth is finally starting to plant a seed and that soon I may actually have to face up to the reality that it might not happen.

I have been dreaming about getting married for as long as I can remember. I have an image in my head of different things to do with the day and years ago I drove past a bridal shop with my mum and saw a dress in the window that I knew was my dress and I have had a picture of it on my phone ever since. Maybe that is the problem – maybe I want it too much?! But I have tried not wanting it too. I have tried not caring what happens. I have tried not looking for love as well as looking for it and it doesn’t matter. Neither mindset really works. I’ve written several times over the past year about matters of the heart on my blog and have received such gorgeous words of encouragement from friends, fellow bloggers, readers aa couple holding hands the womans is on top so you can see the ring. black and whitend people who have been or are in my position. Unfortunately, reassuring me that it will happen, like my own mum does quite frequently, really doesn’t change what I am thinking on the inside in the long run. Basically, my heart just aches.

I’ve been stupidly torturing myself lately by watching programs like First Dates (which FYI I have applied for and heard nothing back from!!) and find myself balling my eyes out as I see people sat there thinking the same way as me that actually it just might not happen. When I go to cafes and restaurants I look round and can usually always find an older person sitting all on their own having a cup of tea or eating something with no one to talk to and no one to share their time with. I don’t want that to be me and yes I know that might be a slight exaggeration as I do have my daughter and I have siblings but they both have partners and I have no doubt that my gorgeous little girl will find love also and believe me after years of playing the part, it is no fun at all being a third wheel.

hands making a heart

I’m not really sure what the point of this post was. I think maybe I just needed to get out all this emotion that has been bottled up inside for the past few weeks as announcement after announcement has been made and I have simply smiled and cheered along with everyone else. It is so hard. It really is. It does not in anyway mean that I am less happy for my friends or that I have any ill wishes against them and their happiness, it just simply makes me a little sad inside. Each one also acts as a small reality check and let’s face it, no one likes giving up on their dreams do they?! But maybe this dream is one for the shelf and I need to carry on focusing on my work and my little girl like I have been and see where we end up. Thank you for listening to me waffle on once again – you don’t know what good listeners you all are.

 

46 Comments

  1. Sarah says:

    HugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHugHug

    And wine.

    Xxx

  2. Gorgeous girl, you do smiley for others very well. It’s tough. You’re brilliant. Sending love and what Sarah said basically! Xxxx

  3. I get this hun! Sending hugs to our way. It will happen. I was 30 when I met mine. Keep the faith ❤️

  4. Hugs to you. This must be really difficult. I know it doesn’t really help but I am sure it is just a matter of time. Not everyone is fortunate enough to find a life partner early on, but I am sure there is a right person for you somewhere!

  5. I'm a Bridget 2 says:

    I am in the same place but without the baby, unfortunately for me the person I thought was the love of my life dumped me when he found out I was pregnant, we clearly were on very different pages, then a few weeks after I lost the baby at 8weeks, I feel that same pain you do at every announcement. Always here if you want to talk. Sending you a huge hug xx

    • Mummy in a Tutu says:

      Oh sweetheart im so sorry. Ive been there. I was meant to be moving in with someone and i found out hed got engaged to someone else and she was pregnant. Its so hard. Here if you need a friend xx

      • I'm a Bridget 2 says:

        Thanks – I threw myself into work and went into hibernation for a long time! im so sorry to hear your story too, I had to start believing in a happy ever after again other wise I think I would have got bitter and it would just be me and the cat forever… I’ve not found it yet but I genuinely think we should never give up. I think when you stop looking it finds you – well I hope that’s the case until then plastered on smiles. Either way you’re never alone always here to chat 🙂

  6. Jess says:

    Lovely post. I think you will have helped a lot of people by writing this, well done you xxx

  7. Becky says:

    Being alone is such a difficult thing. I’ve always struggled with it which has resulted in quite a few failed relationships which were obviously never going to work from the outset. It’s great that you’ve been able to write this post. Some people would avoid the topic incase they offend someone however I think it’s a really relatable post.
    All the best
    #ablogginggoodtime

  8. Claire says:

    Sending hugs! Such a great honest post which I’m sure will help a lot of people and that’s a great thing to be able to say! #ablogginggoodtime

  9. Oh lovely Katie, I just want to be able to reach through the screen and give you the biggest hug. You are not alone in feeling this way. I hope that you will find your own happy ever after some day. Sending you big virtual hugs xx #ablogginggoodtime

  10. Sending you hugs lovely. You are a strong and independent woman. You are Beyonce, in that you don’t put up any rubbish. It’s not that you haven’t found the right man, it’s just that you know what you want. Stay strong xxx #ablogginggoodtime

  11. I get it. My sister is still single, she’s 33. People (from our backward thinking small town) always ask her “Why?” … like it’s a choice. The only choice is that she won’t settle for less than what she deserves! Good for her I say. Even if you never find ‘the one’, never settle for someone less. Big Hugs.
    #ablogginggoodtime

  12. Helen says:

    Sending you a massive hug! Life can certainly be tough at time, emotions take over. After going through a hard time myself relatively recently I found writing down all of the positives in my life really helped. It doesn’t take away the want or pain, but can put things into perspective. I wish you all the best 🙂 #ablogginggoodtime

    Helen x

  13. Oh but you’re Mummy in a Tutu!!! This is no good for you to feel this way at all! Anyway, you are still a total baby and a total babe with it. There is no time limit lovely – not at all. And I hate to say it but there are a lot of unhappy marriages out there with children involved – you my lovely are totally rocking this single mama business and the world is your total oyster xxx but sending hugs as well because you can never have too many hugs xxx #ablogginggoodtime

  14. Oh hun – I wish I knew how to help you feel better. You’re a lovely lady and a great catch – someone is bound to snap you up. Until then, just enjoy your growing blogging career, your amazing little girl, and the great community of fellow bloggers that you’ve created which is behind you 100%. #ablogginggoodtime

  15. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I am sending buckets of love and hugs xxx

    #ablogginggoodtime

  16. Ellen says:

    Oh love, thank you for sharing this as I’m sure there are many, many people feeling the same way. I did think, like Helen has already said, there are so many people in unhappy relationships or feeling trapped or miserable, which I personally think is worse. You’re still young, love, and it’s so much better to hold out for the right person than to settle for someone who doesn’t deserve you. Meanwhile you have the most amazing daughter and a career which is going from strength to strength – both things many people covet. #ablogginggoodtime

  17. Jaki says:

    Ah what to say? I’m glad writing it all down has helped somewhat. I’m sure it will happen when the time is right. Chin up x #ablogginggoodtime

  18. I hope that writing all this down for you has helped you. I think it is great that you are able to share this. One thing I have have learned in life…you can make all the plans you want, but it never seems to work out the way you thought. It works out the way it should.
    #ablogginggoodtime

  19. Anna says:

    I am sending you massive hugs. I *kinda* feel your pain. I am the most selfish of people. I have two lovely children and a fab boyfriend but whenever a friend announces their engagement I cry. I wish it was me. I am good enough to have babies but not make an actual commitment to. I probably expect too much from life and I should appreciate what I have. I know that. It doesn’t make giving up the dream easier though.
    As for you, I am a stranger but I can tell from your writing you’re a good person with a good heart. Your time will come.
    In the meantime….hugs and wine for you x

  20. I do the plastering on a smiley face too, not for the same reason as you, but it sucks. Its hard when you want something so much but it doesn’t seem to happen. Personally for me its just trying to find happiness with how I am and how my circumstances are, and if I get want I desperately want then great! But if not at least I’m ok with how things are. Its really hard though! Big hugs #ablogginggoodtime

  21. So so so many hugs Katie. I’ve been where you are and it’s such a difficult place to be. My only piece of advice is, know you are such a lovely person and that, somewhere will be the person you deserve who will love you for everything you are! Sometimes the best things are worth a wait! Keep smiling!!! #ablogginggoodtime

  22. Rhian Harris says:

    I used to feel like this. Our situations are completely different, but when my friends started getting engaged when I was in my mid-20s, I was just coming out of a long term relationship and starting over. I wouldn’t have wanted to get married at that point, but pangs of “I wondered if I will ever have that” used to wash over me. Then, in my late-20s, I met my now husband, and 7 years on (now in my mid-3os), I sit here with my 2 year old, husband and puppy. It all happened – just on it’s own timeline and in a slightly unconventional manner. As Dory says, “Just keep swimming” #ablogginggoodtime xx

  23. Ahhhh Katie this is a very emotional post and what you’re feeling is very understandable indeed. It’ so hard to see those around us with what we really want (I remember feeling like this about having a baby) and is so natural to find it draws a spotlight to your own situation. Take care and like you say remember how fab your set-up is with Alyssa. You’d be fab on ‘First Dates’ by the way – I hope you do hear back!!! #ablogginggoodtime

  24. I think that is what we do as bloggers, we share what we need to just to get it out of our heads. It is really good therapy! Hugs to you lovely x #ablogginggoodtime

  25. Rouge says:

    Don’t give ever give up hope, but make sure you live for every moment in the meantime.

    I had sat my parents down (over a cup of tea) when I was 35 (3 years ago) and told them to prepare for not ever walking me down the aisle and never being grandparents, because my life just hadn’t panned out like that, but I was happy and they should be pleased for me and my career and independence. I was living life for every moment and experience it threw at me instead.

    I’m now married and 24 weeks pregnant and I got to marry my hubby twice ( in different countries) so don’t give up on that wedding dress in the window!!!!

    HUGS!

    #ablogginggoodtime

  26. Big hugs! I am also very good at putting on a smile. Although I was engaged at 23 the wedding didn’t happen until last year (I was 34!). All my friends were getting married and we couldn’t afford it at all. We had a budget wedding but it was great and our 3 kids were there to join us. Sarah x #ablogginggoodtime

  27. I wish I knew something to say that would make you feel better or that I could wave a magic wand and give you everything your heart desires. I know all about plastering on that smile, for me it was friends having babies when I’d been trying for years and then after the miscarriages and I’d started to believe it would never happen, but it did. Never give up hope. I was 7 when my parents met, both had had disastrous relationships in the past and both had two kids (I’m the youngest) and we blended together perfectly like it was always meant to be. Whatever happens though your adoring readers will always love you x

  28. Nicola says:

    I have been trying to think of what to say and all I can come up with are cliches that definitely will not help you! Then I thought about saying that having men around the house just creates extra mess so we’re probably better off without them, but that probably doesn’t help either. As for having a wedding, I’m with you there. I have been engaged for 15 years and still no wedding. I have planned and planned my perfect wedding…but at 42 years old now I’m pretty sure it’s never going to happen :-(. There is someone out there for you, they are just busy finding a way to get to you. xx #ablogginggoodtime

  29. Oh what to say that you haven’t already heard. I believe someone will come into your life when you least expect it, aren’t lookig for it, and cannot possibly imagine it. That is when the person now known as Mrs. entered mine… serendipitously. One day I’ll tell the story. In the meantime, I will let you know that I hear you and I know that loneliness is incredibly hard and for that I am sending hugs and love. Stay strong. #Ablogginggoodtime xoxoxo

  30. I think this time of year is a busy time for engagements what with Christmas, New Years Eve and Valentines day. So its no surprise that you find alot of people on social media sharing their happy news.
    The morning after we got engaged we went to Tescos and bumped into a friend who had just got out of a long term relationship where they had discussed what their wedding would be like with us so it became super awkward when she asked how we were!
    Not to sound like a cliche or to irritate with the repetitiveness; but, it will happen when you least expect it. I got with hubby 8 days after breaking up with my ex and thought it may have just been a rebound.
    Keep your faith in love alive and I’m sure you’ll find your match. My nan was married to my Grandad for nearly 50 years and when he left her she found someone else who sadly passed away, she says that she loves and misses him more then my Grandad, so even at 75 years old you can still find your soulmate! #ablogginggoodtime

  31. I know no one as strong and determined and you so I have absolutely no doubt you will have your happy ending. Saying that I know it’s tough. Sending big hugs your way x #ablogginggoodtime

  32. Helena says:

    I’m sorry to read of your upset and frustration over this area of your life. It’s certainly true that nobody can tell you what or will may or may not happen. #ablogginggoodtime

  33. I hope it happens real soon! You deserve to be happy! ☺️

    #ablogginggoodtime

  34. Crummy Mummy says:

    Reading this makes me feel really sad – I do so hope you get your happy ending x #ablogginggoodtime

  35. Topfivemum says:

    Oh honey I know how it feels to want what you feel everyone else has got. Except I was the one waiting for a baby for AGES while all my friends were popping them out for years (I finally had my first at 38 and another at 40!) I’m not going to say you’ll have your happy ending (as much as I wish it for you), Im just going to send you a hug and a squeeze and say I understand. And it really, really sucks. It’s not fair. You’re allowed to feel sorry for yourself. Now and again. Just remember the advice Emma Thompson gave Liam Neeson in Love Actually. Noone’s going to want to sh*g you if you’re sad all the time. LOL.

  36. I can understand how discouraging this can be. My best advice is to find a way to be happy with yourself, the rest will follow. You have plenty of life left to live. #ablogginggoodtime

  37. Oh Katie, big big hugs! ad wine and gin and chocolate. If it’s any consolation the way you’re feeling is totally normal for someone in your shoes. I felt like this before I got engaged, thinking it would never happen. We’d been together 7 years and i was so desperate to get engaged, when all my friends did I got so sad inside even though I was happy for them. I don’t know what else to say other than the unhelpful it will happen, but just remember how lucky you are to have your baby girl and hold onto that for now xx #ablogginggoodtime

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