I know it is incredibly selfish of me and don’t get me wrong, I am immensely happy for each and every one of my lovely friends because they all deserve happiness, it just takes me back to that age old question of “But don’t I deserve happiness too?!” I would never ever tell or show them how sad their news has made me feel – I plaster on my smiley face or smiley emojis and congratulate them along with the rest of the world on what I am sure must be one of the happiest days of their lives.
I had this plan you see… I was going to focus on my career and then by 25 I would be getting married and by 30 I would have had two children. When I got close to 25 this got pushed back to 27 and then 30 and now it’s moved to 35 though I am at the point where I wonder if I should just give up on the idea all together. If I mention this to anyone at anytime, the general response is that it WILL happen and that I just need to be patient and wait for the right person to come along. I’m sorry, but that doesn’t help me and you have no idea if that is true or not. Maybe I am just one of those people who it won’t happen for. Maybe I won’t find love again. Perhaps I won’t find someone who loves me enough that they will want to spend the rest of their life with me. Maybe I need to find a new happy ever after and do you know what? That really really sucks.
I was quite down and upset at New Years as I sat there at home realising that in my entire life, I had only ever been in a relationship twice over New Years Eve – due to break ups and get back togethers and I thought how sad that was. I am so incredibly lucky to have Alyssa in my life as she means more to me than anything in the entire world but I am like that little girl in the candy shop… I want more. I want more for me – not me the mummy but me the woman. I want to have someone to wipe away the tear that is slowly creeping down my cheek as I write this post. I want someone to hug me and to tell me they love me. Hell, I’d even settle with someone to fight with as long as we make up after. However, I think that truth is finally starting to plant a seed and that soon I may actually have to face up to the reality that it might not happen.
I have been dreaming about getting married for as long as I can remember. I have an image in my head of different things to do with the day and years ago I drove past a bridal shop with my mum and saw a dress in the window that I knew was my dress and I have had a picture of it on my phone ever since. Maybe that is the problem – maybe I want it too much?! But I have tried not wanting it too. I have tried not caring what happens. I have tried not looking for love as well as looking for it and it doesn’t matter. Neither mindset really works. I’ve written several times over the past year about matters of the heart on my blog and have received such gorgeous words of encouragement from friends, fellow bloggers, readers and people who have been or are in my position. Unfortunately, reassuring me that it will happen, like my own mum does quite frequently, really doesn’t change what I am thinking on the inside in the long run. Basically, my heart just aches.
I’ve been stupidly torturing myself lately by watching programs like First Dates (which FYI I have applied for and heard nothing back from!!) and find myself balling my eyes out as I see people sat there thinking the same way as me that actually it just might not happen. When I go to cafes and restaurants I look round and can usually always find an older person sitting all on their own having a cup of tea or eating something with no one to talk to and no one to share their time with. I don’t want that to be me and yes I know that might be a slight exaggeration as I do have my daughter and I have siblings but they both have partners and I have no doubt that my gorgeous little girl will find love also and believe me after years of playing the part, it is no fun at all being a third wheel.